“If you have yet to be called an incorrigable, defiant woman,
don’t worry, there is still time.” ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés
I have learned that there is no payoff in getting twisted up about what people believe, how they spend their time or the thoughts they entertain. Self-righteousness is a real turn off for me and is the reason I ascribe to no particular religion. While the roots of most organized religions are based on Absolute Truth, I find any organized religion to have branches of dogma, hypocrisy and "absolutes" (subjective truth defined by the followers of God, not God). I see tremendous value in those of like mind gathering together for worship, but can see only negativity come when those gathering of like mind believe that those who do not believe the way they do are wrong. It doesn't matter who you are or what you believe... If in order to validate your beliefs, you make others wrong for theirs; you are not convinced of what you believe. I am convinced of that. And it doesn't matter what religion or non-religion, whether it's a group of Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Jews, New Agers or Atheists, it seems when they gather together they tend to judge the others. Whether it's a condescending, "I will pray their your sinful ways"... or just a superior attitude that we are chosen or more intelligent or more enlightened, it's just judgement based on our fears and our need to be better or right to feed our own ego. God has no ego that needs stroking... So above all, don't do it in the name of God. It has nothing to do with our relationship to God. It's none of our business how someone else worships God.
I often tend to live in my own little world and have been that way since I was a child. Most would say I have always danced to beat of a different drummer. Maybe because I was the youngest in my family, because I was the only girl, because I was the smallest, the weakest and the softest voice... instead of speaking out, creating a ruckus or taking a stand, I would just watch. So many things I was unable to control because of my position in the herd, I learned to accept what I couldn't change. But because I was always a deep thinker and became very good at observing, I learned about people, about their behaviors, about their strengths and their weaknesses. Since I already accepted that I couldn't control others, I learned to care more about my behaviors, my thoughts, my beliefs and leave others to their own. I like my own little world but I realize it's just that, my own little world.
Perhaps because that little girl with the soft voice didn't speak out much about what she observed but rather ate it up as food for thought, she became a deep thinker. All that deep thinking resulted in a better understanding of who she was and she developed her own relationship with the world and with God not based on what other people believed.... but based on what she believed. Not one to blindly believe in anything, I have always tested the waters, lived on the edge a bit to see where it would take me and I have learned that beliefs cannot be counted upon. My beliefs change. I try not to hold too tightly to them, as I realize I am often wrong about things. Beliefs are meant to be tested. If a belief stands up to the test, it becomes a conviction. Convictions don't need to be held onto, however, they never leave us. A conviction makes a permanent imprint on our consciousness. A conviction needs no validation.
I am no longer the youngest, the smallest or the weakest. I am a strong, confident, incorrigible, defiant woman overflowing with self-expression. I am often wrong, but I am often right. I expect the space to do and think as I please, and will act exactly as I have that right. Although I cannot honestly say I don't care what other people think of me (although I wish I could be free of that), I can honestly say I don't care what you believe. Believe what you believe, but try to understand what you believe and sort it out for yourself. Be willing to drop beliefs that are not yours, that don't make common sense or that hurt other people. Stay open and when your belief transcends into a conviction, stand in your own space and revel in it. Shout it from the mountain top if it feels good to you but if you are expecting validation from others, you will be sadly disappointed. There is only one Absolute Truth and it's the only thing you need to be convinced of. Know That and you know all you need to know. Everything else is subjective. Enjoy the ride. It's wild and wonderful journey.
