Humility

Humility is a virtue that saves us when faced with the powerlessness of evolution. The Holy Design for the entire universe is evolution. Everything in nature is cooperating in accordance with Divine Order to make the world more hospitable for all it's creatures. Sometimes that is hard to see in the midst of chaos and suffering, but we must not lose faith.

It is when we are out of balance with Nature, when we are resisting the flow, and when we are acting out of fear rather than from love, that we suffer. It is impossible to manipulate Divine Order, yet we continue to struggle for control rather than accept it's design. Often it is only when we go into the depths of crisis, when something devastating occurs, that we realize the powerlessness we have over Natural Law.  

There is an order and balance in the universe that coexists with an unyielding unpredictability beyond human control. Just as the tides roll, the sun sets, the moon rises and the rains come, life flows without our direction. We are intrinsically wired with the urge for wholeness and if we tune in, we realize this is our motivating force. It takes humility to recognize we are only the center of our own tiny, little, microscopic universe amongst an infinite number of other tiny, little microscopic universes in the One Universe we are merely a particle of.

Evolution is a universal project. Ego likes to believe this is a personal goal. While the spiritual journey may be a personal one, it is only personal to the individual "I."  We are all simply playing our individual roles in a collective transformation of Consciousness. Wholeness is the urge of the Universe; therefore, individual plans are secondary. If we can accept our roles dutifully, if we can see the beauty and respect the Holy Design of Nature, we will find ourselves celebrating our existence. If we can can answer the call to be the most loving people we can be, we will find ourselves in a state of humility bathing in a sea of infinite love and acceptance.

Power of Choice

What a difference a year makes. Last fall I landed in a new town. Literally, that was what it felt like, a landing. I arrived back to the States from a 6 month journey in India not knowing what I wanted to do or where I wanted to live. All arrows pointed to Aiken, South Carolina. Since arrows pointing versus a "pin the tail on the donkey" choice seemed the wiser of the two, here I find myself 15 months later with a brand new life beyond my imagination.  And that is real life... existing beyond the limitations of our imagination. 

I had been in search of freedom, becoming less and less attached to things, to people, to comfort zones, but I still wasn't liberated. I have discovered something new this past year. I think I was approaching detachment from the wrong perspective. What keeps us bound are our thoughts and beliefs, not our things, our relationships or our comfort zones. We experience limitations, because we believe our thoughts.

The mind is like a computer. We must be aware of what we are downloading into it. Discernment is a powerful tool. Decide to accept and reject. We need to free ourselves from the limitations we have accepted in the here and now. Freedom will never happen in the future, as it is an awareness of the moment. A new thought is like soft clay. It can be reshaped. An old thought fired in the kiln of our emotions has to be broken with a sledge hammer.

I find myself more entangled with the world at present, more commitments and more responsibilities than in my "freedom searching" years; however, I have found greater freedom in my newly entangled life. Interesting, when you are not searching for something, you are more likely to happen upon it. A few months ago a good friend reminded me something about myself and gave me some powerful advice. She said, "You need to always remember you have an amazing endurance for accepting things that don't work for you."  It really made me think. Do I want to endure my life, or do I want to live it? I choose to live it.

Don't get me wrong. Acceptance is important. Without it we would surely go mad, as most events that occur in our life are beyond our control. But we don't have to accept our imagined limitations. Imagination has countless building blocks. We can use them to build walls that close us in or doorways that open us to the expansiveness of life.

Confusion can be a very good thing. It takes away the security that we have all the answers in our pocket. Freedom from concepts allows new experience. Preconceived ideas keep out truth. The need to believe something often interferes with our reasoning, as we have a tendency to believe what we want to believe. Observation is the most helpful tool in freeing ourselves from preconceived ideas and beliefs. We suffer from undirected, uncultivated minds, such an unnecessary waste of life.

Mind as the interpreter is a very tricky thing, as it only hears what it wants to hear. The chattering of the subconscious can be loud and overpowering. Reflection is the key. Sit and watch your mind. Deal with what comes up. Use your power of choice and be discriminant of the thoughts you entertain. Don't allow mind to spin out of control with negative thoughts and fears. Feel passionately in the moment, but release emotions attached to the past.

We learn from making mistakes. Learn from them, but stop repeating them. Be clear on what you know versus what you have simply intellectualized. When you intellectualize, you pretend to yourself you know. True knowing leads to action. Watch your actions to understand what you truly know. It's best not to waste time on questions that can't be answered. Self-mastery is the key to liberation. 

Spend a few moments before going to sleep to clear your mind. The thoughts you are holding onto when you fall asleep are the thoughts that most strongly affect your subconscious. Gratitude keeps us in divine flow. Forgiveness is love manifest. I go to sleep this evening with my heart overflowing gratitude for my rich, full life, for all my entanglements with the world, for all my freedom, for all my mistakes, and all the my successes. As my mind defragments from the day, forgiveness wells up in my consciousness for the holy mess I am, for the holy mess I create and for the holy mess caused by others. Perfection cannot manifest on the human level. God does not work for us. God works through us. The right choice always is simply seek God.

