Love & Fear

The Course in Miracles tells us that there are only two emotions, love and fear. If we are not experiencing love, we are experiencing fear. It is an either or kind of deal. We cannot experience them both at the same time. Darkness is absence of light, and fear is absence of love. To dispel darkness, we must turn on the light. To fear less, we must love more.

We will find whatever we are seeking in life. If we see someone's innocence, it is because that is what we want to see. In turn, if we see someone as guilty, it is because that is what we want to see. The world is as we see it. If we think that we are imagining things, we are. Our perceptions create our individual realities. Our individual realities are not necessarily universal realities or the truth. The pointing, judging, vengeful finger ultimately reverses direction to accuse and punish no other than our own self.

It is not our duty in life to police the universe. It is our duty to celebrate existence. Existence IS regardless of us. We can doing nothing to control the world going round. If I waste my time and energy finding others guilty of crimes against me, I am simply wearing a groove to keep myself stuck in whatever past experiences where I felt angry or hurt, and assures that I will continue to be a victim of my own fears. Since, I cannot experience love and fear at the same time, my heart will be closed to the love I so desperately desire. 

We can never change ours or another's wrongful behaviors by pointing the accusatory finger. Forgiveness happens when we accept ourselves and others just as they are right now. This doesn't mean we won't get angry. This doesn't mean we won't get hurt. If just means, we won't prolong our suffering from lack of love because we are afraid to get angry or be hurt. I am not suggesting that we ignore and stuff our feelings. We must realize that our anger and hurt is just that, ours. To understand ourselves we must express ourselves in relationships. Nothing but disease, whether physical or emotional, comes from holding in our feelings. However, our feelings don't belong to anyone else, and they are not the responsibility of anyone else. 

When we behave unlovingly, it is because we have forgotten who we are. We have gone to sleep. To stay awake, we turn on the light. To turn on the light, we must simply be truthful. Fear is a lie. Only love is real. The most profound and meaningful statement I ever heard comes from the Course:

"Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God."

It is impossible for us to fix anything about ourselves or anyone else. Only God can cure and heal. For that to happen we must accept the truth of ourselves and others. What we seek, seeks us. If we want to experience more love, then we must go to the very core of our being and extract it from the endless depths of our reservoir residing there. Once tapped into, love will just pour out with reckless abandonment. Situations and people do not need our fixing. They need our love. 

If we are angry, we are afraid. If we are manipulative, insensitive or cruel, we are afraid. All fears are a cry for love. How can we truthfully ignore a cry for love? We can't, and our ignorance is also a cry for love. It is the wounded ego that cries for love. Since only God can cure and heal, the wounded ego must ultimately surrender to God. No religion, no teacher, no lover or even our own personal will can heal the wounded ego. Once we can accept our helplessness, our humanness and our lovelessness, we have opened the door to our heart so that all the love and healing we need can pour in.

Acceptance comes through truthfulness. You are not who you think you are. We must transcend the broken parts of ourselves by realizing the truth of who we are. We were made from love. We are made of love. To know thyself, love thyself. Nothing is up to you. It's all up to God. To know love, seek love. Seek love, and it will seek you. 

The Oneness of it All

Can we trust our belief that we are not a doer and still get angry and blame others? The answer is yes and no. If we have had the realization we are not the doer, then we have realized the core of our being. Resting there is an unshakable conviction, and at our core is Divine Perfection. There is no "other." If there is only the One, then there is no you and no me. So who could we be angry at? Who can we blame? Can I even blame myself if I am convinced there is no doer, that there is only the Divine Scheme?

Regardless of our conviction, in this physical reality and this energetic space, there is a thinker that thinks, a feeler that feels and a doer that does. There are layers of energetic patterns and psychic grooves, our karmas and samskaras unique to us.  We can not truthfully say the individual does not exist, as we are an integral part of the Whole. The energetic body carrying all it's karmas and samskaras, as well as our physical, mental and emotional bodies are very much alive. 

I am most peaceful when I am alone in Nature. I find it most easy to flow with the Oneness of it All when I do not have to engage with the world. My relationship with God is most easy when I spend lots of time in solitude and meditation. Something different comes into play when I am involved in relationship with others. From the the very core of my being I connect to the very core of their being. That is the easy part. When our karmas dance, when our samskaras collide and especially when our emotional bodies meet, the pot gets stirred.

