Seven Most Valuable Things I have Learned

Izzy took us for our evening walk. Izzy is my dog. Most people walk their dog. My dog walks me. We started a little later than usual tonight, so the light disappeared before we got to the dirt roads. I live in a unique community that caters to equestrians. You can keep your horse in your back yard and ride right down your street. The beautiful Georgia red clay roads are more horse friendly than asphalt and besides just being more pleasant to walk on, they create a country like feeling in the middle of downtown. Adding more to their ambiance, the street lights are much farther and fewer between on the dirt roads. Neither Shantji or I enjoy the glare from the lights in the neighborhood. Moonlight is so much softer on the eyes. 

As we walked into the darkness of the night, just pass the empty polo field, we were assaulted with the blinding lights of a pickup truck. It was hard to tell if it was stopped or just moving very, very slow.  When we got a little closer I saw a big yellow Labrador jump in the back. The truck picked up a little speed and moved passed. us, then slowed way down again. The dog jumped back out and just started walking along side the truck as it crawled down the road. I asked Shantji, "Did you see that? He's walking his dog the lazy way. When he saw us with Izzy, he told his dog to get back in the truck and after he passed us, he let him get back out." Shantji couldn't believe that a dog would be so smart that you could get it to follow commands like that.

I told him, "Izzy is smart like that. If I would be more patient, spend more time and be consistent with training her, Izzy is certainly capable. Remember how she was when I first got her? She wouldn't come when you called her. Now she knows her name. She comes, sits and stays (briefly, anyway). I have only had her less than two months. Imagine what she will be like in two years."  Something about the softness of the clay beneath our feet, the smell of Night Jasmine, the moonshine through the trees, the strange truck, the cool dog and Izzy's insistent pace brought a liveliness to our walk and our chirping. 
 
Shantji asked, "How long have we known each other? "Going on 7 years", I told him."  After taking a few moments to absorb that, he continued, "Imagine that you are my Izzy. If you have learned anything from me over these years, tell me one for each year I've known you."

                                      Seven Most Valuable Things I've Learned

1. The dramas in life are not as important as we make them out to be. They come, and they go. We entertain them for as long as we have interest in them or as long as they serve some purpose. When they pass they become just another story we will either remember or forget. Some are good. Some are bad, but nothing lasts forever.
2. We end up doing whatever it is we are going to end up doing, and it's all okay. Life spontaneously unfolds in this Cosmic Play. We are merely an actor in it, not the director of it. Karma works itself out. It's not up to us. Everything happens on it's own in Cosmic Time through the Cosmic Will.
3. Things are not as they appear. We are all delusional from time to time. You have to dig deep to find the truth.
4. Don't get fixated on things. It is pointless. Whatever will be, will be. You can't put a square peg in a round hole no matter how much you want to.
5.  Resistance brings struggle and misery. Openness brings expansion and growth.
6. Face your fears, or they will eat you alive. Leaps of faith are mandatory for the spiritual seeker.
7. It's okay to make a fool of yourself, but don't fool yourself. Just be yourself. Above all, be truthful.

"Will you be open to write this on Facebook? I think other people might enjoy the story," Shantji suggested. "Yes, Shantji. I have been trained well", I teased. "Good girl," he teased back.

Covering Up the White

I have been experiencing a creative block. I sit to write and nothing comes. I sit to bead, and nothing forms. I sit to draw and the pen does not move. I am not unhappy, but neither am I overjoyed. Sometimes my best art comes when I am miserable, and sometimes when I am blissed out. I am neither right now. I have never been comfortable in the middle of the road. I tend to be on one side or the other. It seems I have landed in the middle. Perhaps it is mundane life of work and chores that has landed me in this lull of creativity, as my gypsy shoes have been put away for now.

Thank God a dear friend taught me to paint before art school destroyed my natural creativity. I can still hear him say, "Just cover up the white." We would sit side by side with two blank, white canvases with our paints in between us, put on some beautiful music and cover up the white until art happened. When I got to art school there was a "process," and there were rules. I never finished that degree. Couldn't see the point in it, as they did not seem to understand what art truly was. What I like about art is that rules are meant to be broken, not engrained. That's how you expand outside the box. I think that applies to most things in life.

I don't believe life is about tasks and processes and work and chores. I think life is about finding beauty. We've got it all mixed up. Life happens on it's own. It's not for us to control. It is for us to celebrate. Try and work it too hard and your "art" looses it's beauty, it's softness, it's light. When we get stuck, we just need to poke a hole somewhere, start something, do one thing different and before we know it, we are flowing in beauty again.

So this is the hole I poked. I think it worked. My fingers moved over the key board and sentences formed. Time to go cover up some white. Have a beautiful evening everyone. Namaste.

