Today on Facebook one of my friends, Laura, asked about the closing of City Yoga. Below was my response. I just felt like saying it out loud.
"Thanks for asking, Laura. First, let me state that I am speaking on my own and my views are just that. I am not speaking for Angela or City Yoga, but I am taking advantage of this opportunity to say something publicly that I've been keeping to myself for quite some time. The business of Yoga is difficult and almost oxymoronic. Most teachers of Yoga, like Angela, become teachers and open studios because of a deep inner calling to share the wisdom. In this country to have a space to teach cost money. If a teacher is teaching that means he/she's not available to work doing anything else during that time. Time is also money. So, what to do? Right off the bat, it takes money and time to teach a yoga class. Sounds simple that if students appreciate the teaching they will support the teacher(s) and the studio where they gather to practice. Sounds like it would work. When Angela decided to go with a donation based studio, at first I thought, "uh-oh, I hope you can get your bills paid, honey." It has been my experience in St. Augustine that when a love offering is asked for, people don't feel much love. My second, third and fourth thoughts were of hope, inspiration and encouragement. I thought maybe people were ready for a deeper experience of Yoga... that maybe that sense of connection and unification would happen instead of just going to an exercise class. In India there's an incredible amount of support for teachers, centers, ashrams and just about any true spiritual seeking. It's not just lip service. People put their money where their mouth is and monetarily support spirituality... even if its a rich Swami sitting under a 24K gold umbrella or Swami under a tree carrying everything he owns on his back, a prophesying schizophrenic on the street corner or the yoga teacher that lives next door. I still have faith that the deeper teachings of Yoga will penetrate our very thick culture, but it is taking some time. It took guts to do what Angela did, and I am proud of her for doing so. Like most of us, Angela has to make a living. She has a family and responsibilities like everyone else. If we, as a community of yoga students and teachers, would have supported her a little more then maybe City Yoga would not be closing. Angela is taking work that she really enjoys and brings her money instead of costing her money. Of course, who wouldn't? I think she opened the doors for a new way of approaching the "business" of yoga here in St. Augustine, and great good will come it. When I see the restaurants full with yoga students every weekend that cry how much they miss Yoga but cannot afford it anymore, I know why the studios are struggling. So, if you love your yoga class, support it. It can't continue without its students. The only thing one may loose going to Yoga class is some mind chatter and a few extra pounds." Hari Om Tat Sat.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Kumbh Mela 2010 "The Grand Celebration of God"
The spring equinox is a most auspicious day for new beginnings. Shantji and I will leave the very worn, yet peaceful, city of Haridwar, India at 4:30 tomorrow morning for the Himalayas. We arrived to a fresh, polished up Haridwar just 6 weeks prior. No longer shiny and clean, Haridwar looks a bit worn for the wear. Kumbh Mela, the largest spiritual gathering on the planet, has been going on for almost 3 months... the height of which we were in attendance. I breathe in my last impressions of this holy city.
Dust blows over a sleeping dog lying in the hot Indian sun on a lazy afternoon in Haridwar. The Kumbh Mela has now ended. The pilgrims have moved on to higher elevations and cooler temperatures. Huge trucks filled to the brim with brightly colored futons and blankets clutter the path that follows along the Ganges beeping their horns scattering pedestrians out their way. For months pilgrims arrived by the droves, and now everyone seems to be heading elsewhere. The twinkling lights are gone, and tents are coming down one after the other. The party is over.
Everyone seems exhausted and reflective from their experiences had at this most intense and celebratory festival for God. So much energy, time, money, blood, sweat and tears has been exchanged. So much service, love, kindness and devotion has been given. So much mystery, intrigue, deceit, lust and greed has been seen. Its seems all of life's dramas have been played out somewhere by someone, and over and over again, at this grand, cosmic play called the Kumbh Mela.
I take it all in one last time, and I notice the perpetual cycle of good and evil, of death and rebirth, of the sun and the moon. Everything has a never ending cycle of beginning to end... and then just starts all over again. Rawness and sweetness are displayed in the drama of life, but only world changes, only form changes, only desire changes. The underlying source, the essence of everything, always remains ever the same, ever still.
Yes, before the millions of people came, the hundreds of millions meals served, and the zillions of prayers prayed and songs sung, Haridwar seemed shinier and newer. I, myself, arrived much cleaner, more energetic and innocent, but today I leave this holy city much wiser, much stronger and more humble. Just like this city, I am grateful for the incredible ride this Kumbh has given me.
The trash has piled high, dust has covered the freshly painted buildings, and cracks have appeared in the newly paved roads. It will take months to restore this place, and it will never be the same again. My head is full of experience not yet integrated, some of my ideals have been shattered, and my digestive system ravaged. It will take time me time to re-organize, renew and revitalize. However, my heart, is filled with more gratitude, love and inspiration. My eyes sparkle with the light from the core of my being that shines brighter than ever before. I am happy to report Uma will never be the same again, but my essence remains ever the same, ever still.
Dust blows over a sleeping dog lying in the hot Indian sun on a lazy afternoon in Haridwar. The Kumbh Mela has now ended. The pilgrims have moved on to higher elevations and cooler temperatures. Huge trucks filled to the brim with brightly colored futons and blankets clutter the path that follows along the Ganges beeping their horns scattering pedestrians out their way. For months pilgrims arrived by the droves, and now everyone seems to be heading elsewhere. The twinkling lights are gone, and tents are coming down one after the other. The party is over.