Common Sense

The road to happiness is paved by none other than your own common sense. Most things in life are not as they appear and almost everything in this world of illusion is a lie. There are truths covering lies, and lies covering truths. We prefer to believe what we think will protect us from the fears that we hold onto rather than developing the courage to view things as they truly are. And it never works to our advantage. Yet, we continue to do so against our common sense.

We know, and we know we know. Our common sense knows the truth. It is our belief systems that are often quite faulty. What is true, is true and will hold up to any skepticism or interrogation.  The lies that we tell our self to protect our image and the lies that others tell us to protect their image, cannot hold a candle to the light of truth. If we can accept the fact that we lie to our self and that others will lie to us, the lies that we believe will simply dissipate when we choose not to believe them any longer. Yes, it's a choice.

Common sense is that voice inside that doesn't waiver. It is the voice that tells us when we are too much, when we are too emotionally indulgent, when we spend too much, when we eat too much, when we drink too much... when we are wasting our time, energy and money. Our common sense does not need any acceptance, support or validation. It is simply present with it's wisdom. We waste our time, energy and money on attempting to accept, support and validate the lies we choose to believe, because we want to be accepted, because we are afraid to open the wounds where we have been hurt, because we need validation of our presence rather than simply being present. 

We cannot believe that we are enough, that the world is enough, that we have enough. We cannot accept that we are already smart enough, beautiful enough and rich enough. However, we believe others when they tell us we are not good enough. We believe a societal norm that says we do not have enough. We believe our self, that we are not lovable enough. Common sense knows this is not true. Common sense knows that's it's all okay, that we are okay and that the world is okay.

Common sense understands and trusts Divine Order. Fear knows only chaos and trusts nothing. Fear is the shaking, quivering voice that tells us we are prey and the world is our predator. And it's simply just not true. The only way to hear the voice of our own common sense is to stop lending our ears to the screaming and ranting of our fears. Common sense is like the sound of a steady drum beat. Fear is like the screeching of a wounded animal. Choose which you prefer to listen to and turn your ears that direction. Follow the drum beat of your own common sense and your fears will settle in the backseat. Life is not always easy, not always beautiful, not always clean. Sometimes it's hard and ugly and messy. When life is sweet, stop and celebrate it. When life is difficult, just keep walking on the path and let common sense be your guide.

Thought Vibrations

You can never be where God is not, but you will never find God unless you are seeking God.

However, God is always seeking you, drawing you in. We are shown the way by loving ourselves and others instead of judging, by letting go versus clinging, by accepting what is rather than struggling to change it, by living in accordance with the laws of Nature, with the still, quiet voice that knows the truth of ourselves.

Wicked, crazy full moon last week seems to have stirred the cosmic pot. There is a valid intellectual argument for the concept of free will, but I don't think there is any rationale that supports a belief that we control the setting of the sun, the rising of the moon, the pull of tides or the direction of the wind. As I watched the chaos going on in the world, in the world at large and in my circle of the world, in the hearts and minds of those I care for and in my own heart and mind, I began to wonder why. Why so much chaos? Why so much suffering?

Do we or can we create suffering? Yes, we most definitely can and do. God creates through the powers of the Universe. We create through thought. The thoughts we hold onto manifest around us. We cannot control the thoughts that come to us, but we can give direction to them. We can let go of the thoughts that create harm. Every good thing we do, every good thing we say, every good thing we think surrounds us and vibrates outward. Through dedicated intention we can consciously choose the thoughts we hold onto, the activities we participate in, the people we surround ourselves with. We cannot control the events that happen in our lives but through the thoughts we hold, we are helping to create the conditions around us. Suffering happens in the mind. Want to change your life? You've got to change your mind.

Om Ah Hung

Only think good thoughts, say good things and do good deeds.

Eventually, we are all faced with the decision to stay a slave of  our self-centered nature or to surrender to the Divine Nature that is guiding us. In the end, it all goes according to Divine Order anyway. Our attempts to struggle against it is the suffering we experience. It is just that the our self-absorbed, fearful, clinging ego wants what it wants. If we can simply remember to be truthful, to love and to serve, we don't have worry about what is right or wrong, whether we are doing good or not. There is evil in the world because we lie to ourselves and others, because we are afraid to love, because we want to control. What someone else thinks, says or does is not up to us and no matter how close they are to us, we can do nothing to change them or fix them. We all must stop struggling, judging and fighting with each other. Truly, if we can't love and support each other, then we should stay away from each other until we can.

The "work" is internal. Our issues are not someone else's fault. Our issues come from the places within our self that are not wholesome, where we don't accept our self, where there is no love. Every time we point the finger at someone else, we miss an opportunity to grow. There is just too much negativity in the world. We all need to pull our acts together. The time is now to create the conditions so that good flourishes. Thoughts are vibrations that have the power we give them. Don't waste your power to defeat yourself and others. Let's use our power for the greater good. Every encouraging, kind word, every act of service, every loving gesture, every expression of admiration, every nurturing touch, every compassionate thought, every single good vibration we send out manifests more of the same.

Om Ah Hung

Essentialism

I have never thought of myself as an existentialist, but often I have been asked if I am. I think I may be part existentialist and part "essentialist."--Sort of the way I am a Hindu/Buddhist/Christian/Pagan. The most common definition of existentialism is: a philosophical theory or approach that emphasizes the existence of the individual person as a free and responsible agent determine their own development through acts of the will. 