Going Solo

Little known fact about Solitude, she’s a philosopher. She wears a long flowing gown so when the breeze catches it, she feels the presence of another even when no one is there. Insight is her lover, and she has grown comfortable with his comings and goings. She's not usually on the quest list and does not entertain, but occasionally she requests the company of Courage. Getting to know her is difficult but worth the effort.  Solitude can lead you to Stillness, and they can show you a whole new world you never knew existed. 

 

I stepped out of my pajamas this morning and they lay in an inside out clump on the floor right in front of the bathroom door where I took them off. I thought about picking them up, but I am getting too much pleasure from the fact that I can leave them there as long as I want to without feeling self-conscious. I returned from work this afternoon and plopped myself down in a my chair, which just happens to be the only piece of furniture in my new living room. It is so cozy, that aside from getting up to make myself a smoothie for dinner, I haven't left it. There are probably only about 5 items in my refrigerator and a dozen in my pantry, all of which are fresh and new and not there to please anyone but me.  My stereo is playing the music I like at the volume I enjoy, and that is the only sound I hear. I am happy to report I cannot hear the sound of a TV and there is not one in sight. I moved in yesterday, and the sublime reality of having my own place again has finally hit me.

 

It has a been almost a year of traveling for me, living here and there, packing and unpacking my suitcase. I have slept in so many different places, that often when I wake up it takes me a few minutes to figure out where I am. The only other piece of furniture in my apartment is a bed.  I must have great "bed karma," because I am forever moving and having to leave the most comfortable bed behind and then coming across another fabulous bed. They are usually given to me or I pay very little for them. I was delighted to discover once again I have the best bed ever. Perhaps I just have really great friends?  I love to sleep, and I do it very well. About a month or so ago, I started to wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to sleep.  Solitude seems to suit me, as the only time I can remember being conscious during last night's sleep was to revel for a moment in how blissfully I was sleeping and feeling gratitude for another awesome bed.

To the best of my memory, since 1981, I have had 24 different homes. That's not counting when I've stayed with someone else for a length of time. I have actually had that many residences. Since I left my family's home when I was 18, I have never lived with more than one other person, and 40% of my adult life I have spent living alone. Self-containment is an important life skill. Living alone teaches us that.

The need to have someone or something to fill the void keeps us distracted from being with ourselves. Until we learn to sit with our self, to sit with our loneliness, our emptiness, our discomforts and our fears, we can never know the fullness of connection beyond our pleasures and pains. Just as everything in the entire Universe expands and contracts, so does our consciousness. Going within takes whatever time it takes. We cannot schedule it in our appointment book. We cannot "work" it into our life. Going within takes over our life.  Sometimes it takes us around the world, and sometimes it drops us off in the cave. Resistance to either only brings suffering. 

 

Finding myself, happily back in the cave recharging for my next adventure. Curious to know what will come out of this. Unpacked a few brushes and a canvas this afternoon, and I seem to have fallen in love with the color blue. Hmmmm....

Jealousy

Jealousy is a fiery redhead with intense green eyes. Interesting thing about her is that most of the time she behaves herself. But when she's bad, she's really BAD. I can't remember ever inviting her in for tea, but somehow I end up entertaining her now and then. She hangs out with a rotten crowd, Fear, Anger, Insecurity and Envy. All of which I wish would just move out of town, but what to do? When I ignore her, she and Anger just get louder. When I entertain her, she brings her friends Fear and Insecurity, and they talk so incessantly that they begin to sound like voices coming from my own head. Her friend, Envy, is just bad news. I locked him out once, and he just replaced the door with a new lock, one in which he owned the key. I found the thing to do when this group of shady characters shows up is to invite them, but I make sure I have some of my friends with me. Courage and Truth are the first I call. They have a way of giving Jealousy a reality check that quiets her down. Anger and Envy just leave when Love and Compassion show up. It takes all kinds. It's better to make friends with your demons, resisting them only puffs up their egos. Acceptance taught me this.

Today is Not a Good Day to Fall Apart

Today is not a good day to fall apart. My world seems to be in chaos. The panic button is flashing red. My situation seems to be quite delicate, as if my "House of Cards" could be blown away at any moment. This is no time to make a wrong move, a poor decision or to skip a beat. Just when I need to have all my wits about me, to conjure up all my magical powers and clever charms, I seem to be dull, lacking confidence and certainly far from charming. I seem to be hanging on by a thread that is on the verge of breaking, surely to drop me down into the pits of hell, then I remember. I have been there before, so what's the harm in one more visit?

One of my favorite lines is from a Talking Head's song... "Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens." Perhaps that makes hell the place where everything happens? Hell is a place the mind moves through. Heaven is a place the mind rests in. My mind, by it's very nature, is restless and often uncontrollable. I ask myself, "If I were able to control my mind, who is this that would do this controlling?" I have never come up with a satisfying answer.