Everyone seems exhausted and reflective from their experiences had at this most intense and celebratory festival for God. So much energy, time, money, blood, sweat and tears has been exchanged. So much service, love, kindness and devotion has been given. So much mystery, intrigue, deceit, lust and greed has been seen. Its seems all of life's dramas have been played out somewhere by someone, and over and over again, at this grand, cosmic play called the Kumbh Mela.
I take it all in one last time, and I notice the perpetual cycle of good and evil, of death and rebirth, of the sun and the moon. Everything has a never ending cycle of beginning to end... and then just starts all over again. Rawness and sweetness are displayed in the drama of life, but only world changes, only form changes, only desire changes. The underlying source, the essence of everything, always remains ever the same, ever still.
Yes, before the millions of people came, the hundreds of millions meals served, and the zillions of prayers prayed and songs sung, Haridwar seemed shinier and newer. I, myself, arrived much cleaner, more energetic and innocent, but today I leave this holy city much wiser, much stronger and more humble. Just like this city, I am grateful for the incredible ride this Kumbh has given me.
The trash has piled high, dust has covered the freshly painted buildings, and cracks have appeared in the newly paved roads. It will take months to restore this place, and it will never be the same again. My head is full of experience not yet integrated, some of my ideals have been shattered, and my digestive system ravaged. It will take time me time to re-organize, renew and revitalize. However, my heart, is filled with more gratitude, love and inspiration. My eyes sparkle with the light from the core of my being that shines brighter than ever before. I am happy to report Uma will never be the same again, but my essence remains ever the same, ever still.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Faith, how do we have it and how do we loose it? When someone suggests to me to "have some faith," how do I do that? If it is there, then I will know it but if its not, how can I generate more of it? Is faith developed over time, based on experiences we have or based on some deeper knowing? If I have had faith in the past, how does it get lost?
Perhaps there are two types of faith, experiential faith and innate core faith. Experiential faith is based on a building of trust. Core faith is based on an inner knowing that it is so. There is a Sanskrit term I like "Hari Om Tat Sat." It's meaning, very loosely and perhaps inadequately on my part, is "and so it is," or "as it is so" or even "so be it." Core faith is like "Hari Om Tat Sat." It is just there. We don't know how it got there or why we know it, and we don't question it. It just is. If we feel faith must be built or developed, then we must be feeling that there is something in us that is missing... some part of us not whole.
I have an intellectual understanding that I am whole and that I am expression of divine perfection; however, I find myself still seeking. There is something contradictory here. There must be somewhere I am fooling myself. I say fooling myself because it sounds sweeter than saying, "I am lying to myself." No one ever wants to admit that they are being untruthful to themselves or anybody else.
Those of us who believe there is a Great Mystery, a Supreme Power, a Pure Conscious, a Unified Field, a God, a Goddess, a Godhead or whatever one calls that something that is responsible for our creation and connects us to each other and the universe we live in, may question why we think there is this all-governing Source from which we came. No matter how many books we read, no matter how many lectures we hear, no matter how many teachers we have and how much knowledge we retain, for one to realize God we will realize there is a place we reach that cannot be known by the mind or experienced through the senses. That to me is the Great Mystery and to understand that takes not only faith, but a great leap of faith.
I believe we all believe in something. Anyone who believes in something has the ability to have faith. I do not believe there is anyone who does not have something they believe in. We are all capable of believing in something. How do we choose to believe in what we believe it in? It gets tricky here, because we have an intellectual mind that is not sold on the ideals of faith.
I would say you can categorize a spiritual seeker as faith based or knowledge based. I would define a seeker as someone who feels there is something still to know, and I would put myself in this category. I am a perfectionist by nature. If I cannot truthfully say, from every aspect of by being... mentally, emotionally and physically, that I am not missing anything; therefore completely whole, than I will admit I am a seeker. As a seeker, I would say I am 70% intellectually based and 25% faith based. That leaves 5%. In that 5% I am undecided. In that 5% is my problem. There is 5% of of my consciousness that is either lacking knowledge, lacking faith or perhaps the truthfulness to take a stand one way or the other.
Courageousness is not my problem. I am of a tough breed. I was not bred to be weak or fearful. I was bred to have faith, courage and accept what is. What confused me was when I started to think about things. All this thinking caused me to question my faith. If core faith cannot be questioned, that means the faith I am questioning is experiential faith. Experiences are not always as they seem, because our emotions shape the experiences we have. To blindly trust experiential faith may not be wise, as it may be based on an emotion we had regarding an event that occurred. That is why we have intellect, for discernment.
There is a knowing that is within us. We all know it as that voice, that calling or that intuition. Why it is hidden is part of the mystery. I really doubt there is a plot to hide it, but more so a desire to imagine a different reality than the one we are experiencing. That's where we start lying to ourselves.
Life is as it is in the moment.... Hari Om Tat Sat. We have nothing beyond the moment we are in. These are just meaningless words unless they are our convictions. How can we believe in something we do not know? We cannot. It just happens. It's not about belief. It's about conviction, and conviction comes from a faith that we know we know. So, what can we do, if we can do anything, about having more faith? Nothing, we can do nothing. A belief becomes a conviction when the intellect has tested it, the emotions have embraced it and an action was taken proving to our self in a multi-dimensional way that we are not fooling ourselves any longer. That's called a leap of faith. That's the missing 5%... the unknown... the Great Mystery.
