Life just happens. It is really beyond our control. Our perception shapes the experiences we have. How we react to things depends on where our consciousness is at any given moment. There is a difference between just showing up and being present. Just showing up can mean your body is present but your consciousness might be mulling over the past or planning for the future… kind of like your car running on two cylinders. It is still running, but you can’t really depend on it to get you where you want to go. When we are fully present in the moment it’s like having all cylinders running optimally, and we have faith that we will get to where we want to go. Let’s say you have four cylinders in your engine, you can consider integrity as one of them with the other three being truth, faith and courage.
I have still been thinking a lot about integrity lately. I think that’s a good thing. I can think of many less valuable things I have spent my time thinking about. Integrity is something that makes you feel good about yourself. I am watching my behavior to see if I can catch myself before I do something that lacks integrity. I don’t always catch it before it happens, but I feel that if, in the least, I can recognize it that my truthfulness to admit it shows integrity. I also want to recognize when I do things with integrity so that I can remember feeling good about myself. I would like to build an arsenal of these experiences to refer so when I am feeling down on myself, I can remember that even though I get stuck in the mud at times, sometimes I shine. More often we remember how we messed things up by just showing up more than how we glorified a situation by being present in the moment.
Maybe next blog I’ll share a story in which I lacked integrity, but tonight I need one of those “feel good” stories. This past March in Haridwar, India at the Kumbh Mela, a Hindu religious festival and the largest gathering of people on the planet, my display of integrity brought out the integrity of others. It was a ridiculously hot day. We would head out for our daily wanderings early in the morning because by just 9:00am it would already reach 90 degrees. A 20 foot high embankment creates a path that winds along the Ganges and on one side there are a row of ashrams and huts along with big circus type tents set up for the mela. On the other side are more tents and then the main drag and the city itself. In India, animals roam free including cows, goats, horses and donkeys. Donkeys are considered the lowliest of animals to most Indians. Not to me though. I find them even more adorable in India, as I do with most livestock there. They all seem to have sweeter faces. Maybe it’s because of their freedom.
On this particular morning walk, about 7:00am, I noticed a lame donkey on the town side of the embankment. My heart went out to him when I saw him dragging that swollen, obviously, broken back leg. No one seemed to care or even notice. Maybe they did, but they were just like me. They didn’t know what they could do, so they did nothing. Many hours had passed since I saw that donkey, and I had forgotten about him. After lunch in India you take rest, partly because by that time of day it’s just too damn hot to do anything else. We had developed a sort of ritual by taking a refreshing dip in the Ganges, then eating lunch and resting. Our friend, Swami Sevanand, was a most gracious and kind soul who welcomed us to rest in his cottage anytime we wished. His cottage was located along the Ganges and, thankfully, only a short walk in the noon day soon from where we usually ate lunch.
It must have been close to 100 degrees by the time we finished our lunch. Lunch was incredibly delicious and as usual, I ate too much. Why super spicy food tastes so good in super hot climates is a mystery. If it weren’t for all the walking and sweating, I would be the size of a cow by the time I leave India. All I could think of was Sevanand’s cottage, and although there was no air conditioning or even a fan, just being horizontal in the shade sounded blissful. We walk in the blazing sun, down the steps of the burning hot, concrete ghatt leading to the river, across another ghatt when we had almost reached the shade… and there he was. My lame donkey laid there in the burning sun where he must have just collapsed from pain, thirst and heat exhaustion. I could not imagine how he got up that 20 foot embankment, down it to the other side and then hobbled the quarter of a mile to the river with that broken leg. He must have been dying of thirst to attempt it. The way the ghatt is built it would be impossible for a large animal with four good legs to be able to get close enough to the water to drink without falling in.
After his long, painful journey to the river, he laid there 10 feet from it unable to quench his thirst. It broke my heart. This was a very popular ghatt and there were many, many people milling about. No one cared or even seemed to notice this poor creature. I was frantically searching for a vessel to bring him water in. I tried to fill discarded plastic bags only to find they all had holes in them. Shantji suggested I ask a woman in a nearby hut to borrow a bucket. She gave me a bucket and came over to see my donkey. I put the bucket in front of him, but he did not drink right away. I scooped some water into my hands and put it under his mouth so that he could drink. Slowly he drank from my hands then the bucket. I began to sprinkle water on his overheated body. A man who had been watching the scene also got involved and suggested that I shouldn’t do that because it might be too much a shock for the donkey’s system considering the heat. A few others watched and began to share my concern for this dying animal. We all knew there were little hope for his survival, and we were sharing with this donkey the last of his life.