What if the mind were given the freedom to be restless? How long could it be restless before it sought rest on it's own out of sheer exhaustion or perhaps even boredom? The truth is the mind cannot be controlled. It can only be attracted and distracted, attached and not attached. We often don't realize we are in heaven when we are there, because it is so non-eventful our mind doesn't bother to show up. A restful mind is one that has been engaged in positive ways. A restless mind is one that has been engaged in negative ways. If we find ourselves hanging on by that last thread, it's a sign we have already fallen apart. We might as well let go of it, and watch the cards fall.

All of our wrong moves, poor decisions and missed beats have already happened. We are simply experiencing the results of our past actions. The mind cannot rest in hell. How long it's journey through it is depends on how tightly we are clinging to the past, how fearful we are of the future and how content we are with nothingness. All good minds go to heaven.

I am reminded this morning to play good games. I don't know how this reminder came to me anymore than I know who controls my mind. My mind does not want to sit, so I will watch it dance it's drama out until it wears weary from it. I suppose I will hold onto this last thread until it breaks, which it will. They always do. I suppose I will fall down into the pits of hell, and then I will crawl, climb or claw out. I always do. I suppose my "House of Cards" will be blown down, and again I will rebuild. I always do. History repeats itself, because the mind repeats itself.

The mind creates stories and then lives them out. Play good games and tell good stories, but don't fool yourself. Hanging onto to heaven while you are in hell, will only keep you in limbo. A free fall down into the fiery pits will catapult you out faster than you can say "Abracadabra." Accept your existence. You really have no other choice. Think good thoughts. Say good things, and do good deeds. And when you can't, accept your defeat, then go ahead and fall apart. All of God's angles will put you back together again. They always do.

Accepting What IS

The philosophy of Non-doing can be a tricky one. It is enticing because in one sense it gets us off the hook, as it means if there is no doer, there is no one there to be held accountable for anything. It means that life is not our responsibility and therefore, nothing to feel guilty about. It means that there is a Divine Order that runs the show and that all is taken care of within that scheme. There is nothing we need to do, and we are free to just be.

The slippery slope of truly understanding the philosophy of Non-doing and ultimately realizing it, begins with the mind. The mind seems to be the problem. As seductive as sounds to be free of the feelings or responsibility, guilt and shame, it is just not that easy. It is dangerous to assume we are not responsible for anything when we still feel a solid doer present. Non-doing is never an excuse for acting out of alignment with Divine Order. To use Non-doing as an excuse for our actions as result of fear, jealously and greed only shows our investment in doership. A mind that refuses to accept it experiences fear, jealously and greed is a mind that cannot accept it is not the doer.

When life is beautiful it easy to accept Divine Order but when life is ugly, we cannot understand how Divine Order can be so cruel. There is suffering and rest assured, we will experience it. It is impossible for the mind to fully grasp the mystery of Divine Order, and even more impossible for the mind to believe it is not the doer. It's not just you. No one wants to suffer, and everyone wants to be happy. Our suffering and unhappiness is not God's fault. It is the result of our unmindful, unconscious living... yours, mine and theirs.

The realization of Non-doing happens through observing the mind do what it does, not controlling the mind doing what it does. Any controlling going on is going on in the mind, not by Divine Order. In becoming more conscious of the antics of our mind, our emotional body, our personality, our ego, we begin to notice how fickle and fictitious it actually is. When we catch how ridiculous we are, how fearful we are, how jealousy and greedy we are, we don't want to accept that is who we are. So, we either make up a story of an image that is more acceptable to us, or we realize that just can't be who we are. When we no longer believe the mind, we collide with truth of our self.

I have seen many a "non-doer", including myself, throw the philosophy out the window when the going gets tough, and start grasping for control trying to uphold the house of cards we've built. It is in these times of suffering, when we are absorbed in our fear or utterly fed up and disillusioned with life, that we are given the opportunity to break the mind's clutching to a reality that does not exist.

It is in this breakdown, we accept the mind, the ego, the individual "I" in all it's mucked-up-ness... in all it's insanity, with all it's fears, jealousies and greediness. It may or may not happen over night. It may or may not happen even in this lifetime, but eventually we realize the truth. Eventually, the mind merges into the background of existence. Eventually, we are free.

May we always remember... "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God."

Just because we have a "truthful" feeling, it doesn't mean that is who we truthfully are. Mostly we are imposters, and our feelings can't be trusted. We pose as this and pose as that in search of who we really are. Unfortunately, we believe our feelings, and our feelings constantly change. My angry self is not the "real" me; however if I am in denial of my anger, my greed, my jealously, my pain, I can never get past it and my awareness of my angry self grows.

The ego is a fictional character, but it is often who we believe our self to be. It is quite difficult to get handle on who this character is, as we are constantly creating and recreating this personality based on an image we would like to project. It is our belief in this fictitious character that feeds it and wears the grooves of our psychic patterning. Beliefs are fueled by our emotions. The stronger the emotion, the more rigid the belief. Our emotions are like a computer program and it's language is our conditioning.