We are evolving in this very moment... right here, right now without any effort on our part and often even in spite of ourselves. Everyone has consciousness. Everyone is evolving. Everyone has faith. Having more faith requires nothing more than recognizing it's presence. If we can't see it in our self, then we should look at the mirrors all around us. If we watch closely those beings we consider to have great faith, we will see that same reflection in in each in everyone of us. The testing will happen, the opening will occur and the leap will be leapt.
Perhaps there are two types of faith, experiential faith and innate core faith. Experiential faith is based on a building of trust. Core faith is based on an inner knowing that it is so. There is a Sanskrit term I like "Hari Om Tat Sat." It's meaning, very loosely and perhaps inadequately on my part, is "and so it is," or "as it is so" or even "so be it." Core faith is like "Hari Om Tat Sat." It is just there. We don't know how it got there or why we know it, and we don't question it. It just is. If we feel faith must be built or developed, then we must be feeling that there is something in us that is missing... some part of us not whole.
I have an intellectual understanding that I am whole and that I am expression of divine perfection; however, I find myself still seeking. There is something contradictory here. There must be somewhere I am fooling myself. I say fooling myself because it sounds sweeter than saying, "I am lying to myself." No one ever wants to admit that they are being untruthful to themselves or anybody else.
Those of us who believe there is a Great Mystery, a Supreme Power, a Pure Conscious, a Unified Field, a God, a Goddess, a Godhead or whatever one calls that something that is responsible for our creation and connects us to each other and the universe we live in, may question why we think there is this all-governing Source from which we came. No matter how many books we read, no matter how many lectures we hear, no matter how many teachers we have and how much knowledge we retain, for one to realize God we will realize there is a place we reach that cannot be known by the mind or experienced through the senses. That to me is the Great Mystery and to understand that takes not only faith, but a great leap of faith.
I believe we all believe in something. Anyone who believes in something has the ability to have faith. I do not believe there is anyone who does not have something they believe in. We are all capable of believing in something. How do we choose to believe in what we believe it in? It gets tricky here, because we have an intellectual mind that is not sold on the ideals of faith.
I would say you can categorize a spiritual seeker as faith based or knowledge based. I would define a seeker as someone who feels there is something still to know, and I would put myself in this category. I am a perfectionist by nature. If I cannot truthfully say, from every aspect of by being... mentally, emotionally and physically, that I am not missing anything; therefore completely whole, than I will admit I am a seeker. As a seeker, I would say I am 70% intellectually based and 25% faith based. That leaves 5%. In that 5% I am undecided. In that 5% is my problem. There is 5% of of my consciousness that is either lacking knowledge, lacking faith or perhaps the truthfulness to take a stand one way or the other.
Courageousness is not my problem. I am of a tough breed. I was not bred to be weak or fearful. I was bred to have faith, courage and accept what is. What confused me was when I started to think about things. All this thinking caused me to question my faith. If core faith cannot be questioned, that means the faith I am questioning is experiential faith. Experiences are not always as they seem, because our emotions shape the experiences we have. To blindly trust experiential faith may not be wise, as it may be based on an emotion we had regarding an event that occurred. That is why we have intellect, for discernment.
There is a knowing that is within us. We all know it as that voice, that calling or that intuition. Why it is hidden is part of the mystery. I really doubt there is a plot to hide it, but more so a desire to imagine a different reality than the one we are experiencing. That's where we start lying to ourselves.
Life is as it is in the moment.... Hari Om Tat Sat. We have nothing beyond the moment we are in. These are just meaningless words unless they are our convictions. How can we believe in something we do not know? We cannot. It just happens. It's not about belief. It's about conviction, and conviction comes from a faith that we know we know. So, what can we do, if we can do anything, about having more faith? Nothing, we can do nothing. A belief becomes a conviction when the intellect has tested it, the emotions have embraced it and an action was taken proving to our self in a multi-dimensional way that we are not fooling ourselves any longer. That's called a leap of faith. That's the missing 5%... the unknown... the Great Mystery.
We are evolving in this very moment... right here, right now without any effort on our part and often even in spite of ourselves. Everyone has consciousness. Everyone is evolving. Everyone has faith. Having more faith requires nothing more than recognizing it's presence. If we can't see it in our self, then we should look at the mirrors all around us. If we watch closely those beings we consider to have great faith, we will see that same reflection in in each in everyone of us. The testing will happen, the opening will occur and the leap will be leapt.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Integrity
Life just happens. It is really beyond our control. Our perception shapes the experiences we have. How we react to things depends on where our consciousness is at any given moment. There is a difference between just showing up and being present. Just showing up can mean your body is present but your consciousness might be mulling over the past or planning for the future… kind of like your car running on two cylinders. It is still running, but you can’t really depend on it to get you where you want to go. When we are fully present in the moment it’s like having all cylinders running optimally, and we have faith that we will get to where we want to go. Let’s say you have four cylinders in your engine, you can consider integrity as one of them with the other three being truth, faith and courage.
