It was interesting watching myself stereotype a family tonight and have
them prove me wrong about my judgements. Last thing I want to do at the
end of a long day is go to the grocery store, but Izzy was out of dog
food. I had no choice. All I wanted to do was to get my few items and
get out. It was almost 7pm and I could tell from the parking lot the
store was packed. As usual there were only a few lanes open, and I
picked the slow lane.
In front of me was a mother with her 3
children. The older daughter looked to be around 12 and the younger one
around 9. The son was probably about 6. From the way they were dressed I
would guess they were Mennonites or from some Christian conservative
group. The Mom wore no makeup. Her and the girls wore ankle length
skirts and had their hair pulled back. I noticed how I judged them when I
saw them. Wondering what is the purpose for dressing so matronly and
imagining they were probably home schooled, over protected and not given
any freedom to be themselves.
I was exhausted from the day,
and I am sure I looked it. I also probably looked impatient. The older
girly turned to me, and I think tuned into to me. She gave me the
sweetest smile and said, "It is really busy in here tonight isn't it? It
has been such a long day. I can't wait to get home and home and eat my
dinner." Exactly all of my thoughts, but delivered in such a sweet way.
All three children were helping their mother with taking things from the
cart and putting the bagged items back in it. The daughter apparently
got that sweet smile and soothing voice from her mother, because her
mother was just as charming. She asked me how I cooked something I had
in my cart and ask if I fared the recent ice storm okay. The boy proudly
showed me his new motorcycle toy, and with great excitement, giggling
all the while, the younger of the two sisters explained to me how the
toy worked and what her brother was going to do with it. They made me
laugh with their excitement over it.
With such harmony I
watched this family complete their task together. With such sweetness
they dealt with the clerk. With such sincere interest they connected
with me. Did that little girl know I had a long day and was feeling
impatient? Did that mother know I needed to see a warm smile and hear a
friendly voice? I was touched by a family of little of angels, I felt.
Ashamed of myself for my judgements and impatience, but grateful to be
shown something beautiful anyway. I don't know if they were Mennonites,
Amish, Conservative Christians or Angels, but I was kissed by their
sweetness and I imagine that I won't be so quick to judge next time. If
being home schooled and looking matronly has such a positive effect, I
think I need to buy some ankle length skirts and pull my hair back.
Have you ever noticed how the world slows down when you close your eyes and deepen
your breath? Lately, I have been intentionally stopping and slowing down, as I found there was pace running my life that was in-congruent with my nature. Our appointments, to-do lists and obligations seem to suck all the juice out of our lives and leave us over stimulated, over spent and over the edge of our sanity. If you think about it, the need for sedatives and distractions so that we can relax is kind of insane. We often end up sleeping too much or too little, eating too much or too little. We loose our balance.
The world would not come to an end if you disengaged for a day. Life would still continue if you cancelled your appointments, threw out your lists and dropped your obligations. Seriously, it would. It is our self-absorption and inflated self-importance that keeps us running on this hamster wheel. We are not doing it for anybody else. We are doing it for ourselves.
We run to keep up, because we fear that we will loose something if we can't. What is the worst possible thing that could happen if it were lost? Imagine that. Imagine the worst possible thing that could happen, and allow yourself to feel the suffering of that loss. Then remember you only imagined it, and realize nothing changed. For the most part, fear exists in our imagination. What is real never changes. As difficult as change can be, nothing important ever changes.
Loosing what we are attached to is painful, but we can't control what happens in life. We can, however, if we slow down, catch the moment. In the moment, is that peace we crave. In the moment is that awareness that never changes. It only knows, "I am conscious. I am breathing." What else is there that we ever truly know for sure?
In efforts to slow down so that I can catch the precious moments of my existence, I have been practicing some Restorative Yoga. In this practice you use props to support yourself so that the body feels no struggle with itself in a posture. I hold each pose for at least 5 minutes and some even 10. I just lay there supported, breathing, being. It's the best part of my day.
The biggest struggle with Yoga is the inability to be still. The biggest struggle with life is also the inability to be still. It is in stillness that we connect to the depth of our being, the core of our existence, the unchanging, eternal source of juice that breathes the Universe.
We
set our own limits. A cage doesn't have to look like a cage to be one.
Have you ever seen a dog approach an electric fence? I used to live down
the street from a huge yellow dog that would sit in it's garage. When
he would see you coming near his house, he would charge at you in a
barking frenzy, then come to a dead stop right at the curb. Even though I
knew there was an electric fence surrounding that house, it would make my heart race every time. What if it malfunctioned just one time?
What I learned from watching my own dog when she encountered an
electric fence around my parent's chicken coup, was that the memory of
that shock had left an imprint she has not forgotten... And it only
happened one time. She's a quick learner. We went to visit my brother's
house, who has a bird in a big metal cage. Izzy was so curious about
that bird but didn't dare get too close. It was a bird with metal around
it. That's all she needed to know. Last time there were birds with metal
around them, something bad happened. She's kind of weary of birds all
together now. Often, once a dog encounters an electric fence, it doesn't
even have be turned on anymore for it to be effective, as the invisible
fence line is permanently drawn in their memory bank.
The
human psyche works in a similar way. We set boundaries that become the
walls of our cage because somewhere stored in our memory bank are
feelings of hurt and pain. When we approach these boundaries we feel
threatened and scared, so we retreat back to the comfort zone of our
cage. No one, including our self, can see the invisible fence that is
keeping us bound. Surrounded by the walls of our mental cage, we can
only know our limited self with all it's fears and confusions and can
never truly know the unlimited, unbridled, eternal freedom beyond it.
We can never be free unless we transcend the boundaries of our mental
cage. Every time we hit the walls of our cage and retreat, it
strengthens them. Every time, we hit the walls of our cage, and even
just stick our pinky finger out, it weakens them. Living beyond the
walls of our cage, will keep us way outside our comfort zone, which
strengthens us. Our comfort zone is no more than a padded cell. Don't
just push the edge, go over it and be done with it once and for all.
Imagine breaking the barriers that protect you, and you will be living a
life without self-consciousness and fear. And that my friends, is
freedom.
"I,
Uma, am enough" was all it said on the note that fell out of a book I
picked up this morning. Back in the day when I was first exploring
consciousness, tearing down the walls and discovering who I was, I went
through a series of Rebirthing sessions with a lovely Rebirther, whose
name I can't even remember now. However, I have never forgotten her. One
of the things she would help me do after each
session was to create an affirmation for something I was struggling
with. She would have me write it on a postcard and mail it to myself. In
a few days the affirmation would arrive in my mailbox.
There
was just something so empowering about receiving a note through the mail
in my own handwriting, affirming something positive about myself. I
think I kept most of them. I would stick them in my favorite books. My
favorite books are like old friends to me. I never let them go. I pick
them up and read a passage every so often even if I already read the
book 100 times. Sometimes one of these old postcards falls out of a
book. I can't tell you how much it thrills me when I find one of these
sparkling gems of wisdom, because it's always something I need to hear
right then. I don't take it lightly, as I know it is God speaking to me
in that very moment.
I think I might pick up this practice
again, so in another 25 years I will find notes tucked away in my
favorite books to remind me I am enough.
