There is no safety net, and it’s not all good. You can take a leap of faith. You can fall, and you can crash. The story they sold you about there’s always someone or something to catch you if you fall is a lie. If they told you the truth, you would not believe them and if you did believe them then they would have no control over you. It’s not all good. It’s about 50/50, as long as we are still looking at things as bad and good. Whatever we consider good in this lie that we are living is also 50% bad, just depends on which side of the coin is flipped up in the moment. If you had a choice to physically incarnate as a human being and were told that you going to be shown an illusion so grand that you would fall madly, deeply, passionately in love with it.... You would become so attached to it that you would feel you could not exist without it. It would be so magnificent, so beautiful and seem so real that you would forget it was only an illusion. Then at some point they will tell you it’s not real, and no, you can’t have it. Would you sign up?
When you’re on the beach looking out at the beautiful ocean, you see the foamy, white tops of the gentle waves rolling in from a soft blue horizon line, and you feel peaceful. You don’t see the sharks, piranhas and other flesh eating creatures that await you underneath the beautiful top layer of the sea. I don’t think most of us ever even think about the perils below while watching the sweetness above, but it’s still there. For most normal folks, there is something innate within us that seeks beauty over ugliness that seeks pleasure over pain … so we look for what we want to see. However, that doesn’t mean the ugliness and pain is not there. It’s there and that tsunami could blow in, that school of piranhas could infest the calm waters… and then the coin would flip. What was “all good” just turned “all bad.” What was pleasurable would become painful in an instant.
Now what can our mind do with this? It can do nothing. If we hold a concept of good and bad, and we all do, it is impossible for the mind to process that what once brought us so much joy, now makes us hurt. So what to do? Approached from the perspective of the mind, we can only think about it, because that is all the mind is capable of doing. Thinking will create new concepts and ideas to deal with the new data. The mind doesn’t really know anything. It only thinks it knows, and it will think it has discovered something new. It really hasn’t, though. It has only created another pattern of thinking that creates another groove in our psyche. There is nothing wrong with this process. If the mind could not do this, it would certainly blow, and “we” as a body-mind system would become completely dysfunctional.
I am beginning to understand that to break through this cycle of creating patterns and treading the grooves of our conditioning, the mind does actually have to blow blasting the container held together by its perceptions. The rug must be pulled completely out from underneath us, and we must give up on the sense of being grounded to anything. We must become groundless… petty scary, huh? How many would walk a path, join a religion or follow a teacher if we were told upfront nothing is what you think it is? What if you were told upfront that none of us really know anything? There is no destiny. Life is much more random than you can ever imagine. No one is enlightened. And if you seek the ever illusive enlightenment, you will surely go mad trying. And if in your pursuit of enlightenment, you actually find Truth, you’re mind will blow. I think very few would walk, or join or follow, but there are a few who will, a few that are willing because they have nothing to loose. They already saw the complete, total mind fuck of the lie they live. Somewhere in someway the rug was pulled out from underneath them, and they lost their footing in the illusion. This has probably happened to them many times and at first they reach for anything to gain ground with concepts and patterns of thinking. This happens over and over again until something happens that shakes our very core… something so hurtful, so painful, so horrible that we loose hope. We give up. We are fed up. We are too tired and have no energy to keep supporting the lie. Giving up on hope is where living a raw and truthful existence begins.
As long as we entertain the hope that something will be different than it is, then we also have to continue to entertain the fear that it won’t. Hope and fear are two sides of the same coin. A life without hope may sound sad to imagine. Can you imagine a life without fear? Really, ask yourself, “Can You?” If you can then you will see there is no need for hope. It is wise to keep our hope until we are truly ready to look fear straight in the eye. Avoiding fear does no good. Fear will keep knocking at your door until it is acknowledged. Fear only wants your respect, not your power. There is no path, no religion and no teacher that can do this for you. Until we become intimate with fear, there is no one you can count on or trust, not even yourself.
The only way to know Truth, to know what is real is to know fear, to know pain, to know loneliness. When we can sit with our self and watch without the need to change anything, to fix anything or to hope for anything different than what is happening in the now, then we will have achieved self-mastery. Tsunamis will devastate. Wars will explode. Death is inevitable. There are sharks in the ocean. It’s not all good, but half of it is. The sun will rise everyday. Someone somewhere will love you. Babies will be born. There all dolphins in the ocean too. So what can we do? We can only watch, become a witness of the story be told. Our intelligence will do the rest. When I see the straight fin of a shark, I will stay out of the water. When I see the curved fin of a dolphin, I will jump in with playful delight.
Nature takes care of itself. Evolution occurs in all of nature, including the human being. There is no safety net. There is only Divine Order. Don’t bother trying to trust in it, because you’re mind can’t really grasp it. The mind can be transcended, though, when we learn to sit and just watch it do its thing, think. Beyond thinking is awareness. In awareness is Truth, and that is what you can count on, that is what you can trust. Don’t try to trust, just be truthful and trust will well up from the Truth inside you. There is no hope we will ever discover the Truth, but there is no fear that we won’t. Enlightenment, I don’t know about, and I am not seeking it. I think, perhaps, I will stick with freedom.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Shivaratri... in the Jungle with Bats, and Jackals and Spiders... Oh My!