I have still been thinking a lot about integrity lately. I think that’s a good thing. I can think of many less valuable things I have spent my time thinking about. Integrity is something that makes you feel good about yourself. I am watching my behavior to see if I can catch myself before I do something that lacks integrity. I don’t always catch it before it happens, but I feel that if, in the least, I can recognize it that my truthfulness to admit it shows integrity. I also want to recognize when I do things with integrity so that I can remember feeling good about myself. I would like to build an arsenal of these experiences to refer so when I am feeling down on myself, I can remember that even though I get stuck in the mud at times, sometimes I shine. More often we remember how we messed things up by just showing up more than how we glorified a situation by being present in the moment.
Maybe next blog I’ll share a story in which I lacked integrity, but tonight I need one of those “feel good” stories. This past March in Haridwar, India at the Kumbh Mela, a Hindu religious festival and the largest gathering of people on the planet, my display of integrity brought out the integrity of others. It was a ridiculously hot day. We would head out for our daily wanderings early in the morning because by just 9:00am it would already reach 90 degrees. A 20 foot high embankment creates a path that winds along the Ganges and on one side there are a row of ashrams and huts along with big circus type tents set up for the mela. On the other side are more tents and then the main drag and the city itself. In India, animals roam free including cows, goats, horses and donkeys. Donkeys are considered the lowliest of animals to most Indians. Not to me though. I find them even more adorable in India, as I do with most livestock there. They all seem to have sweeter faces. Maybe it’s because of their freedom.
On this particular morning walk, about 7:00am, I noticed a lame donkey on the town side of the embankment. My heart went out to him when I saw him dragging that swollen, obviously, broken back leg. No one seemed to care or even notice. Maybe they did, but they were just like me. They didn’t know what they could do, so they did nothing. Many hours had passed since I saw that donkey, and I had forgotten about him. After lunch in India you take rest, partly because by that time of day it’s just too damn hot to do anything else. We had developed a sort of ritual by taking a refreshing dip in the Ganges, then eating lunch and resting. Our friend, Swami Sevanand, was a most gracious and kind soul who welcomed us to rest in his cottage anytime we wished. His cottage was located along the Ganges and, thankfully, only a short walk in the noon day soon from where we usually ate lunch.
It must have been close to 100 degrees by the time we finished our lunch. Lunch was incredibly delicious and as usual, I ate too much. Why super spicy food tastes so good in super hot climates is a mystery. If it weren’t for all the walking and sweating, I would be the size of a cow by the time I leave India. All I could think of was Sevanand’s cottage, and although there was no air conditioning or even a fan, just being horizontal in the shade sounded blissful. We walk in the blazing sun, down the steps of the burning hot, concrete ghatt leading to the river, across another ghatt when we had almost reached the shade… and there he was. My lame donkey laid there in the burning sun where he must have just collapsed from pain, thirst and heat exhaustion. I could not imagine how he got up that 20 foot embankment, down it to the other side and then hobbled the quarter of a mile to the river with that broken leg. He must have been dying of thirst to attempt it. The way the ghatt is built it would be impossible for a large animal with four good legs to be able to get close enough to the water to drink without falling in.
After his long, painful journey to the river, he laid there 10 feet from it unable to quench his thirst. It broke my heart. This was a very popular ghatt and there were many, many people milling about. No one cared or even seemed to notice this poor creature. I was frantically searching for a vessel to bring him water in. I tried to fill discarded plastic bags only to find they all had holes in them. Shantji suggested I ask a woman in a nearby hut to borrow a bucket. She gave me a bucket and came over to see my donkey. I put the bucket in front of him, but he did not drink right away. I scooped some water into my hands and put it under his mouth so that he could drink. Slowly he drank from my hands then the bucket. I began to sprinkle water on his overheated body. A man who had been watching the scene also got involved and suggested that I shouldn’t do that because it might be too much a shock for the donkey’s system considering the heat. A few others watched and began to share my concern for this dying animal. We all knew there were little hope for his survival, and we were sharing with this donkey the last of his life.
For most Indians a white woman at Kumbh Mela is certainly of interest, wandering with a Swami makes it quite intriguing, giving water to a dying donkey is a downright spectacle. In those moments of unity we all shared because of that donkey, all that was forgotten. There was no culture conditioning, no foreigner and no lowly creature. There was only compassion for a suffering being. I can’t take the credit for the integrity I showed that day, but I feel empowered that it flowed through me. I could of thought to myself, “oh that poor donkey” and went along to rest in my shady spot, but integrity did not allow me to. I doubt anyone else would have done anything. I am not placing judgment on them. I understand it was just not part of their conditioning to help such a lowly animal that was going to die anyway. I was only present in that moment. Because I was, I acted with integrity. That donkey gave me a gift, an experience for my memory bank when my integrity sparked that in others and brought strangers together for the common good.
I have still been thinking a lot about integrity lately. I think that’s a good thing. I can think of many less valuable things I have spent my time thinking about. Integrity is something that makes you feel good about yourself. I am watching my behavior to see if I can catch myself before I do something that lacks integrity. I don’t always catch it before it happens, but I feel that if, in the least, I can recognize it that my truthfulness to admit it shows integrity. I also want to recognize when I do things with integrity so that I can remember feeling good about myself. I would like to build an arsenal of these experiences to refer so when I am feeling down on myself, I can remember that even though I get stuck in the mud at times, sometimes I shine. More often we remember how we messed things up by just showing up more than how we glorified a situation by being present in the moment.