When we can recognize our patterning, we can go beyond our conditioned responses. To go beyond our conditioning, we must accept that our perceptions may need to be corrected. We are not who we see ourselves to be. We are who we know ourselves to be. We do not have to believe anything about ourselves to be. If we are trying to convince anyone that we are anything, then we can rest assured we are still trying to convince our self. Believing does not lead to conviction. Believing is a feeling. Acceptance leads to conviction. When we are convinced that all we will ever be, we already are right here, right now... we are free.

Beyond Limits

Truth is simple; however it is not so simple to live it. It is the immaturity of a soul that creates complex interpretations of truth in efforts to maintain it's individual interpretations. In other words, to keep fooling ourselves by making up our own version. It is life that teaches the soul and with it's teaching, the soul matures. It not that we need to learn anything that we don't already know. It is that we need to uncover the truth already within us that has been veiled by our layers of conditioned patterns and fears. Living the truth of who we are takes a courage beyond the normal human tendency and a faith unfathomable by a normal mind. But what is normal? What is madness? A life truly lived is beyond the limits of normal. Be madly, passionately fearless. Cultivate irrational, insane faith. Go beyond the limits. Live juicy.

Non-doing Means Freedom to Me

There is one Universal Cosmic Source that runs the show. It is creation Itself. From this Source of Creation the entire universe is projected, including the individual "I" known as Uma. The individual "I" that I consider to be me is like a hologram being projected from Pure Consciousness. The individual "I" is an integral part of the Cosmic Scheme fully equipped with an individual consciousness, a mind that thinks and feels, along with a body that touches, tastes, hears, smells and sees.

 The individual "I"  is like the tentacles of an octopus. The tentacles of an octopus are it's extremities; extremities that see and feel and send their impressions to the octopus brain. They are never separate from the octopus. They do not exist without the octopus. They exist as part of the octopus. The individual "I" is the farthest outward reaching extension of Pure Consciousness, the "feelers" for Consciousness. "I" is merely the reporter of an experience being had. "I" exists because of Consciousness conjured it up, not because "I" thought itself into existence.

Since "I" cannot be not separate from Consciousness, as if "I" ever actually were, "I" would not exist. "I" must have a sense of personal will. If "I" did not have that sense, "I" would probably be unable to function. This sense of personal will empowers it with the desire to choose this or that. However, what "I" desires is not something "I" can control. In reality, there is nothing "I" can control, but "I" really enjoys thinking it can. This sense of personal will is more like a regulator of the system and gives the body/mind system the ability to do or not do. This regulator is designed to seek pleasure and avoid pain. "I" is perfect by design. If "I" am being myself, being truthful, being authentic this regulator cannot fail me.

Every single thing that happens in the Universe good, bad or indifferent happens on it's own. The same Source that regulates "I" regulates the entire universe. It's all made from the same thing and designed to do the same thing. Although a dog will look and act like a dog and a cat will look and act like a cat, their only purpose is to be a celebration of existence.  Your purpose, my purpose and everything in creation is merely for celebration and entertainment of Consciousness. It is "I" that takes itself so seriously and feels so intensely the importance of it's fate.

The Source does not judge good, bad or indifferent. Those are concepts for the human mind. Creation simply creates and does so impartially. As Consciousness inhales, inspiration arises and with it's exhale a world is created.  Encompassing all that IS, is everything... beautiful, ugly, good and evil. It is "I" that has the concepts and attaches the labels. Consciousness only breathes. This entire physical reality is being projected like a movie in front of our field of consciousness. Sometimes it is of sublime beauty, and sometimes it is of unfathomable horror. But whatever it is we see, feel and experience is passing. Nothing lasts forever.

Both suffering and bliss come and go like the waves of the ocean rolling in and rolling out. No more than we can control the waves in the ocean can we control what comes and goes in our lives. Whatever issues, problems, fears, etc. that "I" has are just passing experiences. "I" does not direct the show. If "I" realizes that it is not separate from it's Source, it realizes it has the power of the entire universe with it's reach. "I" can face the "ultimate monster," and if I do not believe in duality, "I" will see the monster as itself; and "I" is not designed to self destruct. "I" is designed to celebrate existence Itself.

There is no monster we cannot face, unless we are afraid of our own self. Now, that would be insanity, wouldn't it? Insanity comes through our resistance to what IS. Suffering is not our problem. Our acceptance of it is. At our very rudimentary, ignorant level, we will always seek pleasure over pain. Even if I am the most ignorant person in the world, " I" have this same regulator. If "I" can realize just this one fact, "I" can breathe deeper and sleep more soundly at night.

