Izzy took us for our evening walk. Izzy is my dog. Most people walk their dog. My dog walks me. We started a little later than usual tonight, so the light disappeared before we got to the dirt roads. I live in a unique community that caters to equestrians. You can keep your horse in your back yard and ride right down your street. The beautiful Georgia red clay roads are more horse friendly than asphalt and besides just being more pleasant to walk on, they create a country like feeling in the middle of downtown. Adding more to their ambiance, the street lights are much farther and fewer between on the dirt roads. Neither Shantji or I enjoy the glare from the lights in the neighborhood. Moonlight is so much softer on the eyes.
As we walked into the darkness of the night, just pass the empty polo field, we were assaulted with the blinding lights of a pickup truck. It was hard to tell if it was stopped or just moving very, very slow. When we got a little closer I saw a big yellow Labrador jump in the back. The truck picked up a little speed and moved passed. us, then slowed way down again. The dog jumped back out and just started walking along side the truck as it crawled down the road. I asked Shantji, "Did you see that? He's walking his dog the lazy way. When he saw us with Izzy, he told his dog to get back in the truck and after he passed us, he let him get back out." Shantji couldn't believe that a dog would be so smart that you could get it to follow commands like that.
I told him, "Izzy is smart like that. If I would be more patient, spend more time and be consistent with training her, Izzy is certainly capable. Remember how she was when I first got her? She wouldn't come when you called her. Now she knows her name. She comes, sits and stays (briefly, anyway). I have only had her less than two months. Imagine what she will be like in two years." Something about the softness of the clay beneath our feet, the smell of Night Jasmine, the moonshine through the trees, the strange truck, the cool dog and Izzy's insistent pace brought a liveliness to our walk and our chirping.
Shantji asked, "How long have we known each other? "Going on 7 years", I told him." After taking a few moments to absorb that, he continued, "Imagine that you are my Izzy. If you have learned anything from me over these years, tell me one for each year I've known you."
Seven Most Valuable Things I've Learned
- The dramas in life are not as important as we make them out to be. They come, and they go. We entertain them for as long as we have interest in them or as long as they serve some purpose. When they pass they become just another story we will either remember or forget. Some are good. Some are bad, but nothing lasts forever.
- We end up doing whatever it is we are going to end up doing, and it's all okay. Life spontaneously unfolds in this Cosmic Play. We are merely an actor in it, not the director of it. Karma works itself out. It's not up to us. Everything happens on it's own in Cosmic Time through the Cosmic Will.
- Things are not as they appear. We are all delusional from time to time. You have to dig deep to find the truth.
- Don't get fixated on things. It is pointless. Whatever will be, will be. You can't put a square peg in a round hole no matter how much you want to.
- Resistance brings struggle and misery. Openness brings expansion and growth.
- Face your fears, or they will eat you alive. Leaps of faith are mandatory for the spiritual seeker.
- It's okay to make a fool of yourself, but don't fool yourself. Just be yourself. Above all, be truthful.
"Will you be open to write this on Facebook? I think other people might enjoy the story," Shantji suggested. "Yes, Shantji. I have been trained well", I teased. "Good girl," he teased back.
I
have been experiencing a creative block. I sit to write and nothing
comes. I sit to bead, and nothing forms. I sit to draw and the pen does
not move. I am not unhappy, but neither am I overjoyed. Sometimes my
best art comes when I am miserable, and sometimes when I am blissed out. I
am neither right now. I have never been comfortable in the middle of the
road. I tend to be on one side or the other.
It seems I have landed in the middle. Perhaps it is mundane life of
work and chores that has landed me in this lull of creativity, as my
gypsy shoes have been put away for now.
Thank God a dear friend
taught me to paint before art school destroyed my natural creativity. I
can still hear him say, "Just cover up the white." We would sit side by
side with two blank, white canvases with our paints in between us, put
on some beautiful music and cover up the white until art happened. When I
got to art school there was a "process," and there were rules. I never
finished that degree. Couldn't see the point in it, as they did not seem
to understand what art truly was. What I like about art is that rules
are meant to be broken, not engrained. That's how you expand outside the
box. I think that applies to most things in life.
I don't
believe life is about tasks and processes and work and chores. I think
life is about finding beauty. We've got it all mixed up. Life happens on
it's own. It's not for us to control. It is for us to celebrate. Try
and work it too hard and your "art" looses it's beauty, it's softness,
it's light. When we get stuck, we just need to poke a hole somewhere,
start something, do one thing different and before we know it, we are
flowing in beauty again.
So this is the hole I poked. I think
it worked. My fingers moved over the key board and sentences formed.
Time to go cover up some white. Have a beautiful evening everyone.
Namaste.
Little known fact about Solitude,
she’s a philosopher. She wears a long flowing gown so when the breeze catches
it, she feels the presence of another even when no one is there. Insight is her
lover, and she has grown comfortable with his comings and goings. She's not
usually on the quest list and does not entertain, but occasionally she requests
the company of Courage. Getting to know her is difficult but worth the effort. Solitude can lead you to Stillness, and they can
show you a whole new world you never knew existed.