For most Indians a white woman at Kumbh Mela is certainly of interest, wandering with a Swami makes it quite intriguing, giving water to a dying donkey is a downright spectacle. In those moments of unity we all shared because of that donkey, all that was forgotten. There was no culture conditioning, no foreigner and no lowly creature. There was only compassion for a suffering being. I can’t take the credit for the integrity I showed that day, but I feel empowered that it flowed through me. I could of thought to myself, “oh that poor donkey” and went along to rest in my shady spot, but integrity did not allow me to. I doubt anyone else would have done anything. I am not placing judgment on them. I understand it was just not part of their conditioning to help such a lowly animal that was going to die anyway. I was only present in that moment. Because I was, I acted with integrity. That donkey gave me a gift, an experience for my memory bank when my integrity sparked that in others and brought strangers together for the common good.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
What's Your Word?
I just read a most insightful book, The Call by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. Don’t let the New Age name fool you. She’s one of the most truthful, down-to-earth, spiritual writers I have read. I recommend reading any of her books, but this one showed up for me at just the right time. It is my favorite of hers, as I find her the most raw in this one. There seems to be a lot of self help books and workshops to help one find their “purpose.” Finding one’s “purpose” is seemingly quite a challenging, life long duty, or is it? I like the way Oriah approaches this in her book. Ninety percent of her book is describing in a very poetic, as well as real life, way what the Call (one’s purpose) is, but in one paragraph in the second to last chapter, she very simply sums it up and tells you how to discover it. She suggests a starting point. She says to ask yourself, “If you could say one word to the world if you knew the world was listening attentively and would to the best of its ability follow the directive this word sent out, what would that word be? I think this is brilliant and what is even more brilliant is she tells you that she thinks this word will tell you where to begin and that not-doing (I relate to Non-Doing, but I think we are addressing the same philosophy) “will allow the one word you are to embody fill you and begin to shape your life.”
I, wholeheartedly, agree, and I already know my word. I have always known my word even when I couldn’t remember it. We all know “our word.” We all may have a different word, but we know what it is and all the words lead to the same place… Awareness. Sit with it and wait... not in an impatient, goal oriented way… but just sit and ask yourself what word out of all words from any language resonates with you the most. Be conscious and wait. Your word may be “love” but it could be another. Everyone resonates with love. Try not to be too impulsive, too creative or too “anything”. Maybe it will come to you written on the inside of your eyelids in big bold letters. Maybe you will hear it softly spoken or loudly yelled by your own or someone else’s voice, or maybe you’ll hear it in the wind. Maybe you will understand it through a vision. However it comes, it doesn’t matter… Just sit and wait.
My word is “integrity.” I remember when I first fell in love with this word. It was about 20 years ago. I was a young spiritual seeker involved with a group of other seekers exploring, as our teacher called her approach, “A Call to Greatness.” If I were to sum up the single most important thing I learned from that teacher over the couple of years I studied with her was, that without your integrity you have nothing. She used to say, “be integrible.” At the time I did not realize “integrible” is not a word. It should be, but its not. I used to use it all the time until my mother saw something I had written once using that word and told me. Regardless, of being “integrible” or not, I found practicing integrity made life easier.
I am not saying that I embody the ideal of integrity. It may be my word because it is something that I need to cultivate more of. However it works, when that word comes to my consciousness, I feel that help is on its way… that soundness is about to take over the wheel, and I will be getting out of my own way. Back in the day, when I was consciously practicing integrity, I found it easier to be myself, to express myself and to love myself. As with most things, if you practice them long enough, it happens without much conscious thought. Also, as with most things, if you don’t ever give it any conscious thought you might forget a few things. I discovered I needed a refresher course.