No one wants to hear that they are not being truthful, but the truth is we are all liars. To understand Non-doing, we must first accept we have been fooling our self and others throughout our existence. We don't do this consciously. It is an unconscious psychic, emotional pattern based on fear and conditioning and until all the layers of our being become completely integrated and aligned with our convictions, we will continue to live the lie of duality and doership. We will continue to get angry and blame others. 

It is our emotional bodies that create the screeching between two individuals. If you don't behave the way I expect you to behave based on my established conditioning as to what kind of relationship we have mutually agreed upon, I will experience some sort of emotional disturbance and blame you. Depending on my personality and the type of relationship I have with you, that emotional disturbance could be experienced as anger, resentment, hurt or withdrawal. And your emotional body will react to my emotional body with it's individual emotional patterns and psychic grooves. So there we are two liars fully. invested in the duality of existence, not experiencing the Oneness of it All.

Relationship is the spiritual seeker's final frontier. Just because we experience emotion, just because we get angry, just because we blame another does not mean that we have not realized the core of our being. It is simply an indicator that our emotional body has not fully integrated with our deepest convictions. If there is screeching in a relationship, then there is some untruthfulness between the parties. More superficial relationships are often smoother, but not as rewarding. Superficial relationships are often based on commonalities. We may enjoy the same books, the same pastimes, the same work, the same emotional and physical pleasures, the same, same. These outward commonalities make it easy to enjoy the world together even when there may not be a deeper, more spiritual connection. Even many marriages are like this. Emotional and physical bonding does not necessarily have to be based on truth.

A spiritual relationship is based on Truth. Emotional and physical bonding may cause screeching as karmas and samskaras work themselves out. With a foundation based on truth, when your untruthfulness meets my untruthfulness, a process of clearing will be ignited. This is often not fun. This is the crux of transformation in our relationships. We can either run for the hills or be willing to roll in the muck for awhile. I have discovered that Truth is the only thing worth pursuing. I have discovered that no matter how difficult it can get down in the trenches of physicality and emotionalism, that if my relationships are based on a foundation of truth, then all the treasurers of the Kingdom, all the love, all the joy, all, the sublime beauty from the Oneness of it All are shining like diamonds underneath the rubble of transformation.

If you get angry and blame another, then you must blame yourself as well. You must hold some belief in the layers of your personality that identifies you with the doer. Ask yourself, who is this doer? Is it me? Is there a solid entity present in this moment, or is it a ghost of my past or a aberration of my future? Ask yourself, if you can be anywhere but where you are right now? Who are you, and where are you?

We fall down. We get up again. We get angry. We forgive again. It's all just Lila. Transcendence comes through devotion, dedication, discipline, courage and above all, truthfulness. Sometimes the only way out of hell is right through the center of it. And on the other side of hell lies paradise.

Who's Your Boogie Man?

Yesterday I faced a fear. We all know that fears are, for the most part, irrational; however, that doesn't seem to help us much when they show up. Phobias are just plain crazy. I am not sure my fear of heights is quite at the phobia level, but I am certainly aware of it's irrationality. Even though challenging my fears makes me uncomfortable, to say the least, I do so periodically just to check in. I can accept that I have fears, but I cannot accept them controlling my existence. It's just my way of sticking it to the fear monster.

I have been wandering around the planet since last November. I arrived back in the US beginning of June. I am traveling here and there with a car packed to the hilt  with whatever belongings I can carry, visiting friends, family and old haunts, working some and playing a lot. Mostly, I am happy with my present gypsy life but sometimes I start to wonder, "Am I just wandering aimlessly or is there a point to this?" One of my old haunts is Greenville, South Carolina. I lived here for about a year. I spent most of my time here alone in the woods across the street from my little cottage, hiking the 18 miles of trails weaving around this mountain. It was a time of introspection and getting to know myself again after a few years of chaos and transformation. I arrived here the day before yesterday and was chomping at the bit waiting for sun to rise and the rains to clear so that I could visit my old friend, curious to measure my growth over the last 10 months with this wise and stable yardstick.

