Going Solo

Little known fact about Solitude, she’s a philosopher. She wears a long flowing gown so when the breeze catches it, she feels the presence of another even when no one is there. Insight is her lover, and she has grown comfortable with his comings and goings. She's not usually on the quest list and does not entertain, but occasionally she requests the company of Courage. Getting to know her is difficult but worth the effort.  Solitude can lead you to Stillness, and they can show you a whole new world you never knew existed. 

 

I stepped out of my pajamas this morning and they lay in an inside out clump on the floor right in front of the bathroom door where I took them off. I thought about picking them up, but I am getting too much pleasure from the fact that I can leave them there as long as I want to without feeling self-conscious. I returned from work this afternoon and plopped myself down in a my chair, which just happens to be the only piece of furniture in my new living room. It is so cozy, that aside from getting up to make myself a smoothie for dinner, I haven't left it. There are probably only about 5 items in my refrigerator and a dozen in my pantry, all of which are fresh and new and not there to please anyone but me.  My stereo is playing the music I like at the volume I enjoy, and that is the only sound I hear. I am happy to report I cannot hear the sound of a TV and there is not one in sight. I moved in yesterday, and the sublime reality of having my own place again has finally hit me.

 

It has a been almost a year of traveling for me, living here and there, packing and unpacking my suitcase. I have slept in so many different places, that often when I wake up it takes me a few minutes to figure out where I am. The only other piece of furniture in my apartment is a bed.  I must have great "bed karma," because I am forever moving and having to leave the most comfortable bed behind and then coming across another fabulous bed. They are usually given to me or I pay very little for them. I was delighted to discover once again I have the best bed ever. Perhaps I just have really great friends?  I love to sleep, and I do it very well. About a month or so ago, I started to wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to sleep.  Solitude seems to suit me, as the only time I can remember being conscious during last night's sleep was to revel for a moment in how blissfully I was sleeping and feeling gratitude for another awesome bed.

To the best of my memory, since 1981, I have had 24 different homes. That's not counting when I've stayed with someone else for a length of time. I have actually had that many residences. Since I left my family's home when I was 18, I have never lived with more than one other person, and 40% of my adult life I have spent living alone. Self-containment is an important life skill. Living alone teaches us that.

The need to have someone or something to fill the void keeps us distracted from being with ourselves. Until we learn to sit with our self, to sit with our loneliness, our emptiness, our discomforts and our fears, we can never know the fullness of connection beyond our pleasures and pains. Just as everything in the entire Universe expands and contracts, so does our consciousness. Going within takes whatever time it takes. We cannot schedule it in our appointment book. We cannot "work" it into our life. Going within takes over our life.  Sometimes it takes us around the world, and sometimes it drops us off in the cave. Resistance to either only brings suffering. 

 

Finding myself, happily back in the cave recharging for my next adventure. Curious to know what will come out of this. Unpacked a few brushes and a canvas this afternoon, and I seem to have fallen in love with the color blue. Hmmmm....

Jealousy

Jealousy is a fiery redhead with intense green eyes. Interesting thing about her is that most of the time she behaves herself. But when she's bad, she's really BAD. I can't remember ever inviting her in for tea, but somehow I end up entertaining her now and then. She hangs out with a rotten crowd, Fear, Anger, Insecurity and Envy. All of which I wish would just move out of town, but what to do? When I ignore her, she and Anger just get louder. When I entertain her, she brings her friends Fear and Insecurity, and they talk so incessantly that they begin to sound like voices coming from my own head. Her friend, Envy, is just bad news. I locked him out once, and he just replaced the door with a new lock, one in which he owned the key. I found the thing to do when this group of shady characters shows up is to invite them, but I make sure I have some of my friends with me. Courage and Truth are the first I call. They have a way of giving Jealousy a reality check that quiets her down. Anger and Envy just leave when Love and Compassion show up. It takes all kinds. It's better to make friends with your demons, resisting them only puffs up their egos. Acceptance taught me this.

Today is Not a Good Day to Fall Apart

Today is not a good day to fall apart. My world seems to be in chaos. The panic button is flashing red. My situation seems to be quite delicate, as if my "House of Cards" could be blown away at any moment. This is no time to make a wrong move, a poor decision or to skip a beat. Just when I need to have all my wits about me, to conjure up all my magical powers and clever charms, I seem to be dull, lacking confidence and certainly far from charming. I seem to be hanging on by a thread that is on the verge of breaking, surely to drop me down into the pits of hell, then I remember. I have been there before, so what's the harm in one more visit?

One of my favorite lines is from a Talking Head's song... "Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens." Perhaps that makes hell the place where everything happens? Hell is a place the mind moves through. Heaven is a place the mind rests in. My mind, by it's very nature, is restless and often uncontrollable. I ask myself, "If I were able to control my mind, who is this that would do this controlling?" I have never come up with a satisfying answer.