This morning I light a candle in for Shiva and reflect back to this time last year. Shivarati is a festival in India honoring Lord Shiva. It means “night of Shiva.” Shiva is the intoxicated God and celebrate him they do in Uttar Pradesh! I had been to the Shiva temple in the Jungle for Shivarati the previous year, however, this year was a special celebration and we would be staying for a couple of weeks. This would turn out to be one the most intense, most magical, most unusual two weeks of my life.
Work had been underway for this celebration for many months. Shantji had made plans for the construction of a new platform around the circumference of the area where the Shiva Temple was. It had been quite the undertaking for Raju over the last few months, but now it was ready. A bhandara (a great feast) was planned to celebrate Shivaratri and inaugurate the new construction. I had been at Yogalaya in Allahabad for about 6 weeks and plans for this Bhandara were the focus of attention since we arrived in India.
The Shiva Temple in the jungle was about a mile and a half from the remote village where Shantji grew up. It holds special memories for him, as he spent a couple of years living there in a cave. It is a magical place, and like no other I have been before. From the village you walk through all the mud thatched huts of the villagers and into the fields of gram and mustard greens to arrive at a small jungle area. In Florida we would call it a hammock. In India it is a jungle. The small, modest temple is up a hill. Downstairs is where Ram Das, a young swami lives. Up the stairs is a flat roof top walk way that circles the Shiva shrine. Inside one of the sweetest looking white marble statues of Shiva I have seen. Shantji had it installed many years before. Down from the temple is a big flat open area and around the corner under another hill is the cave.
The other new addition this year was a brick structure with a roof and 2 sides built onto the opening of the cave. Much to my delight they had put futons there underneath the structure for us to sleep on. I had imagined sleeping in the cave…. with the bats. The view from the cave looks out onto a huge, majestic tree and then down to a sweet little river. Also, much to my delight they built a latrine for me down the hill. I would be the only woman staying out in this jungle, so this private bathroom made me very happy.
On the top of the hill above the cave is simply the most amazing tree underneath which a platform has been built. It is an easy to climb up to a natural perch where you can gaze out onto a beautiful vista covered with the bright yellow flowers of the mustard greens that sprawl over the rolling hills below. Because it is up on a hill you look down on to the tops of other trees and watch the birds dance and fly. I spent many hours nestled in the nurturing arms of this magnificent tree.
We arrived about 3 days before Shivaratri. The first day was your typical bright, warm, sunny India day. The next two brought the rains. On the day we traveled I noticed what seemed to be an insect bite on my leg. When we left the village for the jungle I noticed it looked infected. By the end of the first day in the jungle its size had quadrupled and was quite sore and quite hot with infection. I was not feeling so well either but tried not to give it much energy.
Late that evening a group of men from the village showed up unannounced, and I would guess, intoxicated. Everyone spoke Hindi, so I hardly ever knew what was really going on. We were asleep when they arrived. The men staying out with us tried to stop them from coming to the cave, but they came anyway. They sat right down and seemed to be a little hostile about something. That much I could tell. Shantji dealt with them in a kind but stern way and then they left without much trouble. However, I was quite awake and a little on guard. I never expected a group of intoxicated men in the night in the jungle. I think they had something to with bringing supplies for the bhandara but more so for harassment.
Shantji went to converse with the other men, and I guess I feel asleep only to be awoken by very tall, strange looking man at the end of my bed. Who, upon seeing me, was just as surprised to see me as I was to see him. He muttered, I think, an apology in Hindi and walked on. “How many people wander around this jungle in the middle of night,” thought to myself feeling quite concerned! Okay, now I was bordering being freaked out. I grabbed my flashlight ran down (actually hobbled now because my leg had become so swollen) to where everyone was and very excitedly told them what happened. Then a manhunt ensued. They found my intruder. Apparently, he was a wandering swami who often slept there. He was just as confused about me as I was about him. He was harmless, but adrenaline was still pumping through my veins.
Finally, I fall asleep due to sheer exhaustion only to be awoken again. This time by the strangest sound I’ve ever heard. It was a blood curdling, deep growling howl that sounded about 10 feet away! I sat straight up out of a deep sleep and grabbed my flashlight to shine out onto nothing but fog. An eerie, mystical fog had settled in during my slumber and I could see nothing. I realized I was there by myself in the cave, as I looked over to ask if anyone else had heard that sound. I did not hear it again, but I slept with one eye open most of the night. As I lie there half asleep and half awake I feel the breeze generated from the bats wings as they fly over my head going in and out of the cave through the night. “This was going to be a long couple of weeks,” I thought to myself.