Maybe next blog I’ll share a story in which I lacked integrity, but tonight I need one of those “feel good” stories. This past March in Haridwar, India at the Kumbh Mela, a Hindu religious festival and the largest gathering of people on the planet, my display of integrity brought out the integrity of others. It was a ridiculously hot day. We would head out for our daily wanderings early in the morning because by just 9:00am it would already reach 90 degrees. A 20 foot high embankment creates a path that winds along the Ganges and on one side there are a row of ashrams and huts along with big circus type tents set up for the mela. On the other side are more tents and then the main drag and the city itself. In India, animals roam free including cows, goats, horses and donkeys. Donkeys are considered the lowliest of animals to most Indians. Not to me though. I find them even more adorable in India, as I do with most livestock there. They all seem to have sweeter faces. Maybe it’s because of their freedom.
On this particular morning walk, about 7:00am, I noticed a lame donkey on the town side of the embankment. My heart went out to him when I saw him dragging that swollen, obviously, broken back leg. No one seemed to care or even notice. Maybe they did, but they were just like me. They didn’t know what they could do, so they did nothing. Many hours had passed since I saw that donkey, and I had forgotten about him. After lunch in India you take rest, partly because by that time of day it’s just too damn hot to do anything else. We had developed a sort of ritual by taking a refreshing dip in the Ganges, then eating lunch and resting. Our friend, Swami Sevanand, was a most gracious and kind soul who welcomed us to rest in his cottage anytime we wished. His cottage was located along the Ganges and, thankfully, only a short walk in the noon day soon from where we usually ate lunch.
It must have been close to 100 degrees by the time we finished our lunch. Lunch was incredibly delicious and as usual, I ate too much. Why super spicy food tastes so good in super hot climates is a mystery. If it weren’t for all the walking and sweating, I would be the size of a cow by the time I leave India. All I could think of was Sevanand’s cottage, and although there was no air conditioning or even a fan, just being horizontal in the shade sounded blissful. We walk in the blazing sun, down the steps of the burning hot, concrete ghatt leading to the river, across another ghatt when we had almost reached the shade… and there he was. My lame donkey laid there in the burning sun where he must have just collapsed from pain, thirst and heat exhaustion. I could not imagine how he got up that 20 foot embankment, down it to the other side and then hobbled the quarter of a mile to the river with that broken leg. He must have been dying of thirst to attempt it. The way the ghatt is built it would be impossible for a large animal with four good legs to be able to get close enough to the water to drink without falling in.
After his long, painful journey to the river, he laid there 10 feet from it unable to quench his thirst. It broke my heart. This was a very popular ghatt and there were many, many people milling about. No one cared or even seemed to notice this poor creature. I was frantically searching for a vessel to bring him water in. I tried to fill discarded plastic bags only to find they all had holes in them. Shantji suggested I ask a woman in a nearby hut to borrow a bucket. She gave me a bucket and came over to see my donkey. I put the bucket in front of him, but he did not drink right away. I scooped some water into my hands and put it under his mouth so that he could drink. Slowly he drank from my hands then the bucket. I began to sprinkle water on his overheated body. A man who had been watching the scene also got involved and suggested that I shouldn’t do that because it might be too much a shock for the donkey’s system considering the heat. A few others watched and began to share my concern for this dying animal. We all knew there were little hope for his survival, and we were sharing with this donkey the last of his life.
For most Indians a white woman at Kumbh Mela is certainly of interest, wandering with a Swami makes it quite intriguing, giving water to a dying donkey is a downright spectacle. In those moments of unity we all shared because of that donkey, all that was forgotten. There was no culture conditioning, no foreigner and no lowly creature. There was only compassion for a suffering being. I can’t take the credit for the integrity I showed that day, but I feel empowered that it flowed through me. I could of thought to myself, “oh that poor donkey” and went along to rest in my shady spot, but integrity did not allow me to. I doubt anyone else would have done anything. I am not placing judgment on them. I understand it was just not part of their conditioning to help such a lowly animal that was going to die anyway. I was only present in that moment. Because I was, I acted with integrity. That donkey gave me a gift, an experience for my memory bank when my integrity sparked that in others and brought strangers together for the common good.
Monday, October 11, 2010
What's Your Word?
I just read a most insightful book, The Call by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. Don’t let the New Age name fool you. She’s one of the most truthful, down-to-earth, spiritual writers I have read. I recommend reading any of her books, but this one showed up for me at just the right time. It is my favorite of hers, as I find her the most raw in this one. There seems to be a lot of self help books and workshops to help one find their “purpose.” Finding one’s “purpose” is seemingly quite a challenging, life long duty, or is it? I like the way Oriah approaches this in her book. Ninety percent of her book is describing in a very poetic, as well as real life, way what the Call (one’s purpose) is, but in one paragraph in the second to last chapter, she very simply sums it up and tells you how to discover it. She suggests a starting point. She says to ask yourself, “If you could say one word to the world if you knew the world was listening attentively and would to the best of its ability follow the directive this word sent out, what would that word be? I think this is brilliant and what is even more brilliant is she tells you that she thinks this word will tell you where to begin and that not-doing (I relate to Non-Doing, but I think we are addressing the same philosophy) “will allow the one word you are to embody fill you and begin to shape your life.”