During my recent silent retreat, when I was exploring why it was I was not as comfortable being with myself as I had in the past, this word came to me. I hadn’t read that paragraph in Oriah’s book yet but when I did, I already knew my word. I am again practicing integrity, and seeing as I should be an expert at by now, I am adding “impeccable” to it. I no longer will except any excuses for any lack of integrity on my part. I am either integrible or I’m not. Making excuses by validating or justifying something I’ve done against my own sense of what is right or good or fair or just is what created the problem in the first place. One can never be completely truthful with their self without having integrity in thought, word and action. We can never be free until we learn to be truthful with ourselves, because we will stay bound protecting the false image of ourselves we have created. Understandably, we do not want to see what is dark, what is ugly, what is greedy or angry. If we could only know that we are not this darkness, this ugliness, this greediness or anger, we would know they are only passing thoughts or feelings and no longer be afraid to look at them. If we were only to be truthful, the veil that covers the true light of our being would be exposed in all its glory and all its beauty.
I imagine sometimes I will have impeccable integrity, and I imagine sometimes I will slip up. It is only a place to start… a spark for the fire. The fire will burn on its own. To look deeply into to one’s self takes courage and compassion, but if you don’t look you will never know who you are and will become lost, confused and frustrated trying to find out. I can trust to look more deeply if the incorruptibility of integrity is by my side. If I were to have one request of the world, I would ask that it show me more integrity. The world is a reflection of consciousness, as I am a reflection of consciousness. If I am reflecting integrity, then it shall be reflected right back to me. Yep, integrity is my word… no doubt about it. What’s your word?
I, wholeheartedly, agree, and I already know my word. I have always known my word even when I couldn’t remember it. We all know “our word.” We all may have a different word, but we know what it is and all the words lead to the same place… Awareness. Sit with it and wait... not in an impatient, goal oriented way… but just sit and ask yourself what word out of all words from any language resonates with you the most. Be conscious and wait. Your word may be “love” but it could be another. Everyone resonates with love. Try not to be too impulsive, too creative or too “anything”. Maybe it will come to you written on the inside of your eyelids in big bold letters. Maybe you will hear it softly spoken or loudly yelled by your own or someone else’s voice, or maybe you’ll hear it in the wind. Maybe you will understand it through a vision. However it comes, it doesn’t matter… Just sit and wait.
My word is “integrity.” I remember when I first fell in love with this word. It was about 20 years ago. I was a young spiritual seeker involved with a group of other seekers exploring, as our teacher called her approach, “A Call to Greatness.” If I were to sum up the single most important thing I learned from that teacher over the couple of years I studied with her was, that without your integrity you have nothing. She used to say, “be integrible.” At the time I did not realize “integrible” is not a word. It should be, but its not. I used to use it all the time until my mother saw something I had written once using that word and told me. Regardless, of being “integrible” or not, I found practicing integrity made life easier.
I am not saying that I embody the ideal of integrity. It may be my word because it is something that I need to cultivate more of. However it works, when that word comes to my consciousness, I feel that help is on its way… that soundness is about to take over the wheel, and I will be getting out of my own way. Back in the day, when I was consciously practicing integrity, I found it easier to be myself, to express myself and to love myself. As with most things, if you practice them long enough, it happens without much conscious thought. Also, as with most things, if you don’t ever give it any conscious thought you might forget a few things. I discovered I needed a refresher course.
During my recent silent retreat, when I was exploring why it was I was not as comfortable being with myself as I had in the past, this word came to me. I hadn’t read that paragraph in Oriah’s book yet but when I did, I already knew my word. I am again practicing integrity, and seeing as I should be an expert at by now, I am adding “impeccable” to it. I no longer will except any excuses for any lack of integrity on my part. I am either integrible or I’m not. Making excuses by validating or justifying something I’ve done against my own sense of what is right or good or fair or just is what created the problem in the first place. One can never be completely truthful with their self without having integrity in thought, word and action. We can never be free until we learn to be truthful with ourselves, because we will stay bound protecting the false image of ourselves we have created. Understandably, we do not want to see what is dark, what is ugly, what is greedy or angry. If we could only know that we are not this darkness, this ugliness, this greediness or anger, we would know they are only passing thoughts or feelings and no longer be afraid to look at them. If we were only to be truthful, the veil that covers the true light of our being would be exposed in all its glory and all its beauty.