 I agree with the first part of the statement but not the part about determining our own development through the act of the will. It is my conviction all happens through God's Will. I also don't believe we create our own reality. We may create our own heaven or hell, but not our reality. Reality is a given we have no control over. 

Another aspect of existentialism I agree with is the concept of the here and now and living life as if there is no tomorrow. However, I am not convinced that life as we experience it is all that there is. What is beyond the physical/mental/emotional world of experience is the essence of who we are, the background of everything.  It is called the Void, Nothingness, Truth, Pure Awareness--that which is indescribable--that which is everything and nothing at that the same time.

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I am presently enjoying a book, The Five Things We Cannot Change, written by David Richo, a western psychotherapist with a Buddhist perspective.  I read this passage over and over again today, as I found it a beautiful expression and profound articulation of a subtle awareness.

"Existential reality is conditioned by it's moment and our mood; thus what we experience conditionally. Essential reality is the ground, unconditioned. Existential realty faces us right now.The essential reality is not visible until we shift into it. The challenge is to stay steadfastly with the here and now existential reality, however unsavory, while the essential Truth--always comforting--hovers in the wings awaiting the audience that will happen in it's own time."

We cannot control what happens to us in life.  We cannot protect ourselves from being hurt. We cannot escape the darkness anymore than we can escape the light. One thing we can trust for sure is that everything eventually changes. We cannot be miserable forever, anymore than we can be happy forever. The challenge in life is to embrace it, all of it. It is our resistance to the experiences and events that happen in our lives that create hell. We cannot avoid suffering, but there is freedom even in suffering when we know our essence is never affected and always there shining, ever radiant, ever pure. We must reach beyond heaven and hell, reach beyond our thoughts and experiences to rest in Truth.

Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Svaha

Going, going, going on beyond. Always going on beyond. Always becoming Buddha.

Restlessness

Restlessness has been hanging around my back door lately. When she is content, she just lies in the backyard looking up at the sky. She dreams in the daytime and counts the stars at night. Ever hungry for attention, and in ever need of a thrill, she and Passion are soul-mates. Mostly, I enjoy her company; however, she does tend to stir the pot.  She reminds me not to spend too much time with Complacency, such a dreadful old bore. Unfortunately, she can relentlessly argue with Order and Discipline.

While I was in the mist of a few big projects a couple of weeks ago, apparently Restlessness had felt ignored. It's true I hadn't been thinking of her much recently. Scared the heebeejeebees out of me, she about did! Around midnight one night, she poked her head around the corner while I was intensely focused, writing at the computer. In that sort of raspy, enchanting voice of hers, with a slight inflection of teasing, she asked, "Watcha doin'? Haven't seen much of you lately. Where ya been?" Knowing that she was not one to be  ignored, I shut down the computer, poured us a glass a wine and went outside with her to count the stars. We reminisced about our travels, trials and tribulations. We laughed those big belly laughs about all the trouble we've gotten into and all the trouble we've caused. She poked fun at Order and Discipline, and as usual, I defended them. I told her without them we simply could not survive and requested her to find some way to get along with them. She said, "Perhaps I could learn to get along with them if they stopped hanging out with Practically all the time, as we have not one thing in common."

I don't argue with Restlessness. I just let her be. I have discovered that arguing with her or trying to squelch her enthusiasm only makes her more determined. Besides, I like her fire, and the company she keeps. Passion is quite a charming fellow. Inquisitive by nature, she goes through my journals and my photographs. She reads my emails, interprets my doodlings and shreds my to-do-lists.  I keep finding notes, quotes and images about exotic places and mystical peoples falling out of a book, flashing on the computer screen or imprinted on the inside of my eyelids.  It seems Restlessness and I have some unfinished business to attend. 

At the end of another busy week, she reminds me how I despise busy-ness.  A true temptress, she is... I heard her knocking at the door a long time before I opened it, knowing the swirling currents of change that travel with her. But old friends are old friends... The door is always open. She arrives dressed in leather in lace. In one hand she holds a tube of pink hair dye with a sexy pair ankle strap wedges dangling from two fingers and in the other gripping my favorite bottle of red wine. With an impish grin, she asks, "Wanna take a walk on the wild side or are you too busy tonight." I ask her, "Are you not happy?" She replies, "I am quite happy. I am not concerned about my happiness, but yours. You will not be happy if I get lost in your to-do-list. You will not be happy without me. I am you." In that moment I remembered how much I loved her, put a streak of pink in my hair, laced up those ankle straps and uncorked the wine!

What we resist persists. What we embrace, embraces us.  Integration is the key to becoming whole. To be whole, we must love our self. To love our self, we must understand our self.  To understand our self, we must simply not hide from our our self. Wherever you are, whoever you are,  just be yourself... and be the soul of that place. 

Forgiving

Do you want to be right or be happy?  The inability to forgive ourselves and others is what keeps us in a state of duality rather than Oneness. When we fail to forgive it is because our ego is in conflict with our Spirit. Our ego wants to judge and blame. Our Spirit sees only purity and innocence. Arguing with our Self is a loosing battle. The parts of ourselves that are unkind and unforgiving are not our faults. They are our wounds. Ego does not need to win. Ego needs to heal.

