Right Here, Right Now... In Wonderland

“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?” said Alice

Please forgive me “Oh Great Goddess of Bloggers” for I have sinned. It has been 4 months since I started my blog. I blogged once with quite the promise to continue and have never returned to my site. So much happens so quickly here in Wonderland that it’s difficult to pinpoint where to start. In honor of the motto that constantly runs through my head these days suggests, “right here, right now,”… so, I shall start right here, right now.

I fell down the rabbit hole about 3 years ago and things have never been the same, because everything that was is not. Everything that is seems it is not. Yes, I am relating my spiritual journey to that of Alice in Wonderland, because often it seems the most relevant to my experience. I often try to explain this to my Teacher, who growing up in India, has no reference point for my comparisons. I even checked the book out of library for him to read; however, I still don’t think he gets it. I hope you will understand that to a bellydancing, yogini from Florida finding herself living in an ashram in “Podunk,” Pennsylvania searching for enlightenment might as well be Wonderland.

Right here, right now I am alone, except for my little dog, a tough cat, an old horse, a pushy cow and a crazy chicken, in the middle of nowhere out of 40 acres. This is by choice, and I am grateful for this space and time I have been provided. I am on silent retreat. I am not interacting with any humans. I am not answering the phone, checking email or even goofing off on Facebook. I don’t watch TV anyway, and I am not checking news on the internet. The world could catch on fire, and I would not know until I saw it aflame in the pasture. I am being sustained by prana, mediation, yoga, writing, dancing and juicing.

Why, one might ask? I am doing this because after all my efforts to become enlightened, my years of mediation, yoga, spiritual practice and study I find myself lost, fidgety, restless and unable to simple just be with myself. Why, is what I ask myself? For years I thought if I only had the time and space free of the distractions of worldly existence I would be more spiritual, more compassionate, more aware. If only I had nothing to do I would just simply be able to be. When there is nothing you have to do, you have to be with yourself… really be with yourself. There is no job, no family and no worldly existence to distract you. You have no excuses. If you are not used to this, and most of us are not, there is a void. We immediately want to fill this emptiness. and we follow one distraction after the other so we feel “normal.” For most of us being distracted is our “normal” state of being, not being. I am tired of being distracted and desire, with the deepest sincerity, to know what’s on the other side of the rabbit hole.

Everyone talks about how they are “working” on just staying in the moment… being present… taking their life one moment at a time. My question is how do we expect to live our lives “in the moment” if we can’t even sit in meditation 15 minutes being present in the moment? The answer that has come most clearly and loudly to me is to stop working on it, just do it… right here, right now. If my life does not provide the space and time to be, then there is something sorely wrong. There is no technique you need to learn first, no posture to master first, no book you must read first, there is no protocol. We don’t need to surrender to anything, subscribe to anything or even believe in anything. Suzuki Roshi wrote, “We don’t need to learn to let go. We just need to recognize what is already gone.” As Shantji constantly reminds me, “There is nothing to do. It has already been done.”

What I find over and over again is that when I am unable to just be with myself there is somewhere I have fooled myself… some lie I am covering up. If I were to look deeper, I would find it. Instead, I get distracted with needs, responsibilities and obligations so I can continue my “normal” existence… never slipping down in that rabbit hole, as it would require too much introspection to understand that there may simply be another way of being. The lie is we are afraid that our world is not what we thought it was, and we want to protect the house of cards we live in. We’ve been lying to ourselves for so long we’ve forgotten who we really are. We’ve all been living in Alice’s “world of nonsense,” and we are terrified that the rabbit hole may just lead us to ourSELF. What would we do then? There would be nothing to learn, to fix, to figure out, or even to do. What would we do with all that time and space? I have discovered that the only thing scary about the rabbit hole is my perception that it is real, and on the other side of hell lays paradise.

"Who are YOU?" said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."