It is not up to us, and that's the freedom. There is nothing to do. It has already been done. We are merely playing out our lives like the characters of a story. Only this story is being created as we act it out, and the ending has not been yet decided. We will end up doing whatever we end up doing. Through the sense of our personal will, we will make choices based on our desires. There is a fool proof system we are equipped with that is perfect by design. We have all the power in the universe backing us. To realize this, we must only be our Self. Relax, you are not the mess you think you are. Reach beyond the illusion, and seek only truth. That, my friends, is our salvation.

You Complete Me and Other Horseshit

The purpose of relationship is not for two incomplete people to become complete. The purpose of relationship is for two people to ignite each other for deeper exploration of their own being so that they will become a more clear channel of Spirit and support each other for a greater to connection to God. We are whole and complete just as we are. There is no other person that can realize this for us. We can all relate to the desire to find the perfect partner. It is pretty much an obsession in our society to find that special someone for that special relationship. If we don't have a special someone, we are typically looking for one. And if we do have a special someone, we are usually trying to fix them so that they better fit our ideal.

One of our biggest delusions is that a relationship can fix us. The second is that we can fix someone else. Often we want to love and feel love because of psychic wounds. We think there is some special someone out there that can make our pain go away and if we find someone that soothes that pain even just a little, we hold on for dear life no matter how much mud it drags us through. The only love that completes us, the only love that heals us is the love of God. However, God doesn't stroke our hair at night, so more so than Ultimate Peace, we crave a warm body.

Often we think we are "in love" with a person when we are anything but. Curious creatures that we are, we are always looking for something and then sabotaging it when we find it. This is because we are looking for the wrong thing. When we are looking for that special relationship, we are seeking to heal the wrong wound. Our wound is too deep for a mortal to handle. We seek to fill our internal emptiness caused by a sense of  separation from own Self.

We approach relationship from a place of need, "What can I get? How are my needs going to be met?" As long as we use relationships to serve our ego's purposes, we will fail at them. If we are not allowing others to make mistakes and be themselves, we can know we are not accepting our own mistakes and being our self. The ego isn't looking for someone to love in as much as the ego is looking for someone to blame because if there is no one else to blame, we must blame ourselves.

It is more palatable to see our faults in another. In reality, we are only seeing a reflection of our own self.  A relationship must have a solid foundation of truth or there is really nothing there at all except games for the mind to play in already very well worn psychic grooves.... just patterns to be repeated. We look for these reflections of our self to discover what lies beneath the surface. Unfortunately, when we see what's there, we are sometimes disillusioned and afraid. The truth of us is not usually the image we prefer to  project. We wear masks for each other as not to expose our rawness, our ugliness or our scars. If I am afraid to show you the real truth about me... my fears and my weaknesses... it is because I am afraid that if you see them, you'll leave. It is because I am assuming you are as judgmental and unaccepting as I am. And I need you, because I do not feel whole.

More than teaching us to love and accept ourselves, often our "special" relationships teach us to attack and defend. They often end leaving us feeling either victimized or guilty. Instead of self love, self acceptance and self esteem, they teach us co-dependence, create psychic wounds and how to disrespect ourselves. So what is the answer? How do we fill the void? How do we fulfill the desire to connect with each other without loosing touch with the truth of ourselves? How do we feel complete? We start by being truthful with our self first. And if we don't know how to do that, we should pray until we figure it out, because that's all we have.

Our neuroses in relationships mostly stems from our own agendas for the other person or the relationship itself. It is not our job to try to make a relationship into something we think it should be. It is our job to find what is sacred in ourselves first and then look for that in the other person. Whatever we look for we will find. Sacredness is not a thing. Sacredness is an awareness. If we don't see that, perhaps they're not meant for us. Not every relationship is meant to be the ultimate romance. Many relationships are simply for a space in time. A sacred relationship is for a lifetime.

Until we know what it is we truly desire we will continue to aimlessly seek all that which is wrong for us only to find fault in others and in ourselves. At the deepest place within each of us is the desire to be whole. Wholeness is the only antidote to loneliness. If we are feeling alone, if we are afraid, it is because we have the mistaken belief we are separate from God. Unity with God is not an experience or an intellectual concept. It is the truth we eventually arrive upon.

Don't kid yourself. If you need someone to complete you, your priorities are eschew. The only sacred relationship is with God. All others stem from that like branches on a tree. Get it right with God first. Get it right with your Self. Learn to see yourself without the mask, and then expose yourself to others. Imposters can only know imposters. Beloveds can only know Beloveds.

Soulmates and Other Scary Things

Relationships are eternal. Separation is simply another chapter. Commitment in a relationship is commitment to a mutual process of understanding and forgiveness. A true commitment is when we show up again and again no matter how many conversations it takes, no matter how uncomfortable it gets. It doesn't mean we will never let go. It means we surrender to the process. Part of learning to how to truly share love is understanding when it is time to leave and doing so without abandoning each other.