For our wounds to heal, we must accept the ugly parts of ourselves. When realize we are just as much capable of inflicting wounds as we are feeling the wounds inflicted upon us, an opening in our consciousness enables us to see cords of connection to each other rather than walls of separation; And compassion blooms. It is this conscious part of us, that can forgive. We may never forget where we buried the hatchet, but we can rewrite the story.

It is the stories we hold onto that create the grooves in our psyche the define our wholesomeness or our fragmentation. Spirit does not see a victim or a villain. Spirit only knows love. Ego only knows fear. If our mind is oriented in the ego's needs, wants and desires, we continue to fuel fear. When the mind becomes oriented in Spirit, we serve love. We cannot serve to masters.

We can read all the books, take all the workshops, philosophize with all greatest minds but until we gain some self-mastery over our mind and mind becomes aligned with Spirit, we are merely swimming in a lost sea of suffering. Let go of the idea that you can fix your ego. You can't be fixed. Accept the holy mess that you and everyone else is, and just move on. 

Forgiveness is "selective remembering." Be conscious how you write your stories. Do you want to remember the love or the pain?  It truly is your choice. Do you want live in fear and build walls to keep you isolated from existence, or do you want to live in love merging in an ocean of divine bliss?  When forgiveness knocks at your door, ask yourself, "Do I want to be right or be happy?  If happiness is what you truly want, then ego will have to accept being wrong. If ego can't accept being wrong, you are not even ready to bury the hatchet. Don't kid yourself.  Mind must be in right alignment first. When our thoughts and actions are directed toward God, mind aligns. Serve, Love, Meditate, Realize... Forgive.

Leaping

She Could Not Be Reached
 "I go where no man has trod before, 
Where no system can follow, 
A place where passion awaits those, 
Who go beyond the barriers of 
Superficial man-made dreams."

~Jane Evershed

It has been awhile since I have been focused and still enough to write. I have been teetering on an edge for quite some time, and last week it seems I leaped. This morning I sit alone with my stillness reflecting on the last few weeks. The reality of my choices is making it's debut appearance. It is interesting how many distractions I can find when fear is knocking on my door. 

Void of distractions this morning, I am in a contemplative mood carefully checking for damage from the free fall. A few bumps and bruises but thus far, I find no permanent injury. I am realizing that I have been more anxious than I had allowed myself to think about, and it is funny how little I think while leaping. The butterflies in my stomach are settling down and a calmness is soothing my system, as some clarity is dawning through this stillness.

Why do we do what we do? This is such penetrating question. Another one is, "Why don't we explore more often why we do what we do?" Until we step back and observe our monkey mind, we can never know. We will continue to be subject to our own whims and fancies, our distractions and most of all our deeply embedded behavior patterns. The endless cycle of unconsciously living our life perpetuates more of the same thing, over and over again.  

We continually busy ourselves with so many things that it is nearly impossible to actually be with our self long enough to give any sincere, conscious direction to our lives. We just blindly follow one behavior pattern after the other without questioning what it is we are doing.  We are driven by what we desire. Difficulty is most of us are not clear enough to know what it is we truly desire. We all want to be happy, but we often fail miserably at realizing what makes us happy. We spin our wheels fulfilling our fleeting desires, because we are too afraid to be unhappy for even a moment. Reality is we can never maintain constant happiness, nor can we hold onto unhappiness forever. All emotions are as fleeting as our desires. 

Change is scary, and growth can be uncomfortable; but if you keep reaching outside your comfort zone, one day you will reach it. There is such beauty and wonder in new beginnings, but new beginnings often require a leap. Pay attention to the free fall, that's where you learn what you are made of; and when stripped of our facades, we are all made of the same stuff.  If you can find yourself in your center in the center of uncertainty, then you have found yourself. Until then you are simply entertaining your monkey mind. 

Yoga Has No Boundries

This is great article and well written,  
Why I left Yoga by Irasna Rising. It does make you think about the eastern view of western Yoga. I agree with a lot of what the author says, but I also see the other side to this as well. I am a western yogini, no matter what Indian thinks I am just a "wannabe." I started practicing Yoga almost 30 years ago, when it wasn't cool. It was just considered weird. And I didn't start on a Yoga mat. I started on a meditation cushion. Hatha Yoga came afterwards.

I moved to an ashram when I didn't even know what an ashram was. I just wanted to be around people who didn't think I was so weird. I received my Yoga teacher's "certificate" 24 years ago through a residential "training." I was given a spiritual name at the end of that training. I took on the name (changed it legally) as an outward expression of renouncing my old lifestyle and beginning a yogic life. My name reminds me of my vow, my vow between me and God... not between me and the world. There are many American yoginis and yogis like me that Yoga has taken it's hold of and has not let go. We may or may not be recognized, and it's not important. It's not an outward journey. It's an inward journey.