The next morning we awoke to torrential rains, and I to a very swollen and painful leg. The concern started about the bhandara. The road to the jungle was turning into mud and it would be difficult for the vehicles to get down it to deliver the food to be prepared for the feast. Preparations were still being made but there was a concern it would have to be cancelled if the rains did not stop. It rained the entire day; however, celebration for Shiva was well underway. The chilom was passed. The stories were told and the waiting for the rain to stop began. Once again the eerie, mystical fog moved in. The rains were no longer torrential but still steady.
I was feeling worse and worse. My entire lower leg was swollen and was excruciating to the touch. I laid most of the day on my bed with my leg up the brick wall wondering what I was doing out in this jungle with all these crazy Babas, unusual villagers, and not to mention that strange animal that growls and howls in the night. I asked everyone about this animal and no one seemed to have heard it but me. Also no one seemed concerned about it but me, and here it was nightfall again. Again came the bats and the growling, howling beast from the trees, and then something new that scared the heebie jeebies out of me. I awoke in the middle of the night again, to the sense of someone or something’s presence at the end of my bed, and it was the sweet, mangy dog I had befriend earlier by giving him my chapattis. He stood at the end of my bed, ears straight up, eyes wide as if he were asking to spend the night here. I felt comforted by his presence and thanked God for my new watch dog. Surely he would protect me from the howling, growling beast. This night was more peaceful.
The chanting for Shiva started at 5:00am and was to continue for the next 24 hours but in actuality, I think it was more like 36 We would fast and chant, and for those who were inclined, smoke chilom or drink bhang (a drink made of an intoxicating herb). The rain had slowed to a constant drizzle but still present. The drumming and the chanting, “Hara Hara Maha Deva Shiva Shambo Kashi Vishwanatha Gange.” The rain did not dampen the hearts of these shivaites.
The concern grew over the fate of the bhandara. The chanting to Shiva brought his blessings. A group of villagers came to offer their support. As the strength of the devotion brought a power to the group, a declaration was made and the bhandara would happen rain or shine! The food was delivered by ox carts, by motorcycles, by bicycles and even carried on the heads of the villagers themselves. It was decided a huge tent would be put up and under that the food could be cooked in the rain. The hole for the fires was dug. The gigantic pots arrived. Everyone participated. We all took turns chanting. When the chanters got tired, in a natural flow, fresh new chanters would replace the weary ones. Shantji was responsible for the morale of the troupes and kept the energy going strong by singing, dancing and charming everyone. I don’t think he slept more than a couple of hours for a couple of days.
I’ve never seen so many tomatoes, so many potatoes and heads of cauliflower, so many people coming together, working so hard, enjoying it so much and serving God so sweetly. About 50 or so women and children came to make the thousands of chapattis. There were choppers and stirrers and the best cooks of the village. The people of this village are uncomplicated, innocent people and delightful to be with. The sight of this production is one that will be one the loveliest of my memories. I was deeply touched by their sweetness and ignited with their compassion.
Shantji had appointed me official videographer for the event, so I hobbled about the day recording as much of this event as I could. I needed to get off my leg. I had been asking Raju for a couple of days for some antiseptic and a hypodermic needle. I felt that if I could drain the nasty boil on my leg that it would release the pressure and would not be so painful. He finally, reluctantly brought it for me. He and several others advised against my popping of the thing. I, however, thought I knew better. It’s still debatable whether that was the right decision or not. I am still alive and still have a leg.
It was late in the day, and I found a quiet spot alone and did the deed. It pulsed and throbbed from pain after I did so. I felt weak and sick. I laid down and dosed in an out. The eerie, mystical fog came, the bats flew in and out, the howling, growling jackals came (I learned that this sound was from a jackal and that they are dog-like creatures afraid of everything) and once again my dog scared the heebie jeebies out of me and then took his position at the foot of my bed. The drums pounded. The chanters roared. The rain poured.
I was delirious from fever. My entire body was on fire. I broke out in red-hot hives. My throat started to close up. I know enough to know that I was having an allergic reaction and that when your throat starts to close off you’re in trouble. I seriously thought I might die. I woke up Shantji to tell him that I thought I was going to die. He stated the obvious, that there was nothing really we could do. It was 3:00am. We were in the jungle, and because of the rains no vehicles could get in or out. He told me, “All we can do is pray. It’s all God’s up to God’s will.” However, truthful this was, to someone thinking they might die, it’s not that comforting. I think I commented something like, “Well, start praying hard, will you? I had never been more miserable. My fever was high, and I started to hallucinate. Interesting thing though, I could feel the pain, the fever and even the fear. I knew I was hallucinating but still having a very vivid hallucination anyway. I had a very strong and clear awareness of the Witness even through my delirium. Even though I knew this experience was being had, I knew I was not this experience. I was only witnessing it occur.
