The Blame Game

After a restless night of sleep because of some mellow-drama I allowed myself to get involved in, I was feeling hurt, misunderstood and sad. Thank God for the order of discipline that somehow seems to stick with me, for without it I might have wallowed around in self pity all day. I got up and began my morning ritual of lighting a candle for God, chanting, pranayama and meditation while tears came and went.  I was mostly upset with myself for going "down in the mud" with someone yesterday, as I have made a strong intention to just move on from people and situations that are not harmonious instead of staying and fighting, which tends to be my default behavior.  There are no winners in the blame game, regardless if you are blaming yourself or others.

Blaming is a way we try to protect our heart, that soft, vulnerable, tender part of our self.  Regardless of how tough we are, within everyone is that soft spot. All growth comes from that soft spot; however, it is so sensitive that often we feel uncomfortable, and sometimes even pain, when it is touched. So we try and hide it to protect it. When we stop blaming ourselves and others long enough, a space opens to  feel our heart, and we discover the wounds that lie underneath the protective shell that blaming builds. As long as we need to feel right or wrong, we continue to build layers of  that protective shell.

I quit drinking my beloved coffee 2 weeks ago, as I have been cleansing. This morning, feeling the need to feel better, I made myself a huge cup. Sitting in my chair hugging my huge cup of coffee, looking out the window at the beautiful sunshine and listening to the birds singing, I attempted to pull myself together by planning what I need to do today. As my mind began it's course of distraction into doing mode versus the feeling mode I was stuck in, Grace seemed to take over. I write all the time. I find my journals all over my house. Yesterday I found one stuck in an odd place, and I moved it over to a collection of books I keep by my meditation spot. I reached down in my stack of books to find something inspiring to read, and my hand landed on that journal. Out of it, fell a chart of the energetic system of the body. I had been wanting to find a good chart on Sen Lines for my upcoming Thai Massage workshop. This was exactly what I needed. I don't know why it was in this journal or even remember where it came from. This sparked my curiosity about the journal.

I opened the journal to the first page dated November 2012, and the first line in it was this quote:

"There are no justified resentments."

 I don't know where this quote is from or if the preceding writing is mine or something I read, but it was exactly what needed hear.

"If I am responsible, even in some small way, for the negativity I am experiencing then I can go to work to change it. If someone or something else is responsible, then I will have to wait for them to change it before I will feel better. If I can take some responsibility for my pain, then I can take some responsibility for removing it. Blaming leaves me powerless. Resentment will destroy me. Why would I allow something that belongs to someone else to be a source of resentment, a source of self-destruction? When I feel offended, I am practicing judgement. When judging someone else to be stupid, insensitive, rude, arrogant, inconsiderate or foolish, I am offended by their conduct. When I judge another person, I do not define them, I define myself as someone who needs to judge others."

Wherever this came from, I am feeling grateful for the wisdom. Thank you, God.