I, wholeheartedly, agree, and I already know my word. I have always known my word even when I couldn’t remember it. We all know “our word.” We all may have a different word, but we know what it is and all the words lead to the same place… Awareness. Sit with it and wait... not in an impatient, goal oriented way… but just sit and ask yourself what word out of all words from any language resonates with you the most. Be conscious and wait. Your word may be “love” but it could be another. Everyone resonates with love. Try not to be too impulsive, too creative or too “anything”. Maybe it will come to you written on the inside of your eyelids in big bold letters. Maybe you will hear it softly spoken or loudly yelled by your own or someone else’s voice, or maybe you’ll hear it in the wind. Maybe you will understand it through a vision. However it comes, it doesn’t matter… Just sit and wait.
My word is “integrity.” I remember when I first fell in love with this word. It was about 20 years ago. I was a young spiritual seeker involved with a group of other seekers exploring, as our teacher called her approach, “A Call to Greatness.” If I were to sum up the single most important thing I learned from that teacher over the couple of years I studied with her was, that without your integrity you have nothing. She used to say, “be integrible.” At the time I did not realize “integrible” is not a word. It should be, but its not. I used to use it all the time until my mother saw something I had written once using that word and told me. Regardless, of being “integrible” or not, I found practicing integrity made life easier.
I am not saying that I embody the ideal of integrity. It may be my word because it is something that I need to cultivate more of. However it works, when that word comes to my consciousness, I feel that help is on its way… that soundness is about to take over the wheel, and I will be getting out of my own way. Back in the day, when I was consciously practicing integrity, I found it easier to be myself, to express myself and to love myself. As with most things, if you practice them long enough, it happens without much conscious thought. Also, as with most things, if you don’t ever give it any conscious thought you might forget a few things. I discovered I needed a refresher course.
During my recent silent retreat, when I was exploring why it was I was not as comfortable being with myself as I had in the past, this word came to me. I hadn’t read that paragraph in Oriah’s book yet but when I did, I already knew my word. I am again practicing integrity, and seeing as I should be an expert at by now, I am adding “impeccable” to it. I no longer will except any excuses for any lack of integrity on my part. I am either integrible or I’m not. Making excuses by validating or justifying something I’ve done against my own sense of what is right or good or fair or just is what created the problem in the first place. One can never be completely truthful with their self without having integrity in thought, word and action. We can never be free until we learn to be truthful with ourselves, because we will stay bound protecting the false image of ourselves we have created. Understandably, we do not want to see what is dark, what is ugly, what is greedy or angry. If we could only know that we are not this darkness, this ugliness, this greediness or anger, we would know they are only passing thoughts or feelings and no longer be afraid to look at them. If we were only to be truthful, the veil that covers the true light of our being would be exposed in all its glory and all its beauty.
I imagine sometimes I will have impeccable integrity, and I imagine sometimes I will slip up. It is only a place to start… a spark for the fire. The fire will burn on its own. To look deeply into to one’s self takes courage and compassion, but if you don’t look you will never know who you are and will become lost, confused and frustrated trying to find out. I can trust to look more deeply if the incorruptibility of integrity is by my side. If I were to have one request of the world, I would ask that it show me more integrity. The world is a reflection of consciousness, as I am a reflection of consciousness. If I am reflecting integrity, then it shall be reflected right back to me. Yep, integrity is my word… no doubt about it. What’s your word?
I, wholeheartedly, agree, and I already know my word. I have always known my word even when I couldn’t remember it. We all know “our word.” We all may have a different word, but we know what it is and all the words lead to the same place… Awareness. Sit with it and wait... not in an impatient, goal oriented way… but just sit and ask yourself what word out of all words from any language resonates with you the most. Be conscious and wait. Your word may be “love” but it could be another. Everyone resonates with love. Try not to be too impulsive, too creative or too “anything”. Maybe it will come to you written on the inside of your eyelids in big bold letters. Maybe you will hear it softly spoken or loudly yelled by your own or someone else’s voice, or maybe you’ll hear it in the wind. Maybe you will understand it through a vision. However it comes, it doesn’t matter… Just sit and wait.
My word is “integrity.” I remember when I first fell in love with this word. It was about 20 years ago. I was a young spiritual seeker involved with a group of other seekers exploring, as our teacher called her approach, “A Call to Greatness.” If I were to sum up the single most important thing I learned from that teacher over the couple of years I studied with her was, that without your integrity you have nothing. She used to say, “be integrible.” At the time I did not realize “integrible” is not a word. It should be, but its not. I used to use it all the time until my mother saw something I had written once using that word and told me. Regardless, of being “integrible” or not, I found practicing integrity made life easier.
I am not saying that I embody the ideal of integrity. It may be my word because it is something that I need to cultivate more of. However it works, when that word comes to my consciousness, I feel that help is on its way… that soundness is about to take over the wheel, and I will be getting out of my own way. Back in the day, when I was consciously practicing integrity, I found it easier to be myself, to express myself and to love myself. As with most things, if you practice them long enough, it happens without much conscious thought. Also, as with most things, if you don’t ever give it any conscious thought you might forget a few things. I discovered I needed a refresher course.
During my recent silent retreat, when I was exploring why it was I was not as comfortable being with myself as I had in the past, this word came to me. I hadn’t read that paragraph in Oriah’s book yet but when I did, I already knew my word. I am again practicing integrity, and seeing as I should be an expert at by now, I am adding “impeccable” to it. I no longer will except any excuses for any lack of integrity on my part. I am either integrible or I’m not. Making excuses by validating or justifying something I’ve done against my own sense of what is right or good or fair or just is what created the problem in the first place. One can never be completely truthful with their self without having integrity in thought, word and action. We can never be free until we learn to be truthful with ourselves, because we will stay bound protecting the false image of ourselves we have created. Understandably, we do not want to see what is dark, what is ugly, what is greedy or angry. If we could only know that we are not this darkness, this ugliness, this greediness or anger, we would know they are only passing thoughts or feelings and no longer be afraid to look at them. If we were only to be truthful, the veil that covers the true light of our being would be exposed in all its glory and all its beauty.
