Darkness

It is dusk, and I sit almost frozen starring out the window, wrapped in a blanket feeling the first real chill of the season and watching the darkness come.  The wind howls as it swirls the the fallen, dead leaves up into to air, as if laughing at their helplessness.  Just a few hours earlier in this day I breathed in the light of the sun and it's promise of the new day while drinking in the beauty of the colors of Fall.  This evening, with darkness upon me, the colors have faded, and I only see the lifeless, dry leaves as the trees start their cycle of death and rebirth.  The thought of winter sends a chill through my bones.

I am determined to sit here looking out this window until the last glimpse of light has disappeared.  I want to witness this day leave, and see the night come.  I want it to be over.  I want to know I survived it.  I am in a dark mood.  I am praying for a sound sleep and to wake up again to the promise a new day brings.  I pray this time it will not lie to me.

Until every last bit of light is engulfed by the night, I will watch the fury of this wind rip through the branches of the tree tops causing them to bend and sway in most extreme ways.  Regardless of my heaviness, the moon will rise in it's full glory tonight hopefully cleansing us of the wickedness that seems to have taken over the day.  I am hopeful the moon will not fail me, as I feel the sun has today.

I want to be left alone to my thoughts tonight, no matter how dark they are.  I am not afraid. I want no sympathy, apathy or help in anyway.   I want to unplug, unplug from life right now.   There is nothing I can give to life from this space, as it has sucked the light out of me today and left me here in this darkness. I want to stare this suffering right in the eye, so I can see it's true nature.  Whatever cruel and wicked game I have unintentionally been playing, I want to end.  I want to learn how to truly surrender to Truth, or I want to learn how to truly stand and fight for it.  This middle path is not for me.

I don't know what I was expecting to happen as I watched the darkness swallow the light.  I suppose, I just wanted to see with my own eyes how it happens.  Why is Nature so cruel at times?  Why are people so cruel at times?  Why does light leave and darkness come?