These woods became my best friend during my time in Greenville. They always accepted me no matter what my mood and never demanding anything of me. The woods always offered me the keys to it's kingdom with daily gifts of sweet, earthy aromas, babbling creeks, grounding rocks and awe inspiring beauty. They also challenged me to become stronger physically and mentally. It's a long steep hike up this mountain, and I hiked mostly alone, preferring the solitude of Nature over company. I often wonder what I would do if I encountered a bear. Although the thought was somewhat scary, I also found it a little exciting. I am not afraid of bears. I am not afraid of getting lost. I am not afraid of being alone. I am afraid of heights.

About half  way up my trail to the Magic Pitt is a damn with a towering waterfall cascading over it. I stopped at the falls for a bit  to receive their blessings and breathe in their beauty. As my gaze found their top, I was reminded of the edge of the damn. I knew in that moment, I would have to walk the "plank," just to check in with my fear.  I climbed up to the top of the damn, took a deep breath and walked very slowly and very cautiously to the very edge of the slippery, wet stone. On one side is a lake so calm it looks like glass. On the other side, that still water turns into raging rapids as it rushes over the top of the damn. As I reach the edge, I find a dragonfly waiting there for me. I am a firm believer in animal medicine and animal totems, so her presence was not taken lightly.

Unfortunately, my fear of heights is still quite present. I do not fear being in the air. I am not afraid of flying either on a plane or a parasail. I am afraid of the edge, and more specifically falling over the edge. Investigating this fear, I realized that I am concerned that something unknown will push me over the edge more so than actually falling off on my own accord. However, sometimes I feel as if the wind could just blow me off. Even when it's not windy I have this sense. I often feel as if someone or something is behind me. I asked myself, "Is this how I live my life? Do I fear that there is someone or something behind me lurking just waiting to push me off the edge?"

Represented by the iridescence of their wings, Dragonfly medicine shines the light on our self created illusions. If you were to ask what is my greatest fear, I would not say heights. I would say that my most disturbing fear, although not a constant, but an uncomfortably familiar one, is that I am imagining what I think to be real. That what I think is real is merely my imagination, which would make my existence a cosmic joke. Being afraid of heights seems a silly and irrational fear. Being a cosmic joke; however, seems a realistic one.

My "boogie man" lurking behind me is that the illusion of my image can be shattered by the will of something more powerful than me. I fear that all my efforts, all my time, energy and money to create this image could be destroyed by a gust of wind. As I face my boogie man head on, I realize I am a cosmic joke and bring God great joy and laughter. What higher purpose can I imagine? It is in the shattering of our illusions that we discover our wings. Go ahead and walk the plank,and if you go over the edge, be grateful that you are no longer bound by your illusions. Shake hands with your boogie man. "Better to have your enemies inside the tent pissing out, than outside pissing in." By facing our fears we gain strength. By understanding our fears, we gain Wisdom. Wherever life takes us, the point is to realize and be free.

Evolution of the Human

Our consciousness is very complex. This complexity can be overwhelming and also very thick. There is a  Divine Order to our evolutionary process. It unfolds systematically so that we evolve rather than go mad.  The mind needs form and organization so that can take in vastness of  all that IS in way that does not blow our minds. 

First, we are given one thing to focus on.  That first thing is survival.If you ever feel you need grounding, just eat some food. It will take you to the your roots immediately. It is the most primordial desire we have.

Once we realize we can survive, we will not go hungry and our life is not in danger, we can begin to notice the world around us. Our emotional body is then developed, and we seek relationship. After we feel connected to the world, the desire to feel, to love and to share our life with others remains a part of us. We start to feel empowered by knowing we are safe, we will be fed and we will be loved. A foundation has been laid and we begin to question what is our relationship to the world, and how can I best utilize this relationship. At this stage, we have a fully developed ego.

 It is at this level where most of the world is stuck. Do I use my powers for good or evil? Do I continue to feed myself, protect myself and fulfill my desires, or do I use this empowerment, this intelligence and this abundance for, not only my highest good, but to the highest good of others as well? It is at this level, the human being can transcend the animal. Until then, minus a tail and all our thinking, we are pretty much the same. 

