Little known fact about Solitude,
she’s a philosopher. She wears a long flowing gown so when the breeze catches
it, she feels the presence of another even when no one is there. Insight is her
lover, and she has grown comfortable with his comings and goings. She's not
usually on the quest list and does not entertain, but occasionally she requests
the company of Courage. Getting to know her is difficult but worth the effort. Solitude can lead you to Stillness, and they can
show you a whole new world you never knew existed.
I stepped out of my pajamas this morning and they lay in an inside out clump on the floor right in front of the bathroom door where I took them off. I thought about picking them up, but I am getting too much pleasure from the fact that I can leave them there as long as I want to without feeling self-conscious. I returned from work this afternoon and plopped myself down in a my chair, which just happens to be the only piece of furniture in my new living room. It is so cozy, that aside from getting up to make myself a smoothie for dinner, I haven't left it. There are probably only about 5 items in my refrigerator and a dozen in my pantry, all of which are fresh and new and not there to please anyone but me. My stereo is playing the music I like at the volume I enjoy, and that is the only sound I hear. I am happy to report I cannot hear the sound of a TV and there is not one in sight. I moved in yesterday, and the sublime reality of having my own place again has finally hit me.
It has a been almost a year of traveling for me, living here and there, packing and unpacking my suitcase. I have slept in so many different places, that often when I wake up it takes me a few minutes to figure out where I am. The only other piece of furniture in my apartment is a bed. I must have great
"bed karma," because I am forever moving and having to leave the most
comfortable bed behind and then coming across another fabulous bed. They
are usually given to me or I pay very little for them. I was delighted
to discover once again I have the best bed ever. Perhaps I just have
really great friends? I love to sleep, and I do it very well. About a month or so ago, I started to wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to sleep. Solitude seems to suit me, as the only time I can remember being conscious during last night's sleep was to revel for a moment in how blissfully I was sleeping and feeling gratitude for another awesome bed.
To the best of my memory, since 1981, I have had 24 different homes. That's not counting when I've stayed with someone else for a length of time. I have actually had that many residences. Since I left my family's home when I was 18, I have never lived with more than one other person, and 40% of my adult life I have spent living alone. Self-containment is an important life skill. Living alone teaches us that.
The need to have someone or something to fill the void keeps us distracted from being with ourselves. Until we learn to sit with our self, to sit with our loneliness, our emptiness, our discomforts and our fears, we can never know the fullness of connection beyond our pleasures and pains. Just as everything in the entire Universe expands and contracts, so does our consciousness. Going within takes whatever time it takes. We cannot schedule it in our appointment book. We cannot "work" it into our life. Going within takes over our life. Sometimes it takes us around the world, and sometimes it drops us off in the cave. Resistance to either only brings suffering.
Finding myself, happily back in the cave recharging for my next adventure. Curious to know what will come out of this. Unpacked a few brushes and a canvas this afternoon, and I seem to have fallen in love with the color blue. Hmmmm....