I have spent a lot of time in India. I love India. I had always wanted to go. The first time I saw a picture of Ganesha I fell in love with his image. I don't know why I am pulled to what I am pulled to. I just know that I am, and I follow my heart. I often get the feeling from some Indians, that they think westerners who come to India are lost and that we came to be guided. In fact, they believe we will just empty our pockets at the feet of anyone who tells us that they can guide us. Truth is, we are not any less spiritually ignorant or more spiritually enlightened than Indians. I see just as many Indians emptying their pockets at that feet of charlatans. 

When you travel to another country to experience another culture, the traveler gets more from the experience if they just try and go along with that culture's traditions instead of resisting them. Often what seems as us pretending to be Indian is merely our attempts at being polite. You encourage us see your temples, eat your food, wear your bindi's, don your saris and touch your gurus feet, but when we do, you laugh at us behind our backs? How yogic like. I don't believe the majority of Indians feel this way, but some do. Generalizations are often too harsh. Some people are just gullible, some aren't. That's true in every culture. People are just people. It takes all kinds everywhere. 

India doesn't own Yoga. It is true that the West seems to be bastardizing Yoga, but I see the same thing happening in India. It's seems just about every corner in Rishikesh has a Yoga teacher's training. India is on the Yoga trend capitalizing just as much as America. Instead of pitting East against West on who is teaching Yoga the better way, why don't we just practice from the roots of Yoga's teachings?... Ahimsa, Asteya, Brachmacharya, Aparigraha, Satya. Oops, there I do that too... use Sanskrit words. I was taught, and I agree, that the Sanksrit language has a sacredness to it. It is not a language for mundane communication but one to communicate spiritual concepts. When I say, non-violence, non-stealing, chastity, non-attachment and truthfulness, it just doesn't have the same feel. However, more people understand what I am saying. I use both, so that the Sanskrit meaning doesn't get watered down. That is part of how I honor the tradition. 

Yoga doesn't need our policing. Yoga will blossom wherever a seed is planted and in any soil. That flower may look different depending on the soil, water and air it is given, but somewhere, even in a puffed up, ego maniac like Bikram Choudry there's a seed. It may be a few lifetimes for that seed to blossom, but it's there underneath the layers of mud. 

A lot of the West may be practicing for the "wrong" reasons. My students come to class for many different reasons and for some, yes, it's for a "Yoga butt." I don't care why they come. I just teach in the honor of the tradition in which it was shared with me. That's is the intention I set before every class. It is not up to me how Yoga organically unfolds in their lives. I just know it will. In 2 days, 2 months, 2 years or 2 lifetimes, eventually that seed will flower. 

Om Shanti, everybody. Peace, everybody. Yoga means union. Let's not be divided by it. 

Nohwere

There is nowhere to go and nothing to hang onto. It seems ego either wants to cling or flee. But... "Wherever you go, there you are." It is the courageous soul that let's go of that last branch and gives into the flow of the raging river. It takes fearlessness to stay awake in the face of death and impermanence. It is in the midst of chaos, uncertainty and unpredictability that we learn how to embrace life. It is when we embrace life, not when we cling to it or resist it, that we actually begin to live it. It is in groundlessness that we find our ground. When we are willing to risk it all for freedom, we find it. Freedom is not an experience. It is a state of being. There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. It has all already been done. We only awaken to the awareness of our "Beingness."

Juniper Berry Mud Pie

You know that beautiful moment when you remember life is as juicy as it ever was?  How is that just the sight of a twisted juniper tree can conjure a memory complete with full sensory amplification and transport me to a time long ago? I had a magical walk as the sun was sinking in the sky tonight.

I was feeling exhausted, with an achy back and a head full of pollen, when I returned home from work this evening. I plopped myself down in the chair where I had fully intended to spend the rest of my evening. The warm, spring breeze was softly blowing through the open window and the sunlight glistened creating rainbows as it reflected through the crystal hanging above.  My breath became slower and deeper as my mind shifted gears and my body settled into relaxation mode. This is what I had been waiting for all day, the time in space where there was nothing to be done, no one that wanted anything from me, nor me anything from them. Well, almost no one. 

There she sat on the couch across from me staring at me with those gentle amber eyes and ears all perky at attention. I swear sometimes my dog, Izzy, looks like she's smiling. She was happy I was home but even more so, she was anticipating her evening walk. Didn't she know how tired and sore I was, how hard I had been working, how much I just wanted to sit and do nothing? No, she didn't, but I knew she would forgive me and forget about it in a little while anyway. As I sat relaxing with a cup of tea, Izzy also relaxed. She sunk into the couch with a surrendering sigh. Her gaze went out into space, her perky ears dropped and her smile slipped away as she accepted her fate in the moment. Picking up on my vibration, she had shifted gears. As I watched my low energy vibration be reflected back to me from her, I thought to myself, "Sometimes I wish I could just be as happy and forgiving as Izzy. Instead of her lowering to my vibration, perhaps I should rise to hers."

Shantji's voice rang in my ears, "You can do anything for 10 minutes." I decided I could go on a short walk. I told Izzy we weren't going to the woods because then I would have to put on shoes, and flip flops were all the effort I could muster up. The only thing she understood was that we were going, and that's all that mattered to her. Bridling her excitement as best she could, Izzy picked up on my lethargy and walked slow and easy, not her usual style. As we wandered up the street, I began to notice the bright, happy colors of the spring flowers blossoming and the golden light shining through the trees, and I felt my load lightening. My eyes fell upon two juniper trees guarding the opening of a driveway. Funny I never noticed them before, as I walk that street almost daily. Their branches were twisted in the most unusual of ways, and their needles spread out in the shape of huge fans. I stopped and stared as memories flooded my awareness. 