When we transcend our animal consciousness, the door to our heart is opened, and the waters of compassion flood our being.  It is here that we integrate and begin to express the beauty of our divinity.  As the fullness of our Divine expression comes to fruition, the veil of Maya becomes transparent, and the Seed of our Consciousness is revealed.  The perfection of our Divine Self is realized.

This evolution occurs at different rates within different individuals, but the same system is programmed in every human being. This, my friends, is the only destiny we have. It may take aeons, but eventually we all evolve. 

Ultimate Freedom

Free speech, free country, free people, free spirit. What is it we need to be free of really? Is it perhaps our own self? Often we think freedom is the ability to do as we please, to say what we please and above all else, to think as we please. This freedom should be our birthright, not our life’s purpose. Who can stop us from thinking as we please? Who stops us from doing anything, from saying anything? 

It is fear that makes us bound. It is our conditioning that makes us fearful. We live in a world based on conditions. It is a conditional world. The Course in Miracles says, “There are only two experiences, love and fear.” If you are not experiencing love, it is because you are fearful. You can’t experience fear and love at the same time. It’s an either or. Love cancels out fear. Unconditional love is such a blissful, joyful, inspirational, desirable concept; however, we can’t experience unconditional love. We cannot because unconditional love is beyond conditions and our experience is based on conditions. We only know unconditional love from the unconditional part of us. Conditional love is an experience and much better experience than fear. The more we love, the less we fear.

It is this unconditional part of us that can know Ultimate Freedom. Ultimate Freedom is unconditional freedom, meaning I still know I am ultimately free whether I am having the experience of freedom or not. We cannot experience unconditional freedom anymore than we can experience unconditional love.  We can experience the freedom to say what we want, to do what we want and to think what we want, but what we want to say, do and think is based on our conditioning. It stands to reason then, the problem starts with conditioning. We are conditioned to be fearful and therefore, conditioned to be bound, so how do we get from bondage to Ultimate Freedom?

The solution is to go beyond our conditioning. First step is we must discover what it is we really want to say, do and think and then start saying, doing and thinking those things. Sounds very simple but not always so easy for us to know what it is we really want; And number two, not only must we know what we want, we must take action on that knowing. Most of our conditioning is just programming from our culture, our family, our peers, etc. To discover our True Nature in all this, we have to drop all of it. For some it may be as easy as a snap of the fingers to drop conditioning that does not align with the truth of our self. For some it might be quite a long and arduous process. For others, some conditioning is easily dropped but the conditioning that is more deeply imbedded in us is most difficult to even discover. We not only need to step outside the box, the box must be destroyed.

Destroying the box does not mean, we kill the ego or kill the mind or kill anything. Our body/mind system operates through conditioning, so we don’t even want to kill our conditioning. Ultimate Freedom is not about killing anything. Ultimate Freedom is the realization of what IS. And what IS, is what is unconditional. What IS exists beyond conditions. It only appears to us through conditions in this conditional world. Ultimate Freedom is the realization I am not this doer living under conditions in a conditional world. I am THAT, which is the everlasting formlessness that is the essence of everything.  I am the Awareness that is aware of  the doer, it’s conditions, it’s fears of what is says, thinks and does; but I am not them.  

How do we arrive at this realization then? We must deal with our conditional parts first. We have to understand them. We have to deem them worthy or unworthy of our attention, accept them or reject them.  Conditions are made up of our beliefs.  Eventually our beliefs must become convictions or they should be tossed out. We can’t forget the second part and that is, acting on the truth of what we know.  That’s how beliefs become established as convictions. When we begin to act in accordance with what we say and think, we start to live truthfully. When we start to live truthfully, fears are dealt with. Fear only wants our attention, not our power. If we keep denying fear exists, it’s like saving it for a rainy day. If we just go ahead and accept fear as it is, fear is exposed for its illusory and transient nature. It is only then we can transcend it, and we only want to transcend fear, not kill it. 

A huge stumbling block on the path of freedom is making the mistake of confusing conditional freedom for Ultimate Freedom.  A common fear is the fear of giving away our power to someone else. A common goal is to take our power back. First we must examine the fear of losing our power. What is this power someone can take? Power is conditional.  If we feel someone has taken our power, it is usually because we feel they have restricted our freedom to say, do and think as we want. Again, the problem isn’t in the other person. The problem lies in our conditioning. 