Bodies untangle much easier than minds. No matter how disassociated with our feelings we might be, there is an energetic cord that connects us to each other that cannot be cut. Every intense encounter represents a deep and complicated karmic connection whether that person is a lover, a friend, a teacher, a sibling or a parent. The sadness experienced from the ending of a relationship is often more so than death. In death there is a sense of completion. Sometimes more so than the missing of another person, it is the lack resolve and acceptance that creates a hole which continuously leaks our energy. We crave resolution to fill the void, to feel wholesome.

Obviously some relationships effect us more deeply than others. There are 3 basic categories of relationships. First category are those involving common interests and are more superficial. The second are those we are pulled to for more intense work and often the relationships we are most comfortable with and those we desire the most. The last type are those that teach us the most and perhaps are the most challenging.

I read once that if you ever meet your soulmate you should runaway as fast as you can. We have romanticized an unrealistic ideal of the concept of a soulmate. Our soulmates (and while we have more than one, we encounter only a few during our lifetime) are those we have the deepest karmic ties. Those who have the most to teach us and those that consciously or unconsciously challenge our fears. They show us our walls, the places we can't love anymore, the places we cannot connect more deeply, the places we cannot forgive, the places we have forgotten.

We are in each others lives to heal and be healed. Relationships can either seductively pull us away from God or forcefully catapult us into God. We don't choose relationships. We collide into them. We don't choose what type of relationship we have with others, that energetic cord ties the knots that bind us to each other. To honor the sacredness or our relationships, is to honor God. Resolution never comes through escape. A broken mirror only multiplies. Love exposes our fears. If  we do not know our fears, we cannot know love. It is impossible to abandon God.

Love & Fear

The Course in Miracles tells us that there are only two emotions, love and fear. If we are not experiencing love, we are experiencing fear. It is an either or kind of deal. We cannot experience them both at the same time. Darkness is absence of light, and fear is absence of love. To dispel darkness, we must turn on the light. To fear less, we must love more.

We will find whatever we are seeking in life. If we see someone's innocence, it is because that is what we want to see. In turn, if we see someone as guilty, it is because that is what we want to see. The world is as we see it. If we think that we are imagining things, we are. Our perceptions create our individual realities. Our individual realities are not necessarily universal realities or the truth. The pointing, judging, vengeful finger ultimately reverses direction to accuse and punish no other than our own self.

It is not our duty in life to police the universe. It is our duty to celebrate existence. Existence IS regardless of us. We can doing nothing to control the world going round. If I waste my time and energy finding others guilty of crimes against me, I am simply wearing a groove to keep myself stuck in whatever past experiences where I felt angry or hurt, and assures that I will continue to be a victim of my own fears. Since, I cannot experience love and fear at the same time, my heart will be closed to the love I so desperately desire. 

We can never change ours or another's wrongful behaviors by pointing the accusatory finger. Forgiveness happens when we accept ourselves and others just as they are right now. This doesn't mean we won't get angry. This doesn't mean we won't get hurt. If just means, we won't prolong our suffering from lack of love because we are afraid to get angry or be hurt. I am not suggesting that we ignore and stuff our feelings. We must realize that our anger and hurt is just that, ours. To understand ourselves we must express ourselves in relationships. Nothing but disease, whether physical or emotional, comes from holding in our feelings. However, our feelings don't belong to anyone else, and they are not the responsibility of anyone else. 

When we behave unlovingly, it is because we have forgotten who we are. We have gone to sleep. To stay awake, we turn on the light. To turn on the light, we must simply be truthful. Fear is a lie. Only love is real. The most profound and meaningful statement I ever heard comes from the Course:

"Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God."

It is impossible for us to fix anything about ourselves or anyone else. Only God can cure and heal. For that to happen we must accept the truth of ourselves and others. What we seek, seeks us. If we want to experience more love, then we must go to the very core of our being and extract it from the endless depths of our reservoir residing there. Once tapped into, love will just pour out with reckless abandonment. Situations and people do not need our fixing. They need our love. 

If we are angry, we are afraid. If we are manipulative, insensitive or cruel, we are afraid. All fears are a cry for love. How can we truthfully ignore a cry for love? We can't, and our ignorance is also a cry for love. It is the wounded ego that cries for love. Since only God can cure and heal, the wounded ego must ultimately surrender to God. No religion, no teacher, no lover or even our own personal will can heal the wounded ego. Once we can accept our helplessness, our humanness and our lovelessness, we have opened the door to our heart so that all the love and healing we need can pour in.

Acceptance comes through truthfulness. You are not who you think you are. We must transcend the broken parts of ourselves by realizing the truth of who we are. We were made from love. We are made of love. To know thyself, love thyself. Nothing is up to you. It's all up to God. To know love, seek love. Seek love, and it will seek you. 