In my hallucination, or perhaps mystical experience, Shiva appeared to me through the mist, resting in the tree about 20 feet away. I felt as if I was receiving some sort of initiation from Shiva himself. I asked him, “Do you want a piece of me?” Go ahead take it, I surrender.” He never spoke to me in this vision, but seemed to transmit some energy to me. Like I said, “I know I was hallucinating.” Whatever was happening, it was powerful. I dosed off finally and when I awoke, my fever had broke. The hives had cooled off. Shantji’s praying? Shiva’s blessing? God’s will? I was still alive.
The rain stopped, and I watched a beautiful sunrise over the river from my bed. The bhandara would happen! Everyone was blissfully preparing for the feast. I was weak, but much better. I may have been in the jungle, but I was treated like a queen. I had my own personal bathroom. There was a latrine, a brick floor with bamboo poles covered by plastic tarps. Not fancy, but was quite luxurious for the jungle. Whenever I asked, one of the men who so sweetly took care of me, would heat up two buckets of water over the fire and carry them down the hill to my bathroom. It was the first time in days that the sun warmed up my bathroom. I was grateful to be alive, feeling the warmth of the sun as I poured the hot water over my very weak body.
There is so much that went on this feast day. It’s hard to know where to start… so many stories within stories. No one knew who would come, because it was so iffy due to the rains. They hoped for 3,000 but planned for more and feared there might be less. More there was. They came in droves. I’m not sure how they counted, or who actually did the counting, but they say 6,000 came. I would believe it, give or take a 1,000.
It was a gloriously festive day. Shantji was the happiest I think I ever saw him. This was his party, and he was the host of hosts. Everyone ate, sang and danced. I think what made him so happy was not just that people were fed and had a good time celebrating God, but that the event brought everyone together for the common good of the whole… and it happened in the grandest of ways without struggle or fight… just pulling together. He saw thousands of old friends and made thousands of new ones.
Late that afternoon a group of Swamis that were fabulous musicians just showed up. They rocked the jungle with the most fabulous kirtan for a couple of hours. As the sun set, the music stopped, the chanting stopped and the musicians sat down and were served by Shantji and Raju. It was such a beautiful sight to see the gratitude, the reverence and the love on the faces of Shantji and Raju as they stood watching these holy men eat this holy food on this holy day. After the musicians ate, the last to be fed, I watched Shantji and Raju eat the first food they had eaten, breaking the fast. In India the hosts don’t eat until everyone has been fed. Never have I enjoyed watching someone eat as I did that day. I too felt the reverence, symbolism, the love. It was blessed food for blessed souls.
The warm colors of the sun were disappearing behind the hills. I stood slightly above the crowd on the wall at a distance taking in the entire scene as people said their goodbyes and the crowd thinned down to a small group. I see a group of motorcycles driving up the path. One Swami with 5 men wearing navy blue blazers, white pants and white turbans with riffles slung across their shoulders seemed to ride in with the sunset. The Swami wore an orange robe, a leather jacket, dark glasses and was quite good looking. I thought to myself this day was certainly not over, and I would be right.
Swami Swatantranand had arrived and that’s a whole other story…as well as many others from this day and this jungle. I’m surprised I got out of there in one piece. I fell in a 6 foot kiva. There were flat tires and scooter accidents, and that whole almost being kidnapped story. Oh yeah, and the bite was a brown recluse spider whose venom ate the flesh on my leg and took 6 weeks to heal. You know what? I’d go back in heartbeat, though. India is another planet entirely, and one I hope to return to many times.
Om Namah Shivaya!
Work had been underway for this celebration for many months. Shantji had made plans for the construction of a new platform around the circumference of the area where the Shiva Temple was. It had been quite the undertaking for Raju over the last few months, but now it was ready. A bhandara (a great feast) was planned to celebrate Shivaratri and inaugurate the new construction. I had been at Yogalaya in Allahabad for about 6 weeks and plans for this Bhandara were the focus of attention since we arrived in India.
The Shiva Temple in the jungle was about a mile and a half from the remote village where Shantji grew up. It holds special memories for him, as he spent a couple of years living there in a cave. It is a magical place, and like no other I have been before. From the village you walk through all the mud thatched huts of the villagers and into the fields of gram and mustard greens to arrive at a small jungle area. In Florida we would call it a hammock. In India it is a jungle. The small, modest temple is up a hill. Downstairs is where Ram Das, a young swami lives. Up the stairs is a flat roof top walk way that circles the Shiva shrine. Inside one of the sweetest looking white marble statues of Shiva I have seen. Shantji had it installed many years before. Down from the temple is a big flat open area and around the corner under another hill is the cave.
The other new addition this year was a brick structure with a roof and 2 sides built onto the opening of the cave. Much to my delight they had put futons there underneath the structure for us to sleep on. I had imagined sleeping in the cave…. with the bats. The view from the cave looks out onto a huge, majestic tree and then down to a sweet little river. Also, much to my delight they built a latrine for me down the hill. I would be the only woman staying out in this jungle, so this private bathroom made me very happy.