What if the mind were given the freedom to be restless? How long could it be restless before it sought rest on it's own out of sheer exhaustion or perhaps even boredom? The truth is the mind cannot be controlled. It can only be attracted and distracted, attached and not attached. We often don't realize we are in heaven when we are there, because it is so non-eventful our mind doesn't bother to show up. A restful mind is one that has been engaged in positive ways. A restless mind is one that has been engaged in negative ways. If we find ourselves hanging on by that last thread, it's a sign we have already fallen apart. We might as well let go of it, and watch the cards fall.

All of our wrong moves, poor decisions and missed beats have already happened. We are simply experiencing the results of our past actions. The mind cannot rest in hell. How long it's journey through it is depends on how tightly we are clinging to the past, how fearful we are of the future and how content we are with nothingness. All good minds go to heaven.

I am reminded this morning to play good games. I don't know how this reminder came to me anymore than I know who controls my mind. My mind does not want to sit, so I will watch it dance it's drama out until it wears weary from it. I suppose I will hold onto this last thread until it breaks, which it will. They always do. I suppose I will fall down into the pits of hell, and then I will crawl, climb or claw out. I always do. I suppose my "House of Cards" will be blown down, and again I will rebuild. I always do. History repeats itself, because the mind repeats itself.

The mind creates stories and then lives them out. Play good games and tell good stories, but don't fool yourself. Hanging onto to heaven while you are in hell, will only keep you in limbo. A free fall down into the fiery pits will catapult you out faster than you can say "Abracadabra." Accept your existence. You really have no other choice. Think good thoughts. Say good things, and do good deeds. And when you can't, accept your defeat, then go ahead and fall apart. All of God's angles will put you back together again. They always do.

Accepting What IS

The philosophy of Non-doing can be a tricky one. It is enticing because in one sense it gets us off the hook, as it means if there is no doer, there is no one there to be held accountable for anything. It means that life is not our responsibility and therefore, nothing to feel guilty about. It means that there is a Divine Order that runs the show and that all is taken care of within that scheme. There is nothing we need to do, and we are free to just be.

The slippery slope of truly understanding the philosophy of Non-doing and ultimately realizing it, begins with the mind. The mind seems to be the problem. As seductive as sounds to be free of the feelings or responsibility, guilt and shame, it is just not that easy. It is dangerous to assume we are not responsible for anything when we still feel a solid doer present. Non-doing is never an excuse for acting out of alignment with Divine Order. To use Non-doing as an excuse for our actions as result of fear, jealously and greed only shows our investment in doership. A mind that refuses to accept it experiences fear, jealously and greed is a mind that cannot accept it is not the doer.

When life is beautiful it easy to accept Divine Order but when life is ugly, we cannot understand how Divine Order can be so cruel. There is suffering and rest assured, we will experience it. It is impossible for the mind to fully grasp the mystery of Divine Order, and even more impossible for the mind to believe it is not the doer. It's not just you. No one wants to suffer, and everyone wants to be happy. Our suffering and unhappiness is not God's fault. It is the result of our unmindful, unconscious living... yours, mine and theirs.

The realization of Non-doing happens through observing the mind do what it does, not controlling the mind doing what it does. Any controlling going on is going on in the mind, not by Divine Order. In becoming more conscious of the antics of our mind, our emotional body, our personality, our ego, we begin to notice how fickle and fictitious it actually is. When we catch how ridiculous we are, how fearful we are, how jealousy and greedy we are, we don't want to accept that is who we are. So, we either make up a story of an image that is more acceptable to us, or we realize that just can't be who we are. When we no longer believe the mind, we collide with truth of our self.

I have seen many a "non-doer", including myself, throw the philosophy out the window when the going gets tough, and start grasping for control trying to uphold the house of cards we've built. It is in these times of suffering, when we are absorbed in our fear or utterly fed up and disillusioned with life, that we are given the opportunity to break the mind's clutching to a reality that does not exist.

It is in this breakdown, we accept the mind, the ego, the individual "I" in all it's mucked-up-ness... in all it's insanity, with all it's fears, jealousies and greediness. It may or may not happen over night. It may or may not happen even in this lifetime, but eventually we realize the truth. Eventually, the mind merges into the background of existence. Eventually, we are free.

May we always remember... "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God."

Just because we have a "truthful" feeling, it doesn't mean that is who we truthfully are. Mostly we are imposters, and our feelings can't be trusted. We pose as this and pose as that in search of who we really are. Unfortunately, we believe our feelings, and our feelings constantly change. My angry self is not the "real" me; however if I am in denial of my anger, my greed, my jealously, my pain, I can never get past it and my awareness of my angry self grows.

The ego is a fictional character, but it is often who we believe our self to be. It is quite difficult to get handle on who this character is, as we are constantly creating and recreating this personality based on an image we would like to project. It is our belief in this fictitious character that feeds it and wears the grooves of our psychic patterning. Beliefs are fueled by our emotions. The stronger the emotion, the more rigid the belief. Our emotions are like a computer program and it's language is our conditioning.