The Oneness of it All

Can we trust our belief that we are not a doer and still get angry and blame others? The answer is yes and no. If we have had the realization we are not the doer, then we have realized the core of our being. Resting there is an unshakable conviction, and at our core is Divine Perfection. There is no "other." If there is only the One, then there is no you and no me. So who could we be angry at? Who can we blame? Can I even blame myself if I am convinced there is no doer, that there is only the Divine Scheme?

Regardless of our conviction, in this physical reality and this energetic space, there is a thinker that thinks, a feeler that feels and a doer that does. There are layers of energetic patterns and psychic grooves, our karmas and samskaras unique to us.  We can not truthfully say the individual does not exist, as we are an integral part of the Whole. The energetic body carrying all it's karmas and samskaras, as well as our physical, mental and emotional bodies are very much alive. 

I am most peaceful when I am alone in Nature. I find it most easy to flow with the Oneness of it All when I do not have to engage with the world. My relationship with God is most easy when I spend lots of time in solitude and meditation. Something different comes into play when I am involved in relationship with others. From the the very core of my being I connect to the very core of their being. That is the easy part. When our karmas dance, when our samskaras collide and especially when our emotional bodies meet, the pot gets stirred.

No one wants to hear that they are not being truthful, but the truth is we are all liars. To understand Non-doing, we must first accept we have been fooling our self and others throughout our existence. We don't do this consciously. It is an unconscious psychic, emotional pattern based on fear and conditioning and until all the layers of our being become completely integrated and aligned with our convictions, we will continue to live the lie of duality and doership. We will continue to get angry and blame others. 

It is our emotional bodies that create the screeching between two individuals. If you don't behave the way I expect you to behave based on my established conditioning as to what kind of relationship we have mutually agreed upon, I will experience some sort of emotional disturbance and blame you. Depending on my personality and the type of relationship I have with you, that emotional disturbance could be experienced as anger, resentment, hurt or withdrawal. And your emotional body will react to my emotional body with it's individual emotional patterns and psychic grooves. So there we are two liars fully. invested in the duality of existence, not experiencing the Oneness of it All.

Relationship is the spiritual seeker's final frontier. Just because we experience emotion, just because we get angry, just because we blame another does not mean that we have not realized the core of our being. It is simply an indicator that our emotional body has not fully integrated with our deepest convictions. If there is screeching in a relationship, then there is some untruthfulness between the parties. More superficial relationships are often smoother, but not as rewarding. Superficial relationships are often based on commonalities. We may enjoy the same books, the same pastimes, the same work, the same emotional and physical pleasures, the same, same. These outward commonalities make it easy to enjoy the world together even when there may not be a deeper, more spiritual connection. Even many marriages are like this. Emotional and physical bonding does not necessarily have to be based on truth.

A spiritual relationship is based on Truth. Emotional and physical bonding may cause screeching as karmas and samskaras work themselves out. With a foundation based on truth, when your untruthfulness meets my untruthfulness, a process of clearing will be ignited. This is often not fun. This is the crux of transformation in our relationships. We can either run for the hills or be willing to roll in the muck for awhile. I have discovered that Truth is the only thing worth pursuing. I have discovered that no matter how difficult it can get down in the trenches of physicality and emotionalism, that if my relationships are based on a foundation of truth, then all the treasurers of the Kingdom, all the love, all the joy, all, the sublime beauty from the Oneness of it All are shining like diamonds underneath the rubble of transformation.

If you get angry and blame another, then you must blame yourself as well. You must hold some belief in the layers of your personality that identifies you with the doer. Ask yourself, who is this doer? Is it me? Is there a solid entity present in this moment, or is it a ghost of my past or a aberration of my future? Ask yourself, if you can be anywhere but where you are right now? Who are you, and where are you?

We fall down. We get up again. We get angry. We forgive again. It's all just Lila. Transcendence comes through devotion, dedication, discipline, courage and above all, truthfulness. Sometimes the only way out of hell is right through the center of it. And on the other side of hell lies paradise.

Who's Your Boogie Man?

Yesterday I faced a fear. We all know that fears are, for the most part, irrational; however, that doesn't seem to help us much when they show up. Phobias are just plain crazy. I am not sure my fear of heights is quite at the phobia level, but I am certainly aware of it's irrationality. Even though challenging my fears makes me uncomfortable, to say the least, I do so periodically just to check in. I can accept that I have fears, but I cannot accept them controlling my existence. It's just my way of sticking it to the fear monster.

I have been wandering around the planet since last November. I arrived back in the US beginning of June. I am traveling here and there with a car packed to the hilt  with whatever belongings I can carry, visiting friends, family and old haunts, working some and playing a lot. Mostly, I am happy with my present gypsy life but sometimes I start to wonder, "Am I just wandering aimlessly or is there a point to this?" One of my old haunts is Greenville, South Carolina. I lived here for about a year. I spent most of my time here alone in the woods across the street from my little cottage, hiking the 18 miles of trails weaving around this mountain. It was a time of introspection and getting to know myself again after a few years of chaos and transformation. I arrived here the day before yesterday and was chomping at the bit waiting for sun to rise and the rains to clear so that I could visit my old friend, curious to measure my growth over the last 10 months with this wise and stable yardstick.