On the top of the hill above the cave is simply the most amazing tree underneath which a platform has been built. It is an easy to climb up to a natural perch where you can gaze out onto a beautiful vista covered with the bright yellow flowers of the mustard greens that sprawl over the rolling hills below. Because it is up on a hill you look down on to the tops of other trees and watch the birds dance and fly. I spent many hours nestled in the nurturing arms of this magnificent tree.
We arrived about 3 days before Shivaratri. The first day was your typical bright, warm, sunny India day. The next two brought the rains. On the day we traveled I noticed what seemed to be an insect bite on my leg. When we left the village for the jungle I noticed it looked infected. By the end of the first day in the jungle its size had quadrupled and was quite sore and quite hot with infection. I was not feeling so well either but tried not to give it much energy.
Late that evening a group of men from the village showed up unannounced, and I would guess, intoxicated. Everyone spoke Hindi, so I hardly ever knew what was really going on. We were asleep when they arrived. The men staying out with us tried to stop them from coming to the cave, but they came anyway. They sat right down and seemed to be a little hostile about something. That much I could tell. Shantji dealt with them in a kind but stern way and then they left without much trouble. However, I was quite awake and a little on guard. I never expected a group of intoxicated men in the night in the jungle. I think they had something to with bringing supplies for the bhandara but more so for harassment.
Shantji went to converse with the other men, and I guess I feel asleep only to be awoken by very tall, strange looking man at the end of my bed. Who, upon seeing me, was just as surprised to see me as I was to see him. He muttered, I think, an apology in Hindi and walked on. “How many people wander around this jungle in the middle of night,” thought to myself feeling quite concerned! Okay, now I was bordering being freaked out. I grabbed my flashlight ran down (actually hobbled now because my leg had become so swollen) to where everyone was and very excitedly told them what happened. Then a manhunt ensued. They found my intruder. Apparently, he was a wandering swami who often slept there. He was just as confused about me as I was about him. He was harmless, but adrenaline was still pumping through my veins.
Finally, I fall asleep due to sheer exhaustion only to be awoken again. This time by the strangest sound I’ve ever heard. It was a blood curdling, deep growling howl that sounded about 10 feet away! I sat straight up out of a deep sleep and grabbed my flashlight to shine out onto nothing but fog. An eerie, mystical fog had settled in during my slumber and I could see nothing. I realized I was there by myself in the cave, as I looked over to ask if anyone else had heard that sound. I did not hear it again, but I slept with one eye open most of the night. As I lie there half asleep and half awake I feel the breeze generated from the bats wings as they fly over my head going in and out of the cave through the night. “This was going to be a long couple of weeks,” I thought to myself.
The next morning we awoke to torrential rains, and I to a very swollen and painful leg. The concern started about the bhandara. The road to the jungle was turning into mud and it would be difficult for the vehicles to get down it to deliver the food to be prepared for the feast. Preparations were still being made but there was a concern it would have to be cancelled if the rains did not stop. It rained the entire day; however, celebration for Shiva was well underway. The chilom was passed. The stories were told and the waiting for the rain to stop began. Once again the eerie, mystical fog moved in. The rains were no longer torrential but still steady.
I was feeling worse and worse. My entire lower leg was swollen and was excruciating to the touch. I laid most of the day on my bed with my leg up the brick wall wondering what I was doing out in this jungle with all these crazy Babas, unusual villagers, and not to mention that strange animal that growls and howls in the night. I asked everyone about this animal and no one seemed to have heard it but me. Also no one seemed concerned about it but me, and here it was nightfall again. Again came the bats and the growling, howling beast from the trees, and then something new that scared the heebie jeebies out of me. I awoke in the middle of the night again, to the sense of someone or something’s presence at the end of my bed, and it was the sweet, mangy dog I had befriend earlier by giving him my chapattis. He stood at the end of my bed, ears straight up, eyes wide as if he were asking to spend the night here. I felt comforted by his presence and thanked God for my new watch dog. Surely he would protect me from the howling, growling beast. This night was more peaceful.
The chanting for Shiva started at 5:00am and was to continue for the next 24 hours but in actuality, I think it was more like 36 We would fast and chant, and for those who were inclined, smoke chilom or drink bhang (a drink made of an intoxicating herb). The rain had slowed to a constant drizzle but still present. The drumming and the chanting, “Hara Hara Maha Deva Shiva Shambo Kashi Vishwanatha Gange.” The rain did not dampen the hearts of these shivaites.
The concern grew over the fate of the bhandara. The chanting to Shiva brought his blessings. A group of villagers came to offer their support. As the strength of the devotion brought a power to the group, a declaration was made and the bhandara would happen rain or shine! The food was delivered by ox carts, by motorcycles, by bicycles and even carried on the heads of the villagers themselves. It was decided a huge tent would be put up and under that the food could be cooked in the rain. The hole for the fires was dug. The gigantic pots arrived. Everyone participated. We all took turns chanting. When the chanters got tired, in a natural flow, fresh new chanters would replace the weary ones. Shantji was responsible for the morale of the troupes and kept the energy going strong by singing, dancing and charming everyone. I don’t think he slept more than a couple of hours for a couple of days.
