My Muse

I am hoping that before I die I will come to understand time but doubt, in a very large way, I ever will. It's not the ticking away of the hours in a day that I care about understanding. That just seems like math. What I want to understand is what happens to all those experiences, all those feelings and all those thoughts that once held such importance, created such turmoil, such heartache, such joy. Where do they go when I am no longer experiencing them, feeling them or thinking about them? Is there somewhere in which they are held, or do they just disappear entirely? Do I change, or I am I just experiencing, feeling and thinking differently?

I sit here in my comfy chair on this sublimely sweet and peaceful Sunday morning listening to the birds chirping, enjoying the soft, morning light gently move through my house with the desire to write. Hallelujah!  That muse has visited me so very infrequently over the last 6 months. Yes, 6 months! Just as I recommitted myself to finishing my book, she left.  My writing (what little of it there has been) has been forced or strained for the most part. What wasn't forced out of me seemed to be vomited out of me, neither of which was enjoyable to write or to read. And so... just like that... she floats in this morning, without explanation, invitation or even warning.

A muse lives in their own world on their own time, or perhaps with no understanding or concern of time at all. Without her I seem to be lost. My words are illusive. My thoughts don't connect. My heart hides it's feelings. This beautiful September morning calls me outside. My dog paces in anticipation of a walk. My to do list is writing itself in my head. But my muse has arrived in all her glory and is holding me hostage. She has something to say finally, and I am most curious to know. Here I will sit, fingers on the keyboard, as the words flow until she is done.

My last blog was March 13. Has it really been 6 months?  Why did she go away for so long? Her answer to me is that she never left. She knows no difference in time and space. She's always here and always there. That impish creature can never be pinned down! Her answers are riddles, and her commitments vague and abstract.  She tells me it is me that goes away and that I can go away for very, very long times, because I tend to get lost. I get lost in my experiences, my feelings and my thoughts. I get lost in time, because I think it matters. And the only thing that truly matters is right here, right now. How I am living right here and right now determines how I will be living in 1 hour, 1week and 1 year. All my plans, all my goals, all my wants and all my needs for the future mean nothing, if I cannot just show up right here, right now.  If I could just get that, really get that for once and for all... I would never get lost again.

I could write about my experiences, my feelings and my thoughts over the last six months. I could tell you where I have been, and what I have been doing. I could tell you of my heartache, my confusion, my clarity and everything else in between, but I realize in this moment... It is not happening.  The past is a story I write down in my psyche. The experiences, the feelings and the thoughts about it disappear wherever it is that takes time away. What I am left with is the imprint of the story I wrote down that leaves a permanent groove somewhere in my memory. What I have learned is that the stories we write effect the way we experience the future. It is tremendously important that we get our facts straight.

I am reminded of a book I just recently re-read, Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements. Before we write those stories that become embedded in our psyche grooves I think we should apply the first Two Agreements:  1.  Be Impeccable with Your Word;  2.  Don't Take Anything Personally.  I realize I have some work to do on the stories I have written, because I have big plans for myself. I am cleaning house so to speak. There's some dust in the corners that has been there far too long. Now that I have found my muse again, I think I will have a lot to say. Stay tuned, or perhaps just stay tuned in. What I thought she would have me write about this morning didn't not come. I am curious to see when it does. Now, apparently, is not the time,  but I am compelled to let you in on something I have been experimenting with... Making Sober Sexy.  But not right here, right now...

Be Brave. Be Truthful. Shine On.