Yesterday I faced a fear. We all know that fears are, for the most part, irrational; however, that doesn't seem to help us much when they show up. Phobias are just plain crazy. I am not sure my fear of heights is quite at the phobia level, but I am certainly aware of it's irrationality. Even though challenging my fears makes me uncomfortable, to say the least, I do so periodically just to check in. I can accept that I have fears, but I cannot accept them controlling my existence. It's just my way of sticking it to the fear monster.
I have been wandering around the planet since last November. I arrived back in the US beginning of June. I am traveling here and there with a car packed to the hilt with whatever belongings I can carry, visiting friends, family and old haunts, working some and playing a lot. Mostly, I am happy with my present gypsy life but sometimes I start to wonder, "Am I just wandering aimlessly or is there a point to this?" One of my old haunts is Greenville, South Carolina. I lived here for about a year. I spent most of my time here alone in the woods across the street from my little cottage, hiking the 18 miles of trails weaving around this mountain. It was a time of introspection and getting to know myself again after a few years of chaos and transformation. I arrived here the day before yesterday and was chomping at the bit waiting for sun to rise and the rains to clear so that I could visit my old friend, curious to measure my growth over the last 10 months with this wise and stable yardstick.
These woods became my best friend during my time in Greenville. They always accepted me no matter what my mood and never demanding anything of me. The woods always offered me the keys to it's kingdom with daily gifts of sweet, earthy aromas, babbling creeks, grounding rocks and awe inspiring beauty. They also challenged me to become stronger physically and mentally. It's a long steep hike up this mountain, and I hiked mostly alone, preferring the solitude of Nature over company. I often wonder what I would do if I encountered a bear. Although the thought was somewhat scary, I also found it a little exciting. I am not afraid of bears. I am not afraid of getting lost. I am not afraid of being alone. I am afraid of heights.
About half way up my trail to the Magic Pitt is a damn with a towering waterfall cascading over it. I stopped at the falls for a bit to receive their blessings and breathe in their beauty. As my gaze found their top, I was reminded of the edge of the damn. I knew in that moment, I would have to walk the "plank," just to check in with my fear. I climbed up to the top of the damn, took a deep breath and walked very slowly and very cautiously to the very edge of the slippery, wet stone. On one side is a lake so calm it looks like glass. On the other side, that still water turns into raging rapids as it rushes over the top of the damn. As I reach the edge, I find a dragonfly waiting there for me. I am a firm believer in animal medicine and animal totems, so her presence was not taken lightly.
Unfortunately, my fear of heights is still quite present. I do not fear being in the air. I am not afraid of flying either on a plane or a parasail. I am afraid of the edge, and more specifically falling over the edge. Investigating this fear, I realized that I am concerned that something unknown will push me over the edge more so than actually falling off on my own accord. However, sometimes I feel as if the wind could just blow me off. Even when it's not windy I have this sense. I often feel as if someone or something is behind me. I asked myself, "Is this how I live my life? Do I fear that there is someone or something behind me lurking just waiting to push me off the edge?"
Represented by the iridescence of their wings, Dragonfly medicine shines the light on our self created illusions. If you were to ask what is my greatest fear, I would not say heights. I would say that my most disturbing fear, although not a constant, but an uncomfortably familiar one, is that I am imagining what I think to be real. That what I think is real is merely my imagination, which would make my existence a cosmic joke. Being afraid of heights seems a silly and irrational fear. Being a cosmic joke; however, seems a realistic one.
My "boogie man" lurking behind me is that the illusion of my image can be shattered by the will of something more powerful than me. I fear that all my efforts, all my time, energy and money to create this image could be destroyed by a gust of wind. As I face my boogie man head on, I realize I am a cosmic joke and bring God great joy and laughter. What higher purpose can I imagine? It is in the shattering of our illusions that we discover our wings. Go ahead and walk the plank,and if you go over the edge, be grateful that you are no longer bound by your illusions. Shake hands with your boogie man. "Better to have your enemies inside the tent pissing out, than outside pissing in." By facing our fears we gain strength. By understanding our fears, we gain Wisdom. Wherever life takes us, the point is to realize and be free.
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