I stepped out of my pajamas this morning and they lay in an inside out clump on the floor right in front of the bathroom door where I took them off. I thought about picking them up, but I am getting too much pleasure from the fact that I can leave them there as long as I want to without feeling self-conscious. I returned from work this afternoon and plopped myself down in a my chair, which just happens to be the only piece of furniture in my new living room. It is so cozy, that aside from getting up to make myself a smoothie for dinner, I haven't left it. There are probably only about 5 items in my refrigerator and a dozen in my pantry, all of which are fresh and new and not there to please anyone but me. My stereo is playing the music I like at the volume I enjoy, and that is the only sound I hear. I am happy to report I cannot hear the sound of a TV and there is not one in sight. I moved in yesterday, and the sublime reality of having my own place again has finally hit me.
It has a been almost a year of traveling for me, living here and there, packing and unpacking my suitcase. I have slept in so many different places, that often when I wake up it takes me a few minutes to figure out where I am. The only other piece of furniture in my apartment is a bed. I must have great
"bed karma," because I am forever moving and having to leave the most
comfortable bed behind and then coming across another fabulous bed. They
are usually given to me or I pay very little for them. I was delighted
to discover once again I have the best bed ever. Perhaps I just have
really great friends? I love to sleep, and I do it very well. About a month or so ago, I started to wake up in the middle of the night and not go back to sleep. Solitude seems to suit me, as the only time I can remember being conscious during last night's sleep was to revel for a moment in how blissfully I was sleeping and feeling gratitude for another awesome bed.
To the best of my memory, since 1981, I have had 24 different homes. That's not counting when I've stayed with someone else for a length of time. I have actually had that many residences. Since I left my family's home when I was 18, I have never lived with more than one other person, and 40% of my adult life I have spent living alone. Self-containment is an important life skill. Living alone teaches us that.
The need to have someone or something to fill the void keeps us distracted from being with ourselves. Until we learn to sit with our self, to sit with our loneliness, our emptiness, our discomforts and our fears, we can never know the fullness of connection beyond our pleasures and pains. Just as everything in the entire Universe expands and contracts, so does our consciousness. Going within takes whatever time it takes. We cannot schedule it in our appointment book. We cannot "work" it into our life. Going within takes over our life. Sometimes it takes us around the world, and sometimes it drops us off in the cave. Resistance to either only brings suffering.
Finding myself, happily back in the cave recharging for my next adventure. Curious to know what will come out of this. Unpacked a few brushes and a canvas this afternoon, and I seem to have fallen in love with the color blue. Hmmmm....
Jealousy is a fiery redhead with intense green eyes.
Interesting thing about her is that most of the time she behaves
herself. But when she's bad, she's really BAD. I can't remember ever
inviting her in for tea, but somehow I end up entertaining her now and
then. She hangs out with a rotten crowd, Fear, Anger, Insecurity and Envy. All of which I wish would just move out of town, but what to do? When I ignore her, she and Anger just get louder. When I entertain her, she brings her friends Fear and Insecurity, and they talk so incessantly that they begin to sound like voices coming from my own head. Her friend, Envy,
is just bad news. I locked him out once, and he just replaced the door
with a new lock, one in which he owned the key. I found the thing to do
when this group of shady characters shows up is to invite them, but I
make sure I have some of my friends with me. Courage and Truth are the first I call. They have a way of giving Jealousy a reality check that quiets her down. Anger and Envy just leave when Love and Compassion show up. It takes all kinds. It's better to make friends with your demons, resisting them only puffs up their egos. Acceptance taught me this.
Today
is not a good day to fall apart. My world seems to be in chaos. The
panic button is flashing red. My situation seems to be quite delicate,
as if my "House of Cards" could be blown away at any moment. This is no
time to make a wrong move, a poor decision or to skip a beat. Just when
I need to have all my wits about me, to conjure up all my magical
powers and clever charms, I seem to be dull,
lacking confidence and certainly far from charming. I seem to be
hanging on by a thread that is on the verge of breaking, surely to drop
me down into the pits of hell, then I remember. I have been there
before, so what's the harm in one more visit?
One of my
favorite lines is from a Talking Head's song... "Heaven is a place where
nothing ever happens." Perhaps that makes hell the place where
everything happens? Hell is a place the mind moves through. Heaven is a
place the mind rests in. My mind, by it's very nature, is restless and
often uncontrollable. I ask myself, "If I were able to control my mind,
who is this that would do this controlling?" I have never come up with a
satisfying answer.
What if the mind were given the freedom to
be restless? How long could it be restless before it sought rest on it's
own out of sheer exhaustion or perhaps even boredom? The truth is the
mind cannot be controlled. It can only be attracted and distracted,
attached and not attached. We often don't realize we are in heaven when
we are there, because it is so non-eventful our mind doesn't bother to
show up. A restful mind is one that has been engaged in positive ways. A
restless mind is one that has been engaged in negative ways. If we find
ourselves hanging on by that last thread, it's a sign we have already
fallen apart. We might as well let go of it, and watch the cards fall.
All of our wrong moves, poor decisions and missed beats have already
happened. We are simply experiencing the results of our past actions.