There are certain “bargains” we make with each other. Here’s a most common one, “You take care of me and support me, and I’ll say, do and think as you wish.”  Now, it is not common for people to make this kind of bargain upfront. It is often a given, or an expectation and not usually discussed until someone does not like what someone else says, how they act or the way they think. We all have a tendency to want others do as we want them to do, to speak as we want them to and think as we want them to and depending on how far off they miss the mark, determines how much time and energy we give to that other person.  Those who please us more get more from us. It’s a power play. We give. We get. It’s a simple equation that just goes back and forth.  If you expect too much from me and I withdraw, who has the power now?  It is always hard to say who holds the power in relationships, because it is based on ever changing conditions. We need to just accept this for what it is.

If I am living in my parents’ home, regardless of my age, I must abide by their rules. If I can’t, than I am free to go. If I choose to stay and abide by their rules, am I not free? Yes, I am free. It is not the abiding by someone's  rules or desires that keeps us bound. It is the misunderstanding that lasting freedom will come through some condition. If I am unhappy with the rules or my parents and feel that I am not free to say, do and think as I please, why would I continue to stay? I would stay because the benefits I get from it outweigh the lack of freedom I experience or because I am afraid to really say, do and think as I please. Either way it’s based on conditions and conditional freedom. We are always giving our power away, and taking it back. It’s just a game. 

When we have taken our power back, when we have stood up to our parents, our teachers, our spouses, our friends, our culture, etc.; when we have found our voice, our minds and our hearts, when we have grown tired of paying the game of conditional freedom, we start to hunger for something more. We hunger for something permanent, something that is not a passing experience. Ultimate Freedom is not an experience. It is a truth to be realized that requires a radical shift in perception. Power has never been ours to give or to take. Ultimate Freedom reveals our powerlessness. Power is only there for us to use, as with everything else in existence. Power, abundance, strength, courage, love are all positive conditions. Use them freely. Play often, but play good games. Like attracts like. 

There is a saying, “Do one thing a day that scares you.” I think this a good practice for realizing Ultimate Freedom. Ultimate Freedom is freedom from the fears that keep us in the same old psychological grooves we have had for the aeons. Face your fears and break the chains that bind you.  Your conditioning will naturally change to reflect your new awareness. You’ll find a new groove and love more and fear less. Ultimate Freedom is already ours.

Do it Differently

The voices in my head continue to speak. In continuation of my exploration of Ultimate Freedom, a different concept to experiment with seems to come, as if from the ethers, each day. I am not questioning those voices, as thus far, they seem to be directing me into right alignment with my Self. The first day was the walking the path of least resistance and being open to life as it unfolds. Yesterday was finding beauty. Today the inspiration came to do things differently, whenever and wherever I could. Now, this was more challenging. Our conditioned patterns are so engrained in us that we don't even realize we have them.

I have been enjoying this yoga class in the afternoons, which is also offered in the morning, so I went to the morning class instead. Early mornings are chilly here until the sun heats things up around 10am, so my body was a little more stiff. I have been practicing Yoga for so long that I have a tendency to approach postures in my own particular way. I decided before class that I would do the practice exactly how the teacher instructed regardless. Some postures were more challenging for me because I got into them his way versus my way, and I discovered I also had some patterns in my body that needed undoing. I was grateful to find them. Now I have some new approaches that I feel will bring greater alignment to my body, but it was a struggle both physically and mentally to do them differently. Already in my plans was to move to a different guesthouse from where I had been staying, so that was a given to change. I am enjoying my new abode with his majestic mountaintop view of the Ganges, but packing up and moving seemed like a chore. I took a different route on my walk today. If I found myself naturally walking slow, I would speed up. If I found myself walking fast, I would slow down. Interestingly, I noticed that even these simple changes required effort to do.