I imagine sometimes I will have impeccable integrity, and I imagine sometimes I will slip up. It is only a place to start… a spark for the fire. The fire will burn on its own. To look deeply into to one’s self takes courage and compassion, but if you don’t look you will never know who you are and will become lost, confused and frustrated trying to find out. I can trust to look more deeply if the incorruptibility of integrity is by my side. If I were to have one request of the world, I would ask that it show me more integrity. The world is a reflection of consciousness, as I am a reflection of consciousness. If I am reflecting integrity, then it shall be reflected right back to me. Yep, integrity is my word… no doubt about it. What’s your word?
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Right Here, Right Now... In Wonderland
“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?” said Alice
Please forgive me “Oh Great Goddess of Bloggers” for I have sinned. It has been 4 months since I started my blog. I blogged once with quite the promise to continue and have never returned to my site. So much happens so quickly here in Wonderland that it’s difficult to pinpoint where to start. In honor of the motto that constantly runs through my head these days suggests, “right here, right now,”… so, I shall start right here, right now.
I fell down the rabbit hole about 3 years ago and things have never been the same, because everything that was is not. Everything that is seems it is not. Yes, I am relating my spiritual journey to that of Alice in Wonderland, because often it seems the most relevant to my experience. I often try to explain this to my Teacher, who growing up in India, has no reference point for my comparisons. I even checked the book out of library for him to read; however, I still don’t think he gets it. I hope you will understand that to a bellydancing, yogini from Florida finding herself living in an ashram in “Podunk,” Pennsylvania searching for enlightenment might as well be Wonderland.
Right here, right now I am alone, except for my little dog, a tough cat, an old horse, a pushy cow and a crazy chicken, in the middle of nowhere out of 40 acres. This is by choice, and I am grateful for this space and time I have been provided. I am on silent retreat. I am not interacting with any humans. I am not answering the phone, checking email or even goofing off on Facebook. I don’t watch TV anyway, and I am not checking news on the internet. The world could catch on fire, and I would not know until I saw it aflame in the pasture. I am being sustained by prana, mediation, yoga, writing, dancing and juicing.
Why, one might ask? I am doing this because after all my efforts to become enlightened, my years of mediation, yoga, spiritual practice and study I find myself lost, fidgety, restless and unable to simple just be with myself. Why, is what I ask myself? For years I thought if I only had the time and space free of the distractions of worldly existence I would be more spiritual, more compassionate, more aware. If only I had nothing to do I would just simply be able to be. When there is nothing you have to do, you have to be with yourself… really be with yourself. There is no job, no family and no worldly existence to distract you. You have no excuses. If you are not used to this, and most of us are not, there is a void. We immediately want to fill this emptiness. and we follow one distraction after the other so we feel “normal.” For most of us being distracted is our “normal” state of being, not being. I am tired of being distracted and desire, with the deepest sincerity, to know what’s on the other side of the rabbit hole.
Everyone talks about how they are “working” on just staying in the moment… being present… taking their life one moment at a time. My question is how do we expect to live our lives “in the moment” if we can’t even sit in meditation 15 minutes being present in the moment? The answer that has come most clearly and loudly to me is to stop working on it, just do it… right here, right now. If my life does not provide the space and time to be, then there is something sorely wrong. There is no technique you need to learn first, no posture to master first, no book you must read first, there is no protocol. We don’t need to surrender to anything, subscribe to anything or even believe in anything. Suzuki Roshi wrote, “We don’t need to learn to let go. We just need to recognize what is already gone.” As Shantji constantly reminds me, “There is nothing to do. It has already been done.”
What I find over and over again is that when I am unable to just be with myself there is somewhere I have fooled myself… some lie I am covering up. If I were to look deeper, I would find it. Instead, I get distracted with needs, responsibilities and obligations so I can continue my “normal” existence… never slipping down in that rabbit hole, as it would require too much introspection to understand that there may simply be another way of being. The lie is we are afraid that our world is not what we thought it was, and we want to protect the house of cards we live in. We’ve been lying to ourselves for so long we’ve forgotten who we really are. We’ve all been living in Alice’s “world of nonsense,” and we are terrified that the rabbit hole may just lead us to ourSELF. What would we do then? There would be nothing to learn, to fix, to figure out, or even to do. What would we do with all that time and space? I have discovered that the only thing scary about the rabbit hole is my perception that it is real, and on the other side of hell lays paradise.