I imagine sometimes I will have impeccable integrity, and I imagine sometimes I will slip up. It is only a place to start… a spark for the fire. The fire will burn on its own. To look deeply into to one’s self takes courage and compassion, but if you don’t look you will never know who you are and will become lost, confused and frustrated trying to find out. I can trust to look more deeply if the incorruptibility of integrity is by my side. If I were to have one request of the world, I would ask that it show me more integrity. The world is a reflection of consciousness, as I am a reflection of consciousness. If I am reflecting integrity, then it shall be reflected right back to me. Yep, integrity is my word… no doubt about it. What’s your word?
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Right Here, Right Now... In Wonderland
“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?” said Alice
Please forgive me “Oh Great Goddess of Bloggers” for I have sinned. It has been 4 months since I started my blog. I blogged once with quite the promise to continue and have never returned to my site. So much happens so quickly here in Wonderland that it’s difficult to pinpoint where to start. In honor of the motto that constantly runs through my head these days suggests, “right here, right now,”… so, I shall start right here, right now.
I fell down the rabbit hole about 3 years ago and things have never been the same, because everything that was is not. Everything that is seems it is not. Yes, I am relating my spiritual journey to that of Alice in Wonderland, because often it seems the most relevant to my experience. I often try to explain this to my Teacher, who growing up in India, has no reference point for my comparisons. I even checked the book out of library for him to read; however, I still don’t think he gets it. I hope you will understand that to a bellydancing, yogini from Florida finding herself living in an ashram in “Podunk,” Pennsylvania searching for enlightenment might as well be Wonderland.
Right here, right now I am alone, except for my little dog, a tough cat, an old horse, a pushy cow and a crazy chicken, in the middle of nowhere out of 40 acres. This is by choice, and I am grateful for this space and time I have been provided. I am on silent retreat. I am not interacting with any humans. I am not answering the phone, checking email or even goofing off on Facebook. I don’t watch TV anyway, and I am not checking news on the internet. The world could catch on fire, and I would not know until I saw it aflame in the pasture. I am being sustained by prana, mediation, yoga, writing, dancing and juicing.
Why, one might ask? I am doing this because after all my efforts to become enlightened, my years of mediation, yoga, spiritual practice and study I find myself lost, fidgety, restless and unable to simple just be with myself. Why, is what I ask myself? For years I thought if I only had the time and space free of the distractions of worldly existence I would be more spiritual, more compassionate, more aware. If only I had nothing to do I would just simply be able to be. When there is nothing you have to do, you have to be with yourself… really be with yourself. There is no job, no family and no worldly existence to distract you. You have no excuses. If you are not used to this, and most of us are not, there is a void. We immediately want to fill this emptiness. and we follow one distraction after the other so we feel “normal.” For most of us being distracted is our “normal” state of being, not being. I am tired of being distracted and desire, with the deepest sincerity, to know what’s on the other side of the rabbit hole.
Everyone talks about how they are “working” on just staying in the moment… being present… taking their life one moment at a time. My question is how do we expect to live our lives “in the moment” if we can’t even sit in meditation 15 minutes being present in the moment? The answer that has come most clearly and loudly to me is to stop working on it, just do it… right here, right now. If my life does not provide the space and time to be, then there is something sorely wrong. There is no technique you need to learn first, no posture to master first, no book you must read first, there is no protocol. We don’t need to surrender to anything, subscribe to anything or even believe in anything. Suzuki Roshi wrote, “We don’t need to learn to let go. We just need to recognize what is already gone.” As Shantji constantly reminds me, “There is nothing to do. It has already been done.”
What I find over and over again is that when I am unable to just be with myself there is somewhere I have fooled myself… some lie I am covering up. If I were to look deeper, I would find it. Instead, I get distracted with needs, responsibilities and obligations so I can continue my “normal” existence… never slipping down in that rabbit hole, as it would require too much introspection to understand that there may simply be another way of being. The lie is we are afraid that our world is not what we thought it was, and we want to protect the house of cards we live in. We’ve been lying to ourselves for so long we’ve forgotten who we really are. We’ve all been living in Alice’s “world of nonsense,” and we are terrified that the rabbit hole may just lead us to ourSELF. What would we do then? There would be nothing to learn, to fix, to figure out, or even to do. What would we do with all that time and space? I have discovered that the only thing scary about the rabbit hole is my perception that it is real, and on the other side of hell lays paradise.
"Who are YOU?" said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
Please forgive me “Oh Great Goddess of Bloggers” for I have sinned. It has been 4 months since I started my blog. I blogged once with quite the promise to continue and have never returned to my site. So much happens so quickly here in Wonderland that it’s difficult to pinpoint where to start. In honor of the motto that constantly runs through my head these days suggests, “right here, right now,”… so, I shall start right here, right now.