Even the smell of the juniper berries I used to decorate my mud pies came to me, just as sharp as it ever was. In the empty lot next to my grandparents house, I had my own magical kingdom. Probably not more than a 1/4 acre but to me as a kid, it was a vast forest, of which I was the queen. It was the huge juniper tree that was my kitchen where my grandparents proclaimed the best mud pies in St. Augustine came from . My grandmother would save her old pie tins for me. I would pack them with sandy, Florida soil that I would ever so diligently stir to perfection with sulfur water. My specialty was Juniper Berry Mud Pie, and I would serve them up on a palm fawn. Siding them out from underneath the huge fan of juniper needles that opened the carry out window of my restaurant, I would yell out to my grandparents, "Come and get 'em while their fresh, Mimi and Dada, before the Wooliemajiggers eat them all." And they would always come, and ooh and awe over how delicious my pies were, never questioning me what a Wooliemajigger was.

The sweet memory of my grandparents and my magical kingdom made me want to visit the woods. Although my back was still hurting and I was wearing flip flops, somehow it didn't matter anymore. I was reminded how juicy the woods are. Somewhere in the doldrums of the day, I had forgotten. With a little more spring in my step, I headed to the woods. Approaching the woods, I notice a few Daffodils had sprung up looking like they were lining an entry way into the woods. I think this happened naturally. It's no one's property and it's not cared for in anyway. It's just the side of the road. I could smell them as soon as I could see them. I reached to pick one and took a big whiff of it's sweet smell. Then I remembered this was the exact same place where just 3 months ago I found Narcissus growing. They seemed to be growing in the same odd place.

The Narcissus has a most  profound memory for me. I don't think I had ever smelled them before I went to Iowa to live at a huge ashram many years ago. There were things about that place I liked, but mostly I never felt at home there. There weren't many comforts and the winter was brutal. Strangely enough, one of my fondest memories of the ashram was at Christmas time. Huge pots of  Narcissus were everywhere inside doorways, and decorating the sitting areas and meditation halls. Something about their intoxicating scent made me forget it was 40 below outside, and I was homesick. It's like they have some wonderful, magical power over me.

I headed into the woods with my happy dog and my intoxicating Daffodil in hand, along with my aching back and pollen filled head. No, it didn't go away, but it didn't matter anymore. It seems I can either focus on what needs to be fixed or coddled or changed or I can just skip off into the forest and get intoxicated by Nature, but I can't seem to do both at the same time. Life can be as juicy as we want it to be, but we must develop the art of tasting, smelling, seeing and touching the beauty around us. Preoccupation with anything other than what is right now, sucks the juice out of the moment.  All experiences, memories and thoughts are fleeting. Savor what brings you pleasure but don't try to hold onto it. Endure what you can't enjoy, but don't get sucked into it. Nothing lasts forever. Find a magical kingdom, filled with intoxicating flowers. Go there often and make juniper berry mud pies. Nothing is as important as you think it is. Viva la Juicy! 

The Blame Game

After a restless night of sleep because of some mellow-drama I allowed myself to get involved in, I was feeling hurt, misunderstood and sad. Thank God for the order of discipline that somehow seems to stick with me, for without it I might have wallowed around in self pity all day. I got up and began my morning ritual of lighting a candle for God, chanting, pranayama and meditation while tears came and went.  I was mostly upset with myself for going "down in the mud" with someone yesterday, as I have made a strong intention to just move on from people and situations that are not harmonious instead of staying and fighting, which tends to be my default behavior.  There are no winners in the blame game, regardless if you are blaming yourself or others.

Blaming is a way we try to protect our heart, that soft, vulnerable, tender part of our self.  Regardless of how tough we are, within everyone is that soft spot. All growth comes from that soft spot; however, it is so sensitive that often we feel uncomfortable, and sometimes even pain, when it is touched. So we try and hide it to protect it. When we stop blaming ourselves and others long enough, a space opens to  feel our heart, and we discover the wounds that lie underneath the protective shell that blaming builds. As long as we need to feel right or wrong, we continue to build layers of  that protective shell.

I quit drinking my beloved coffee 2 weeks ago, as I have been cleansing. This morning, feeling the need to feel better, I made myself a huge cup. Sitting in my chair hugging my huge cup of coffee, looking out the window at the beautiful sunshine and listening to the birds singing, I attempted to pull myself together by planning what I need to do today. As my mind began it's course of distraction into doing mode versus the feeling mode I was stuck in, Grace seemed to take over. I write all the time. I find my journals all over my house. Yesterday I found one stuck in an odd place, and I moved it over to a collection of books I keep by my meditation spot. I reached down in my stack of books to find something inspiring to read, and my hand landed on that journal. Out of it, fell a chart of the energetic system of the body. I had been wanting to find a good chart on Sen Lines for my upcoming Thai Massage workshop. This was exactly what I needed. I don't know why it was in this journal or even remember where it came from. This sparked my curiosity about the journal.