The mind cannot rest in hell. How long it's journey through it is
depends on how tightly we are clinging to the past, how fearful we are
of the future and how content we are with nothingness. All good minds go
to heaven.
I am reminded this morning to play good games. I
don't know how this reminder came to me anymore than I know who controls
my mind. My mind does not want to sit, so I will watch it dance it's
drama out until it wears weary from it. I suppose I will hold onto this
last thread until it breaks, which it will. They always do. I suppose I
will fall down into the pits of hell, and then I will crawl, climb or
claw out. I always do. I suppose my "House of Cards" will be blown down,
and again I will rebuild. I always do. History repeats itself, because
the mind repeats itself.
The mind creates stories and then
lives them out. Play good games and tell good stories, but don't fool
yourself. Hanging onto to heaven while you are in hell, will only keep
you in limbo. A free fall down into the fiery pits will catapult you out
faster than you can say "Abracadabra." Accept your existence. You
really have no other choice. Think good thoughts. Say good things, and
do good deeds. And when you can't, accept your defeat, then go ahead and
fall apart. All of God's angles will put you back together again. They
always do.
The philosophy of Non-doing can be a tricky
one. It is enticing because in one sense it gets us off the hook, as it
means if there is no doer, there is no one there to be held accountable
for anything. It means that life is not our responsibility
and therefore, nothing to feel guilty about. It means that there is a
Divine Order that runs the show and that all is taken care of within
that scheme. There is nothing we need to do, and we are free to just be.
The slippery slope of truly understanding the philosophy of
Non-doing and ultimately realizing it, begins with the mind. The mind
seems to be the problem. As seductive as sounds to be free of the
feelings or responsibility, guilt and shame, it is just not that easy.
It is dangerous to assume we are not responsible for anything when we
still feel a solid doer present. Non-doing is never an excuse for acting
out of alignment with Divine Order. To use Non-doing as an excuse for
our actions as result of fear, jealously and greed only shows our
investment in doership. A mind that refuses to accept it experiences
fear, jealously and greed is a mind that cannot accept it is not the
doer.
When life is beautiful it easy to accept Divine Order but
when life is ugly, we cannot understand how Divine Order can be so
cruel. There is suffering and rest assured, we will experience it. It is
impossible for the mind to fully grasp the mystery of Divine Order, and
even more impossible for the mind to believe it is not the doer. It's
not just you. No one wants to suffer, and everyone wants to be happy.
Our suffering and unhappiness is not God's fault. It is the result of
our unmindful, unconscious living... yours, mine and theirs.
The realization of
Non-doing happens through observing the mind do what it does, not
controlling the mind doing what it does. Any controlling going on is
going on in the mind, not by Divine Order. In becoming more conscious of
the antics of our mind, our emotional body, our personality, our ego,
we begin to notice how fickle and fictitious it actually is. When we
catch how ridiculous we are, how fearful we are, how jealousy and greedy
we are, we don't want to accept that is who we are. So, we either make
up a story of an image that is more acceptable to us, or we realize that
just can't be who we are. When we no longer believe the mind, we
collide with truth of our self.
I have seen many a "non-doer",
including myself, throw the philosophy out the window when the going
gets tough, and start grasping for control trying to uphold the house of cards we've built. It is in these times of
suffering, when we are absorbed in our fear or utterly fed up and
disillusioned with life, that we are given the opportunity to break the
mind's clutching to a reality that does not exist.
It is in
this breakdown, we accept the mind, the ego, the individual "I" in all
it's mucked-up-ness... in all it's insanity, with all it's fears,
jealousies and greediness. It may or may not happen over night. It may
or may not happen even in this lifetime, but eventually we realize the
truth. Eventually, the mind merges into the background of existence.
Eventually, we are free.
May we always remember... "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God."
Just
because we have a "truthful" feeling, it doesn't mean that is who we
truthfully are. Mostly we are imposters, and our feelings can't be
trusted. We pose as this and pose as that in search of who we really
are. Unfortunately, we believe our feelings, and our feelings constantly
change. My angry self is not the "real" me; however if I am in denial
of my anger, my greed, my jealously, my pain, I can never get past it
and my awareness of my angry self grows.
The ego is a fictional
character, but it is often who we believe our self to be. It is quite
difficult to get handle on who this character is, as we are constantly
creating and recreating this personality based on an image we would like
to project. It is our belief in this fictitious character that feeds it
and wears the grooves of our psychic patterning. Beliefs are fueled by
our emotions. The stronger the emotion, the more rigid the belief. Our
emotions are like a computer program and it's language is our
conditioning.
When we can recognize our patterning, we can go
beyond our conditioned responses. To go beyond our conditioning, we
must accept that our perceptions may need to be corrected. We are not
who we see ourselves to be. We are who we know ourselves to be. We do
not have to believe anything about ourselves to be. If we are trying to
convince anyone that we are anything, then we can rest assured we are
still trying to convince our self. Believing does not lead to
conviction. Believing is a feeling. Acceptance leads to conviction. When
we are convinced that all we will ever be, we already are right here,
right now... we are free.
