Restlessness

Restlessness has been hanging around my back door lately. When she is content, she just lies in the backyard looking up at the sky. She dreams in the daytime and counts the stars at night. Ever hungry for attention, and in ever need of a thrill, she and Passion are soul-mates. Mostly, I enjoy her company; however, she does tend to stir the pot.  She reminds me not to spend too much time with Complacency, such a dreadful old bore. Unfortunately, she can relentlessly argue with Order and Discipline.

While I was in the mist of a few big projects a couple of weeks ago, apparently Restlessness had felt ignored. It's true I hadn't been thinking of her much recently. Scared the heebeejeebees out of me, she about did! Around midnight one night, she poked her head around the corner while I was intensely focused, writing at the computer. In that sort of raspy, enchanting voice of hers, with a slight inflection of teasing, she asked, "Watcha doin'? Haven't seen much of you lately. Where ya been?" Knowing that she was not one to be  ignored, I shut down the computer, poured us a glass a wine and went outside with her to count the stars. We reminisced about our travels, trials and tribulations. We laughed those big belly laughs about all the trouble we've gotten into and all the trouble we've caused. She poked fun at Order and Discipline, and as usual, I defended them. I told her without them we simply could not survive and requested her to find some way to get along with them. She said, "Perhaps I could learn to get along with them if they stopped hanging out with Practically all the time, as we have not one thing in common."

I don't argue with Restlessness. I just let her be. I have discovered that arguing with her or trying to squelch her enthusiasm only makes her more determined. Besides, I like her fire, and the company she keeps. Passion is quite a charming fellow. Inquisitive by nature, she goes through my journals and my photographs. She reads my emails, interprets my doodlings and shreds my to-do-lists.  I keep finding notes, quotes and images about exotic places and mystical peoples falling out of a book, flashing on the computer screen or imprinted on the inside of my eyelids.  It seems Restlessness and I have some unfinished business to attend. 

At the end of another busy week, she reminds me how I despise busy-ness.  A true temptress, she is... I heard her knocking at the door a long time before I opened it, knowing the swirling currents of change that travel with her. But old friends are old friends... The door is always open. She arrives dressed in leather in lace. In one hand she holds a tube of pink hair dye with a sexy pair ankle strap wedges dangling from two fingers and in the other gripping my favorite bottle of red wine. With an impish grin, she asks, "Wanna take a walk on the wild side or are you too busy tonight." I ask her, "Are you not happy?" She replies, "I am quite happy. I am not concerned about my happiness, but yours. You will not be happy if I get lost in your to-do-list. You will not be happy without me. I am you." In that moment I remembered how much I loved her, put a streak of pink in my hair, laced up those ankle straps and uncorked the wine!

What we resist persists. What we embrace, embraces us.  Integration is the key to becoming whole. To be whole, we must love our self. To love our self, we must understand our self.  To understand our self, we must simply not hide from our our self. Wherever you are, whoever you are,  just be yourself... and be the soul of that place.