I opened the journal to the first page dated November 2012, and the first line in it was this quote:

"There are no justified resentments."

 I don't know where this quote is from or if the preceding writing is mine or something I read, but it was exactly what needed hear.

"If I am responsible, even in some small way, for the negativity I am experiencing then I can go to work to change it. If someone or something else is responsible, then I will have to wait for them to change it before I will feel better. If I can take some responsibility for my pain, then I can take some responsibility for removing it. Blaming leaves me powerless. Resentment will destroy me. Why would I allow something that belongs to someone else to be a source of resentment, a source of self-destruction? When I feel offended, I am practicing judgement. When judging someone else to be stupid, insensitive, rude, arrogant, inconsiderate or foolish, I am offended by their conduct. When I judge another person, I do not define them, I define myself as someone who needs to judge others."

Wherever this came from, I am feeling grateful for the wisdom. Thank you, God.

Dear You

Dear You,

Now is the time to follow your heart's deepest calling. 

                            Sincerely,

                            Faith


If you protect yourself, you will never be free. Life is  messy. We sweat. We bleed. We cry. We scream. No more than we can hold back our sweat, can we hold back our tears. If a good day to you means that you got through it without getting hurt, you are on the run afraid to face your life, afraid of your own self.

It takes a tremendous amount of energy to protect oneself on a daily basis. We lock ourselves up within the confines of our own psyche.  That stuck energy turns into a breeding ground for a sickness that will ultimately suck the life out of us.  And to cure that sickness, we only need to sweat and bleed and cry and scream, so that we can breathe and let go.

Because we don't want to sweat or bleed or cry or scream, we run into the woods, put our head under the covers or put up one of those imaginary shields of protection, like resentment, arrogance, coldness and indifference.  When we realize that what it is we are protecting is merely an image, the concept we have of our self, it doesn't seem to be worth the energy it takes to protect it. A house of cards will never be more than a house of cards. We know eventually it will be blown away. Even the slightest disturbance can send it tumbling down. Our problems don't stem from the events that happen. Our problems stem from the inability to handle them. If our house of cards gets blown away, who is still left standing? You.

You are still there, and the you that is still there was not harmed. A feeling of loss would be experienced and that might be painful, but you already knew it was inevitable, right?  We are fighting a loosing battle to protect the illusion of ourselves and our perceptions we so dearly hold onto. The battle is over when we accept the world as the mess it is, when we accept ourselves as the mess we are, and embrace our sweating, bleeding, crying and screaming.

The only way we can create our own reality is by realizing what is real. From that place of wholeness, from that place of unprotected sweating, bleeding, crying, screaming openness we become raw enough, fearless enough, genuine enough to recognize it. We cannot control the energies, the thoughts and the feelings that come through us, but we can write our own story. We write our story of the experiences of our life from the perceptions we have of them. If we cannot shift our focus past the disturbances of energies continually bombarding us, then we will always feel disturbed, always be afraid and never be free. If we can turn our attention to what does work in our lives, be grateful for the joys we do experience and drink in all the beauty that surrounds us, we can live a life beyond our wildest imaginings. The price for freedom is a high one.  We must be willing to disappear by letting go of the stories that made us up and that hold us down. Our stories are our cages. Open the door and fly free.

.

Angels Amoung Us

It was interesting watching myself stereotype a family tonight and have them prove me wrong about my judgements. Last thing I want to do at the end of a long day is go to the grocery store, but Izzy was out of dog food. I had no choice. All I wanted to do was to get my few items and get out. It was almost 7pm and I could tell from the parking lot the store was packed. As usual there were only a few lanes open, and I picked the slow lane.

In front of me was a mother with her 3 children. The older daughter looked to be around 12 and the younger one around 9. The son was probably about 6. From the way they were dressed I would guess they were Mennonites or from some Christian conservative group. The Mom wore no makeup. Her and the girls wore ankle length skirts and had their hair pulled back. I noticed how I judged them when I saw them. Wondering what is the purpose for dressing so matronly and imagining they were probably home schooled, over protected and not given any freedom to be themselves.

I was exhausted from the day, and I am sure I looked it. I also probably looked impatient. The older girly turned to me, and I think tuned into to me. She gave me the sweetest smile and said, "It is really busy in here tonight isn't it? It has been such a long day. I can't wait to get home and home and eat my dinner." Exactly all of my thoughts, but delivered in such a sweet way. All three children were helping their mother with taking things from the cart and putting the bagged items back in it. The daughter apparently got that sweet smile and soothing voice from her mother, because her mother was just as charming. She asked me how I cooked something I had in my cart and ask if I fared the recent ice storm okay. The boy proudly showed me his new motorcycle toy, and with great excitement, giggling all the while, the younger of the two sisters explained to me how the toy worked and what her brother was going to do with it. They made me laugh with their excitement over it.

With such harmony I watched this family complete their task together. With such sweetness they dealt with the clerk. With such sincere interest they connected with me. Did that little girl know I had a long day and was feeling impatient? Did that mother know I needed to see a warm smile and hear a friendly voice? I was touched by a family of little of angels, I felt. Ashamed of myself for my judgements and impatience, but grateful to be shown something beautiful anyway. I don't know if they were Mennonites, Amish, Conservative Christians or Angels, but I was kissed by their sweetness and I imagine that I won't be so quick to judge next time. If being home schooled and looking matronly has such a positive effect, I think I need to buy some ankle length skirts and pull my hair back.