"Who are YOU?" said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
Please forgive me “Oh Great Goddess of Bloggers” for I have sinned. It has been 4 months since I started my blog. I blogged once with quite the promise to continue and have never returned to my site. So much happens so quickly here in Wonderland that it’s difficult to pinpoint where to start. In honor of the motto that constantly runs through my head these days suggests, “right here, right now,”… so, I shall start right here, right now.
I fell down the rabbit hole about 3 years ago and things have never been the same, because everything that was is not. Everything that is seems it is not. Yes, I am relating my spiritual journey to that of Alice in Wonderland, because often it seems the most relevant to my experience. I often try to explain this to my Teacher, who growing up in India, has no reference point for my comparisons. I even checked the book out of library for him to read; however, I still don’t think he gets it. I hope you will understand that to a bellydancing, yogini from Florida finding herself living in an ashram in “Podunk,” Pennsylvania searching for enlightenment might as well be Wonderland.
Right here, right now I am alone, except for my little dog, a tough cat, an old horse, a pushy cow and a crazy chicken, in the middle of nowhere out of 40 acres. This is by choice, and I am grateful for this space and time I have been provided. I am on silent retreat. I am not interacting with any humans. I am not answering the phone, checking email or even goofing off on Facebook. I don’t watch TV anyway, and I am not checking news on the internet. The world could catch on fire, and I would not know until I saw it aflame in the pasture. I am being sustained by prana, mediation, yoga, writing, dancing and juicing.
Why, one might ask? I am doing this because after all my efforts to become enlightened, my years of mediation, yoga, spiritual practice and study I find myself lost, fidgety, restless and unable to simple just be with myself. Why, is what I ask myself? For years I thought if I only had the time and space free of the distractions of worldly existence I would be more spiritual, more compassionate, more aware. If only I had nothing to do I would just simply be able to be. When there is nothing you have to do, you have to be with yourself… really be with yourself. There is no job, no family and no worldly existence to distract you. You have no excuses. If you are not used to this, and most of us are not, there is a void. We immediately want to fill this emptiness. and we follow one distraction after the other so we feel “normal.” For most of us being distracted is our “normal” state of being, not being. I am tired of being distracted and desire, with the deepest sincerity, to know what’s on the other side of the rabbit hole.
Everyone talks about how they are “working” on just staying in the moment… being present… taking their life one moment at a time. My question is how do we expect to live our lives “in the moment” if we can’t even sit in meditation 15 minutes being present in the moment? The answer that has come most clearly and loudly to me is to stop working on it, just do it… right here, right now. If my life does not provide the space and time to be, then there is something sorely wrong. There is no technique you need to learn first, no posture to master first, no book you must read first, there is no protocol. We don’t need to surrender to anything, subscribe to anything or even believe in anything. Suzuki Roshi wrote, “We don’t need to learn to let go. We just need to recognize what is already gone.” As Shantji constantly reminds me, “There is nothing to do. It has already been done.”
What I find over and over again is that when I am unable to just be with myself there is somewhere I have fooled myself… some lie I am covering up. If I were to look deeper, I would find it. Instead, I get distracted with needs, responsibilities and obligations so I can continue my “normal” existence… never slipping down in that rabbit hole, as it would require too much introspection to understand that there may simply be another way of being. The lie is we are afraid that our world is not what we thought it was, and we want to protect the house of cards we live in. We’ve been lying to ourselves for so long we’ve forgotten who we really are. We’ve all been living in Alice’s “world of nonsense,” and we are terrified that the rabbit hole may just lead us to ourSELF. What would we do then? There would be nothing to learn, to fix, to figure out, or even to do. What would we do with all that time and space? I have discovered that the only thing scary about the rabbit hole is my perception that it is real, and on the other side of hell lays paradise.
"Who are YOU?" said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
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