When we can recognize our patterning, we can go beyond our conditioned responses. To go beyond our conditioning, we must accept that our perceptions may need to be corrected. We are not who we see ourselves to be. We are who we know ourselves to be. We do not have to believe anything about ourselves to be. If we are trying to convince anyone that we are anything, then we can rest assured we are still trying to convince our self. Believing does not lead to conviction. Believing is a feeling. Acceptance leads to conviction. When we are convinced that all we will ever be, we already are right here, right now... we are free.

Beyond Limits

Truth is simple; however it is not so simple to live it. It is the immaturity of a soul that creates complex interpretations of truth in efforts to maintain it's individual interpretations. In other words, to keep fooling ourselves by making up our own version. It is life that teaches the soul and with it's teaching, the soul matures. It not that we need to learn anything that we don't already know. It is that we need to uncover the truth already within us that has been veiled by our layers of conditioned patterns and fears. Living the truth of who we are takes a courage beyond the normal human tendency and a faith unfathomable by a normal mind. But what is normal? What is madness? A life truly lived is beyond the limits of normal. Be madly, passionately fearless. Cultivate irrational, insane faith. Go beyond the limits. Live juicy.

Non-doing Means Freedom to Me

There is one Universal Cosmic Source that runs the show. It is creation Itself. From this Source of Creation the entire universe is projected, including the individual "I" known as Uma. The individual "I" that I consider to be me is like a hologram being projected from Pure Consciousness. The individual "I" is an integral part of the Cosmic Scheme fully equipped with an individual consciousness, a mind that thinks and feels, along with a body that touches, tastes, hears, smells and sees.

 The individual "I"  is like the tentacles of an octopus. The tentacles of an octopus are it's extremities; extremities that see and feel and send their impressions to the octopus brain. They are never separate from the octopus. They do not exist without the octopus. They exist as part of the octopus. The individual "I" is the farthest outward reaching extension of Pure Consciousness, the "feelers" for Consciousness. "I" is merely the reporter of an experience being had. "I" exists because of Consciousness conjured it up, not because "I" thought itself into existence.

Since "I" cannot be not separate from Consciousness, as if "I" ever actually were, "I" would not exist. "I" must have a sense of personal will. If "I" did not have that sense, "I" would probably be unable to function. This sense of personal will empowers it with the desire to choose this or that. However, what "I" desires is not something "I" can control. In reality, there is nothing "I" can control, but "I" really enjoys thinking it can. This sense of personal will is more like a regulator of the system and gives the body/mind system the ability to do or not do. This regulator is designed to seek pleasure and avoid pain. "I" is perfect by design. If "I" am being myself, being truthful, being authentic this regulator cannot fail me.

Every single thing that happens in the Universe good, bad or indifferent happens on it's own. The same Source that regulates "I" regulates the entire universe. It's all made from the same thing and designed to do the same thing. Although a dog will look and act like a dog and a cat will look and act like a cat, their only purpose is to be a celebration of existence.  Your purpose, my purpose and everything in creation is merely for celebration and entertainment of Consciousness. It is "I" that takes itself so seriously and feels so intensely the importance of it's fate.

The Source does not judge good, bad or indifferent. Those are concepts for the human mind. Creation simply creates and does so impartially. As Consciousness inhales, inspiration arises and with it's exhale a world is created.  Encompassing all that IS, is everything... beautiful, ugly, good and evil. It is "I" that has the concepts and attaches the labels. Consciousness only breathes. This entire physical reality is being projected like a movie in front of our field of consciousness. Sometimes it is of sublime beauty, and sometimes it is of unfathomable horror. But whatever it is we see, feel and experience is passing. Nothing lasts forever.

Both suffering and bliss come and go like the waves of the ocean rolling in and rolling out. No more than we can control the waves in the ocean can we control what comes and goes in our lives. Whatever issues, problems, fears, etc. that "I" has are just passing experiences. "I" does not direct the show. If "I" realizes that it is not separate from it's Source, it realizes it has the power of the entire universe with it's reach. "I" can face the "ultimate monster," and if I do not believe in duality, "I" will see the monster as itself; and "I" is not designed to self destruct. "I" is designed to celebrate existence Itself.

There is no monster we cannot face, unless we are afraid of our own self. Now, that would be insanity, wouldn't it? Insanity comes through our resistance to what IS. Suffering is not our problem. Our acceptance of it is. At our very rudimentary, ignorant level, we will always seek pleasure over pain. Even if I am the most ignorant person in the world, " I" have this same regulator. If "I" can realize just this one fact, "I" can breathe deeper and sleep more soundly at night.

It is not up to us, and that's the freedom. There is nothing to do. It has already been done. We are merely playing out our lives like the characters of a story. Only this story is being created as we act it out, and the ending has not been yet decided. We will end up doing whatever we end up doing. Through the sense of our personal will, we will make choices based on our desires. There is a fool proof system we are equipped with that is perfect by design. We have all the power in the universe backing us. To realize this, we must only be our Self. Relax, you are not the mess you think you are. Reach beyond the illusion, and seek only truth. That, my friends, is our salvation.