Breathing & Being

Have you ever noticed how the world slows down when you close your eyes and deepen

your breath? Lately, I have been intentionally stopping and slowing down, as I found there was pace running my life that was in-congruent with my nature. Our appointments, to-do lists and obligations seem to suck all the juice out of our lives and leave us over stimulated, over spent and over the edge of our sanity. If you think about it, the  need for sedatives and distractions so that we can relax is kind of insane. We often end up sleeping too much or too little, eating too much or too little.  We loose our balance.

The world would not come to an end if you disengaged for a day. Life would still continue if you cancelled your appointments, threw out your lists and dropped your obligations. Seriously, it would. It is our self-absorption and inflated self-importance that keeps us running on this hamster wheel. We are not doing it for anybody else. We are doing it for ourselves.

We run to keep up, because we fear that we will loose something if we can't. What is the worst possible thing that could happen if it were lost? Imagine that. Imagine the worst possible thing that could happen, and allow yourself to feel the suffering of that loss. Then remember you only imagined it, and realize nothing changed. For the most part, fear exists in our imagination. What is real never changes. As difficult as change can be, nothing important ever changes.

Loosing what we are attached to is painful, but we can't control what happens in life. We can, however, if we slow down, catch the moment. In the moment, is that peace we crave. In the moment is that awareness that never changes. It only knows, "I am conscious. I am breathing." What else is there that we ever truly know for sure?

In efforts to slow down so that I can catch the precious moments of my existence, I have been practicing some Restorative Yoga. In this practice you use props to support yourself so that the body feels no struggle with itself in a posture. I hold each pose for at least 5 minutes and some even 10. I just lay there supported, breathing, being. It's the best part of my day.

The biggest struggle with Yoga is the inability to be still. The biggest struggle with life is also the inability to be still. It is in stillness that we connect to the depth of our being, the core of our existence, the unchanging, eternal source of juice that breathes the Universe.

Invisible Fences

We set our own limits. A cage doesn't have to look like a cage to be one. Have you ever seen a dog approach an electric fence? I used to live down the street from a huge yellow dog that would sit in it's garage. When he would see you coming near his house, he would charge at you in a barking frenzy, then come to a dead stop right at the curb. Even though I knew there was an electric fence surrounding that house, it would make my heart race every time. What if it malfunctioned just one time?

What I learned from watching my own dog when she encountered an electric fence around my parent's chicken coup, was that the memory of that shock had left an imprint she has not forgotten... And it only happened one time. She's a quick learner. We went to visit my brother's house, who has a bird in a big metal cage. Izzy was so curious about that bird but didn't dare get too close. It was a bird with metal around it. That's all she needed to know. Last time there were birds with metal around them, something bad happened. She's kind of weary of birds all together now. Often, once a dog encounters an electric fence, it doesn't even have be turned on anymore for it to be effective, as the invisible fence line is permanently drawn in their memory bank.

The human psyche works in a similar way. We set boundaries that become the walls of our cage because somewhere stored in our memory bank are feelings of hurt and pain. When we approach these boundaries we feel threatened and scared, so we retreat back to the comfort zone of our cage. No one, including our self, can see the invisible fence that is keeping us bound. Surrounded by the walls of our mental cage, we can only know our limited self with all it's fears and confusions and can never truly know the unlimited, unbridled, eternal freedom beyond it.

We can never be free unless we transcend the boundaries of our mental cage. Every time we hit the walls of our cage and retreat, it strengthens them. Every time, we hit the walls of our cage, and even just stick our pinky finger out, it weakens them. Living beyond the walls of our cage, will keep us way outside our comfort zone, which strengthens us. Our comfort zone is no more than a padded cell. Don't just push the edge, go over it and be done with it once and for all. Imagine breaking the barriers that protect you, and you will be living a life without self-consciousness and fear. And that my friends, is freedom.

I Am Enough

"I, Uma, am enough" was all it said on the note that fell out of a book I picked up this morning. Back in the day when I was first exploring consciousness, tearing down the walls and discovering who I was, I went through a series of Rebirthing sessions with a lovely Rebirther, whose name I can't even remember now. However, I have never forgotten her. One of the things she would help me do after each session was to create an affirmation for something I was struggling with. She would have me write it on a postcard and mail it to myself. In a few days the affirmation would arrive in my mailbox.

There was just something so empowering about receiving a note through the mail in my own handwriting, affirming something positive about myself. I think I kept most of them. I would stick them in my favorite books. My favorite books are like old friends to me. I never let them go. I pick them up and read a passage every so often even if I already read the book 100 times. Sometimes one of these old postcards falls out of a book. I can't tell you how much it thrills me when I find one of these sparkling gems of wisdom, because it's always something I need to hear right then. I don't take it lightly, as I know it is God speaking to me in that very moment.

I think I might pick up this practice again, so in another 25 years I will find notes tucked away in my favorite books to remind me I am enough.