These woods became my best friend during my time in Greenville. They always accepted me no matter what my mood and never demanding anything of me. The woods always offered me the keys to it's kingdom with daily gifts of sweet, earthy aromas, babbling creeks, grounding rocks and awe inspiring beauty. They also challenged me to become stronger physically and mentally. It's a long steep hike up this mountain, and I hiked mostly alone, preferring the solitude of Nature over company. I often wonder what I would do if I encountered a bear. Although the thought was somewhat scary, I also found it a little exciting. I am not afraid of bears. I am not afraid of getting lost. I am not afraid of being alone. I am afraid of heights.

About half  way up my trail to the Magic Pitt is a damn with a towering waterfall cascading over it. I stopped at the falls for a bit  to receive their blessings and breathe in their beauty. As my gaze found their top, I was reminded of the edge of the damn. I knew in that moment, I would have to walk the "plank," just to check in with my fear.  I climbed up to the top of the damn, took a deep breath and walked very slowly and very cautiously to the very edge of the slippery, wet stone. On one side is a lake so calm it looks like glass. On the other side, that still water turns into raging rapids as it rushes over the top of the damn. As I reach the edge, I find a dragonfly waiting there for me. I am a firm believer in animal medicine and animal totems, so her presence was not taken lightly.

Unfortunately, my fear of heights is still quite present. I do not fear being in the air. I am not afraid of flying either on a plane or a parasail. I am afraid of the edge, and more specifically falling over the edge. Investigating this fear, I realized that I am concerned that something unknown will push me over the edge more so than actually falling off on my own accord. However, sometimes I feel as if the wind could just blow me off. Even when it's not windy I have this sense. I often feel as if someone or something is behind me. I asked myself, "Is this how I live my life? Do I fear that there is someone or something behind me lurking just waiting to push me off the edge?"

Represented by the iridescence of their wings, Dragonfly medicine shines the light on our self created illusions. If you were to ask what is my greatest fear, I would not say heights. I would say that my most disturbing fear, although not a constant, but an uncomfortably familiar one, is that I am imagining what I think to be real. That what I think is real is merely my imagination, which would make my existence a cosmic joke. Being afraid of heights seems a silly and irrational fear. Being a cosmic joke; however, seems a realistic one.

My "boogie man" lurking behind me is that the illusion of my image can be shattered by the will of something more powerful than me. I fear that all my efforts, all my time, energy and money to create this image could be destroyed by a gust of wind. As I face my boogie man head on, I realize I am a cosmic joke and bring God great joy and laughter. What higher purpose can I imagine? It is in the shattering of our illusions that we discover our wings. Go ahead and walk the plank,and if you go over the edge, be grateful that you are no longer bound by your illusions. Shake hands with your boogie man. "Better to have your enemies inside the tent pissing out, than outside pissing in." By facing our fears we gain strength. By understanding our fears, we gain Wisdom. Wherever life takes us, the point is to realize and be free.

Evolution of the Human

Our consciousness is very complex. This complexity can be overwhelming and also very thick. There is a  Divine Order to our evolutionary process. It unfolds systematically so that we evolve rather than go mad.  The mind needs form and organization so that can take in vastness of  all that IS in way that does not blow our minds. 

First, we are given one thing to focus on.  That first thing is survival.If you ever feel you need grounding, just eat some food. It will take you to the your roots immediately. It is the most primordial desire we have.

Once we realize we can survive, we will not go hungry and our life is not in danger, we can begin to notice the world around us. Our emotional body is then developed, and we seek relationship. After we feel connected to the world, the desire to feel, to love and to share our life with others remains a part of us. We start to feel empowered by knowing we are safe, we will be fed and we will be loved. A foundation has been laid and we begin to question what is our relationship to the world, and how can I best utilize this relationship. At this stage, we have a fully developed ego.

 It is at this level where most of the world is stuck. Do I use my powers for good or evil? Do I continue to feed myself, protect myself and fulfill my desires, or do I use this empowerment, this intelligence and this abundance for, not only my highest good, but to the highest good of others as well? It is at this level, the human being can transcend the animal. Until then, minus a tail and all our thinking, we are pretty much the same. 

When we transcend our animal consciousness, the door to our heart is opened, and the waters of compassion flood our being.  It is here that we integrate and begin to express the beauty of our divinity.  As the fullness of our Divine expression comes to fruition, the veil of Maya becomes transparent, and the Seed of our Consciousness is revealed.  The perfection of our Divine Self is realized.

This evolution occurs at different rates within different individuals, but the same system is programmed in every human being. This, my friends, is the only destiny we have. It may take aeons, but eventually we all evolve.