I’ve never seen so many tomatoes, so many potatoes and heads of cauliflower, so many people coming together, working so hard, enjoying it so much and serving God so sweetly. About 50 or so women and children came to make the thousands of chapattis. There were choppers and stirrers and the best cooks of the village. The people of this village are uncomplicated, innocent people and delightful to be with. The sight of this production is one that will be one the loveliest of my memories. I was deeply touched by their sweetness and ignited with their compassion.
Shantji had appointed me official videographer for the event, so I hobbled about the day recording as much of this event as I could. I needed to get off my leg. I had been asking Raju for a couple of days for some antiseptic and a hypodermic needle. I felt that if I could drain the nasty boil on my leg that it would release the pressure and would not be so painful. He finally, reluctantly brought it for me. He and several others advised against my popping of the thing. I, however, thought I knew better. It’s still debatable whether that was the right decision or not. I am still alive and still have a leg.
It was late in the day, and I found a quiet spot alone and did the deed. It pulsed and throbbed from pain after I did so. I felt weak and sick. I laid down and dosed in an out. The eerie, mystical fog came, the bats flew in and out, the howling, growling jackals came (I learned that this sound was from a jackal and that they are dog-like creatures afraid of everything) and once again my dog scared the heebie jeebies out of me and then took his position at the foot of my bed. The drums pounded. The chanters roared. The rain poured.
I was delirious from fever. My entire body was on fire. I broke out in red-hot hives. My throat started to close up. I know enough to know that I was having an allergic reaction and that when your throat starts to close off you’re in trouble. I seriously thought I might die. I woke up Shantji to tell him that I thought I was going to die. He stated the obvious, that there was nothing really we could do. It was 3:00am. We were in the jungle, and because of the rains no vehicles could get in or out. He told me, “All we can do is pray. It’s all God’s up to God’s will.” However, truthful this was, to someone thinking they might die, it’s not that comforting. I think I commented something like, “Well, start praying hard, will you? I had never been more miserable. My fever was high, and I started to hallucinate. Interesting thing though, I could feel the pain, the fever and even the fear. I knew I was hallucinating but still having a very vivid hallucination anyway. I had a very strong and clear awareness of the Witness even through my delirium. Even though I knew this experience was being had, I knew I was not this experience. I was only witnessing it occur.
In my hallucination, or perhaps mystical experience, Shiva appeared to me through the mist, resting in the tree about 20 feet away. I felt as if I was receiving some sort of initiation from Shiva himself. I asked him, “Do you want a piece of me?” Go ahead take it, I surrender.” He never spoke to me in this vision, but seemed to transmit some energy to me. Like I said, “I know I was hallucinating.” Whatever was happening, it was powerful. I dosed off finally and when I awoke, my fever had broke. The hives had cooled off. Shantji’s praying? Shiva’s blessing? God’s will? I was still alive.
The rain stopped, and I watched a beautiful sunrise over the river from my bed. The bhandara would happen! Everyone was blissfully preparing for the feast. I was weak, but much better. I may have been in the jungle, but I was treated like a queen. I had my own personal bathroom. There was a latrine, a brick floor with bamboo poles covered by plastic tarps. Not fancy, but was quite luxurious for the jungle. Whenever I asked, one of the men who so sweetly took care of me, would heat up two buckets of water over the fire and carry them down the hill to my bathroom. It was the first time in days that the sun warmed up my bathroom. I was grateful to be alive, feeling the warmth of the sun as I poured the hot water over my very weak body.
There is so much that went on this feast day. It’s hard to know where to start… so many stories within stories. No one knew who would come, because it was so iffy due to the rains. They hoped for 3,000 but planned for more and feared there might be less. More there was. They came in droves. I’m not sure how they counted, or who actually did the counting, but they say 6,000 came. I would believe it, give or take a 1,000.
It was a gloriously festive day. Shantji was the happiest I think I ever saw him. This was his party, and he was the host of hosts. Everyone ate, sang and danced. I think what made him so happy was not just that people were fed and had a good time celebrating God, but that the event brought everyone together for the common good of the whole… and it happened in the grandest of ways without struggle or fight… just pulling together. He saw thousands of old friends and made thousands of new ones.
Late that afternoon a group of Swamis that were fabulous musicians just showed up. They rocked the jungle with the most fabulous kirtan for a couple of hours. As the sun set, the music stopped, the chanting stopped and the musicians sat down and were served by Shantji and Raju. It was such a beautiful sight to see the gratitude, the reverence and the love on the faces of Shantji and Raju as they stood watching these holy men eat this holy food on this holy day. After the musicians ate, the last to be fed, I watched Shantji and Raju eat the first food they had eaten, breaking the fast. In India the hosts don’t eat until everyone has been fed. Never have I enjoyed watching someone eat as I did that day. I too felt the reverence, symbolism, the love. It was blessed food for blessed souls.
