I've observed this cycle passes through. I've been watching it for quite some time. I don't know if its changed any or if I'm just seeing it more clearly. Sometimes it moves through painfully slow, and sometimes it moves through intensely fast. This is what happens. Something triggers my emotional body in a negative way. I'm a very sensitive person, mind you. Depending on how loaded this trigger is, depends on how intense my reaction is.
I'm going to describe the scenario when its a loaded trigger. I get my feelings hurt. Then I am mad at the person or thing that upset me. I then feel disgusted with myself for letting things get to me, which can turn (in a really bad case of it) into self-loafing. Self-loafing creates sadness. My sadness turns into depression, and sometimes it gets very dark in my little world. This is a little know fact about me, because I keep it to myself to protect my own image. I imagine that more people know this about me than I care to admit, but I guess the cat's out of the bag now anyhow.
This depression reeks all kinds of havoc in my system, and even goes to the point of manifesting physically in my body. I'll experience really low energy which makes me not want to do the things that always make me feel good. Then this creates a downward spiral that perpetuates more misery both physically and mentally. Then something happens. Even through this storm of emotions that blows through, I am usually able to keep a routine of meditation and yoga. Sometimes it will slide but not for long if it does.
It's just conditioning. I have practiced for so long that my system is wired to do so. I'm not special, but I am disciplined. This yogic conditioning will pull me out of my bed kicking and screaming the entire way and sit me down to meditate. I may be restless the entire time, but I will still do it. I live alone. There is no one here to impress. No one will Know, except me, if I do it or not. My meditation, regardless of how hopeless it was, will ignite something else. I will hear my teacher's voice in my head, "Always do your Yoga even if you can only do 10 minutes." Then down on the mat I go. Sometimes I can only do 10 minutes, and sometimes 10 minutes turns into 2 hours. Regardless of the time spent it changes my energy in a dramatic way.
I may or may not go back into my depression, but something will shift; however, slowly my energy shifts. For me, in this cycle, the physical energy shift starts to lift the depression. I am embarrassed to admit, but as the fog of depression begins to lift, I get angry. It is no longer self-loafing. I want to blame somebody else, something else, anything else. I even get mad at God for my predicament. Crazy, I know, but this anger lights a fire in me. This fire in me sees something beyond the cycle of these Guanas (the forces of nature) that come and go, around and around. I feel sometimes as if the Guanas bat me around like a ping-pong ball, and then comes, what I call, the " fedupness."
I become utterly fed-up with everything. Fed-up with the illusion. I know I am watching this. I've seen it before, and know I will see again. I can see the helplessness of my own conditioning. I am fed-up that with all I know I am so deeply affected by the goings on of the forces of nature, of which I have no control. How absurd it all is!
You know what? Then clarity dawns like a brand new day, right smack dab in the middle of all my self-absorbed crap. Imagine that. I then become profoundly clear. My teacher, knowing my cycle and me all to well, will ask me, "What happened? How did you gain this clarity?" All that I can do is explain the cycle, because I don't know for sure. It seems for me, that everything has to come to some big ugly head and then it disappears as soon as I see it for what it is. The storm brews out in the ocean gaining its strength, hits land, moves on or fizzles out entirely. When its all over and the calm returns, its just like I burped or farted. I apologize for my rantings and happily go on about life.
I don't seem to have any control over the storm. What seems to be changing slowly is my conditioning. My wiring seems to have changed through all this yoga, meditation and practice of truthfulness. My system is being rewired to handle the patterns of energy that pass through. When Shantji says, "You have to be a truthful doer first before you can have any real understanding of Non-doing,"... This is what he means. You can't gloss over it. You have to plow straight through it to get to the other side. Understanding must come before realization dawns.
Why am I exposing myself in this way when I'd prefer projecting the image of being a very together, peaceful, conscious yoga teacher and healer? Because I don't want to be bound by the facade any longer. Its what keeps me from the connection, from the richness, the fullness, and most importantly the freedom I so desire.... Also because Shantji suggested I do so. I don't always understand him or his ways, but I trust him implicitly. I think it is important that if you are to call someone your teacher, your Guruji that you should take their advice when given or perhaps choose not to have a teacher or to find another one.
. Please don't come to me with your helpful advice. I would just like to know if I'm the only one having this experience. I don't want to be fixed. I don't even believe I can be fixed. I think my only hope is to transcend all this cycling business. I think I'm on the right path, because I've become truthful enough to look at it all square in the eye and ask, "Do you want a piece of me? Go ahead take all you want. I am not this. I AM THAT."
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