The previous 2 days it was very easy to remember my set intention for the day. Today I kept forgetting that my intention was to do things differently. Our system isn't always open to change, even if it's small. I wasn't feeling that I was getting as much from this exercise as I had the others, so I decided I needed to make my intention stronger. Then the thought came to me, it is not my natural way to just go up and speak to strangers. Sometimes it's shyness on my part. Sometimes it's introspection, and sometimes I am just too self-absorbed to care what is going on with anyone else. When this thought came to me, I knew if I were to be following my own intention to things differently, then I would have to speak to some strangers.

I could feel the awkwardness well up about doing something out of character for me. "Oh, you silly woman," I thought to myself. You're a grown-up. People consider you a strong, courageous person, and you can't strike up a conversation with someone you don't know?" I am not one that often says no to a challenge, so I started with a woman, asking about a bag that she had. I sincerely liked it, so I asked her about it. She seemed happy to have someone to talk to, and our interaction was sweet. I saw a young man who seemed to be looking for something. He was trying to find the post office. I knew where it was. I felt good that I could help someone. I even tried to talk to someone, a man who wasn't interested in talking to me. It was a good mirror for me that showed how it is for someone else that wants to engage with me when I don't want to. It wasn't bad. I just shrugged it off. It was only an experiment, right? In all this, that is one of the things I am discovering, life is like an experiment to discover who we are.

Today didn't bring the same bliss the other two days' experiments brought, but it did bring more introspection. Conditioning and routine make life easier for us, but they can also keep us stuck at times. It is important to examine our patterns to see if they are serving us in any purposeful way or just creating road blocks for us. We don't have to work on ourselves. We don't need to fix ourselves. We only to be open to life, look for the beauty in it and be willing to find a new groove if the old one is too worn to be of any use any longer. There is nothing to do. It has already been done, so just relax and be with what IS. 

I am excited to see what the voices tell me tomorrow.

Finding Beauty

I am on a mission of sorts here in Rishikesh. Not only have I left everything and everybody back home in the US, I have now left everyone here in India. I took off by myself for bit here in India to explore Ultimate Freedom. I have no worries and no responsibilities. I have no obligations to anything or anyone. I have no schedule. I can stay as long as want and leave whenever I want to. I can spend my time howsoever I please, wheresoever I please. Now, breathe that in. Sounds pretty awesome, right? Every now and then I have to pinch myself to make sure I am still me.

I am most grateful for this opportunity, and I want to get the most juice out of this experience as I can possibly squeeze out of it. Each morning after my daily routine of sadhana, I set an intention for what I would like to explore for the day. I want to test all my beliefs and concepts so that they become convictions. If my beliefs or concepts fail my tests, then I want to drop them once and for all. I am downsizing my belief system, so to speak.  Yesterday, I explored the path of least resistance to see what it was like being open to everything within reason. I discovered that life is much more joyful and juicy when you engage with it.

Today, I went out to look for beauty wherever I could find it. I asked myself where was the most beautiful place I could go and what was the most beautiful experience I could think to have. The answer came, "taking a dip in the Ganges at the rocky beach near Ram Jhula." I also decided that morning was the most beautiful time of day, and the most beautiful walk I knew of was the quiet pat along the river between Laxman and Ram Jhula. It's a long walk from where I am staying to where I was going, so I knew I would encounter many beautiful things, so I decided to visually document the beauty that I knew would unfold for me. I put my camera in my pocket, and off I went in search of beauty.

The sun had already peaked up over the mountaintop, and it's glistening hues of pink greeted me as I turned the corner onto the main road. As I winded down the steep, rocky path of broken road, the soft sounds of morning sung to my ears. Birds chirped, cows mooed, people chattered and rickshaws sputtered. Turning a corner a statue of Hanuman, that I must have passed a dozen times before and not seen, caught my attention for the first time. With his hands folded in prayer, it was as if he was blessing me on search for beauty. I noticed the sweetness of his smile and the humbleness portrayed on his face. I was touched by his beauty.

I saw countless signs of beauty everywhere I looked. It was like a new world had opened up for me today. It wasn't that I didn't think yesterday that this was a beautiful place. Who doesn't think Rishikesh is beautiful? It was like I was seeing it with different eyes. I don't know how this inspiration came to me to set these intentions. How does any inspiration come? They just come and if we are open, we act on them. So far in my exploration of Ultimate Freedom, I am learning to live life more juicy.