The warm colors of the sun were disappearing behind the hills. I stood slightly above the crowd on the wall at a distance taking in the entire scene as people said their goodbyes and the crowd thinned down to a small group. I see a group of motorcycles driving up the path. One Swami with 5 men wearing navy blue blazers, white pants and white turbans with riffles slung across their shoulders seemed to ride in with the sunset. The Swami wore an orange robe, a leather jacket, dark glasses and was quite good looking. I thought to myself this day was certainly not over, and I would be right.
Swami Swatantranand had arrived and that’s a whole other story…as well as many others from this day and this jungle. I’m surprised I got out of there in one piece. I fell in a 6 foot kiva. There were flat tires and scooter accidents, and that whole almost being kidnapped story. Oh yeah, and the bite was a brown recluse spider whose venom ate the flesh on my leg and took 6 weeks to heal. You know what? I’d go back in heartbeat, though. India is another planet entirely, and one I hope to return to many times.
Om Namah Shivaya!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Guanas Going Around & Around
I've observed this cycle passes through. I've been watching it for quite some time. I don't know if its changed any or if I'm just seeing it more clearly. Sometimes it moves through painfully slow, and sometimes it moves through intensely fast. This is what happens. Something triggers my emotional body in a negative way. I'm a very sensitive person, mind you. Depending on how loaded this trigger is, depends on how intense my reaction is.
I'm going to describe the scenario when its a loaded trigger. I get my feelings hurt. Then I am mad at the person or thing that upset me. I then feel disgusted with myself for letting things get to me, which can turn (in a really bad case of it) into self-loafing. Self-loafing creates sadness. My sadness turns into depression, and sometimes it gets very dark in my little world. This is a little know fact about me, because I keep it to myself to protect my own image. I imagine that more people know this about me than I care to admit, but I guess the cat's out of the bag now anyhow.
This depression reeks all kinds of havoc in my system, and even goes to the point of manifesting physically in my body. I'll experience really low energy which makes me not want to do the things that always make me feel good. Then this creates a downward spiral that perpetuates more misery both physically and mentally. Then something happens. Even through this storm of emotions that blows through, I am usually able to keep a routine of meditation and yoga. Sometimes it will slide but not for long if it does.
It's just conditioning. I have practiced for so long that my system is wired to do so. I'm not special, but I am disciplined. This yogic conditioning will pull me out of my bed kicking and screaming the entire way and sit me down to meditate. I may be restless the entire time, but I will still do it. I live alone. There is no one here to impress. No one will Know, except me, if I do it or not. My meditation, regardless of how hopeless it was, will ignite something else. I will hear my teacher's voice in my head, "Always do your Yoga even if you can only do 10 minutes." Then down on the mat I go. Sometimes I can only do 10 minutes, and sometimes 10 minutes turns into 2 hours. Regardless of the time spent it changes my energy in a dramatic way.
I may or may not go back into my depression, but something will shift; however, slowly my energy shifts. For me, in this cycle, the physical energy shift starts to lift the depression. I am embarrassed to admit, but as the fog of depression begins to lift, I get angry. It is no longer self-loafing. I want to blame somebody else, something else, anything else. I even get mad at God for my predicament. Crazy, I know, but this anger lights a fire in me. This fire in me sees something beyond the cycle of these Guanas (the forces of nature) that come and go, around and around. I feel sometimes as if the Guanas bat me around like a ping-pong ball, and then comes, what I call, the " fedupness."
I become utterly fed-up with everything. Fed-up with the illusion. I know I am watching this. I've seen it before, and know I will see again. I can see the helplessness of my own conditioning. I am fed-up that with all I know I am so deeply affected by the goings on of the forces of nature, of which I have no control. How absurd it all is!
You know what? Then clarity dawns like a brand new day, right smack dab in the middle of all my self-absorbed crap. Imagine that. I then become profoundly clear. My teacher, knowing my cycle and me all to well, will ask me, "What happened? How did you gain this clarity?" All that I can do is explain the cycle, because I don't know for sure. It seems for me, that everything has to come to some big ugly head and then it disappears as soon as I see it for what it is. The storm brews out in the ocean gaining its strength, hits land, moves on or fizzles out entirely. When its all over and the calm returns, its just like I burped or farted. I apologize for my rantings and happily go on about life.
I don't seem to have any control over the storm. What seems to be changing slowly is my conditioning. My wiring seems to have changed through all this yoga, meditation and practice of truthfulness. My system is being rewired to handle the patterns of energy that pass through. When Shantji says, "You have to be a truthful doer first before you can have any real understanding of Non-doing,"... This is what he means. You can't gloss over it. You have to plow straight through it to get to the other side. Understanding must come before realization dawns.
Why am I exposing myself in this way when I'd prefer projecting the image of being a very together, peaceful, conscious yoga teacher and healer? Because I don't want to be bound by the facade any longer. Its what keeps me from the connection, from the richness, the fullness, and most importantly the freedom I so desire.... Also because Shantji suggested I do so. I don't always understand him or his ways, but I trust him implicitly. I think it is important that if you are to call someone your teacher, your Guruji that you should take their advice when given or perhaps choose not to have a teacher or to find another one.
. Please don't come to me with your helpful advice. I would just like to know if I'm the only one having this experience. I don't want to be fixed. I don't even believe I can be fixed. I think my only hope is to transcend all this cycling business. I think I'm on the right path, because I've become truthful enough to look at it all square in the eye and ask, "Do you want a piece of me? Go ahead take all you want. I am not this. I AM THAT."
I'm going to describe the scenario when its a loaded trigger. I get my feelings hurt. Then I am mad at the person or thing that upset me. I then feel disgusted with myself for letting things get to me, which can turn (in a really bad case of it) into self-loafing. Self-loafing creates sadness. My sadness turns into depression, and sometimes it gets very dark in my little world. This is a little know fact about me, because I keep it to myself to protect my own image. I imagine that more people know this about me than I care to admit, but I guess the cat's out of the bag now anyhow.
This depression reeks all kinds of havoc in my system, and even goes to the point of manifesting physically in my body. I'll experience really low energy which makes me not want to do the things that always make me feel good. Then this creates a downward spiral that perpetuates more misery both physically and mentally. Then something happens. Even through this storm of emotions that blows through, I am usually able to keep a routine of meditation and yoga. Sometimes it will slide but not for long if it does.
It's just conditioning. I have practiced for so long that my system is wired to do so. I'm not special, but I am disciplined. This yogic conditioning will pull me out of my bed kicking and screaming the entire way and sit me down to meditate. I may be restless the entire time, but I will still do it. I live alone. There is no one here to impress. No one will Know, except me, if I do it or not. My meditation, regardless of how hopeless it was, will ignite something else. I will hear my teacher's voice in my head, "Always do your Yoga even if you can only do 10 minutes." Then down on the mat I go. Sometimes I can only do 10 minutes, and sometimes 10 minutes turns into 2 hours. Regardless of the time spent it changes my energy in a dramatic way.
I may or may not go back into my depression, but something will shift; however, slowly my energy shifts. For me, in this cycle, the physical energy shift starts to lift the depression. I am embarrassed to admit, but as the fog of depression begins to lift, I get angry. It is no longer self-loafing. I want to blame somebody else, something else, anything else. I even get mad at God for my predicament. Crazy, I know, but this anger lights a fire in me. This fire in me sees something beyond the cycle of these Guanas (the forces of nature) that come and go, around and around. I feel sometimes as if the Guanas bat me around like a ping-pong ball, and then comes, what I call, the " fedupness."
I become utterly fed-up with everything. Fed-up with the illusion. I know I am watching this. I've seen it before, and know I will see again. I can see the helplessness of my own conditioning. I am fed-up that with all I know I am so deeply affected by the goings on of the forces of nature, of which I have no control. How absurd it all is!
You know what? Then clarity dawns like a brand new day, right smack dab in the middle of all my self-absorbed crap. Imagine that. I then become profoundly clear. My teacher, knowing my cycle and me all to well, will ask me, "What happened? How did you gain this clarity?" All that I can do is explain the cycle, because I don't know for sure. It seems for me, that everything has to come to some big ugly head and then it disappears as soon as I see it for what it is. The storm brews out in the ocean gaining its strength, hits land, moves on or fizzles out entirely. When its all over and the calm returns, its just like I burped or farted. I apologize for my rantings and happily go on about life.
I don't seem to have any control over the storm. What seems to be changing slowly is my conditioning. My wiring seems to have changed through all this yoga, meditation and practice of truthfulness. My system is being rewired to handle the patterns of energy that pass through. When Shantji says, "You have to be a truthful doer first before you can have any real understanding of Non-doing,"... This is what he means. You can't gloss over it. You have to plow straight through it to get to the other side. Understanding must come before realization dawns.
Why am I exposing myself in this way when I'd prefer projecting the image of being a very together, peaceful, conscious yoga teacher and healer? Because I don't want to be bound by the facade any longer. Its what keeps me from the connection, from the richness, the fullness, and most importantly the freedom I so desire.... Also because Shantji suggested I do so. I don't always understand him or his ways, but I trust him implicitly. I think it is important that if you are to call someone your teacher, your Guruji that you should take their advice when given or perhaps choose not to have a teacher or to find another one.
. Please don't come to me with your helpful advice. I would just like to know if I'm the only one having this experience. I don't want to be fixed. I don't even believe I can be fixed. I think my only hope is to transcend all this cycling business. I think I'm on the right path, because I've become truthful enough to look at it all square in the eye and ask, "Do you want a piece of me? Go ahead take all you want. I am not this. I AM THAT."
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