I fell down the rabbit hole about 3 years ago and things have never been the same, because everything that was is not. Everything that is seems it is not. Yes, I am relating my spiritual journey to that of Alice in Wonderland, because often it seems the most relevant to my experience. I often try to explain this to my Teacher, who growing up in India, has no reference point for my comparisons. I even checked the book out of library for him to read; however, I still don’t think he gets it. I hope you will understand that to a bellydancing, yogini from Florida finding herself living in an ashram in “Podunk,” Pennsylvania searching for enlightenment might as well be Wonderland.
Right here, right now I am alone, except for my little dog, a tough cat, an old horse, a pushy cow and a crazy chicken, in the middle of nowhere out of 40 acres. This is by choice, and I am grateful for this space and time I have been provided. I am on silent retreat. I am not interacting with any humans. I am not answering the phone, checking email or even goofing off on Facebook. I don’t watch TV anyway, and I am not checking news on the internet. The world could catch on fire, and I would not know until I saw it aflame in the pasture. I am being sustained by prana, mediation, yoga, writing, dancing and juicing.
Why, one might ask? I am doing this because after all my efforts to become enlightened, my years of mediation, yoga, spiritual practice and study I find myself lost, fidgety, restless and unable to simple just be with myself. Why, is what I ask myself? For years I thought if I only had the time and space free of the distractions of worldly existence I would be more spiritual, more compassionate, more aware. If only I had nothing to do I would just simply be able to be. When there is nothing you have to do, you have to be with yourself… really be with yourself. There is no job, no family and no worldly existence to distract you. You have no excuses. If you are not used to this, and most of us are not, there is a void. We immediately want to fill this emptiness. and we follow one distraction after the other so we feel “normal.” For most of us being distracted is our “normal” state of being, not being. I am tired of being distracted and desire, with the deepest sincerity, to know what’s on the other side of the rabbit hole.
Everyone talks about how they are “working” on just staying in the moment… being present… taking their life one moment at a time. My question is how do we expect to live our lives “in the moment” if we can’t even sit in meditation 15 minutes being present in the moment? The answer that has come most clearly and loudly to me is to stop working on it, just do it… right here, right now. If my life does not provide the space and time to be, then there is something sorely wrong. There is no technique you need to learn first, no posture to master first, no book you must read first, there is no protocol. We don’t need to surrender to anything, subscribe to anything or even believe in anything. Suzuki Roshi wrote, “We don’t need to learn to let go. We just need to recognize what is already gone.” As Shantji constantly reminds me, “There is nothing to do. It has already been done.”
What I find over and over again is that when I am unable to just be with myself there is somewhere I have fooled myself… some lie I am covering up. If I were to look deeper, I would find it. Instead, I get distracted with needs, responsibilities and obligations so I can continue my “normal” existence… never slipping down in that rabbit hole, as it would require too much introspection to understand that there may simply be another way of being. The lie is we are afraid that our world is not what we thought it was, and we want to protect the house of cards we live in. We’ve been lying to ourselves for so long we’ve forgotten who we really are. We’ve all been living in Alice’s “world of nonsense,” and we are terrified that the rabbit hole may just lead us to ourSELF. What would we do then? There would be nothing to learn, to fix, to figure out, or even to do. What would we do with all that time and space? I have discovered that the only thing scary about the rabbit hole is my perception that it is real, and on the other side of hell lays paradise.
"Who are YOU?" said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Woman on Fire
I'm at "that age"... that some say is perfect because I am neither young nor old. I am told I have the wisdom of the 48 years I have been on this planet and still have a healthy body and mind. I am not sold on the perfection of my age. I am grateful for the knowledge gained through the experiences of my life, but I am neither happy to keep repeating them nor ready for complacency. A few years ago I met my teacher, Shantji. One might say Guru, but that's a heavy label for a "good-ole-girl" like me; however, I have had teachers in the past and this one does stand out miles beyond his predecessors. He seems to be "The One', so I will call him my Teacher with a capital "T". As far out (Yes, I know the word is dated, but I can find no other to fit) as he may be, he teaches "The Way" in a way that I get. A student should feel their teacher knows more than them about the subject they would like to know, and I did not question he knew something I did not. Shantji was selling freedom. I was in the market for it, and I was sold. He seemed to exude a sense of freedom I had not experienced before. Some might say freedom is enlightenment, but I don't like that word because of its heavy, dogmatic implications. Not that I don't think that Shantji is enlightened, I just don't like to use the word. Freedom... well... sounds more freeing. I do like semantics. I think the conscious use of words makes communication less complicated. On Shantji and I's second meeting he commented on a lamp I had sitting on a shelf. This lamp was made of red Lucite in the shape of Buddha's head. It front of it stood a brass sculpture of Shiva Natrajasana (Lord Shiva Dancing in a ring of fire) which glowed red from the light of Buddha's head shinning through it. Shantji commented on the light and how much he liked it. Then he asked me, "Uma, are you ready to burn in the fire of the wisdom of the Buddha?" Something inside me answered, not to Shantji, but to Buddha himself, "YES!" I knew that evening, after driving him home, what I had to agreed to and that my life would never be the same again. How I knew this I do not know... I just knew. Now, I type this blog far away from that complacent (but quite happy) woman enjoying her cottage home near the ocean in the quaint, little beach town of St. Augustine, Florida that she had lived most of her life. Since that time I have had 2 long, challenging, amazing, life altering trips to India and now live in Shanti Temple, an ashram being created, in the middle of "Podunk" Pennsylvania" wondering how I got here and what will happen to this 48 year seeker now. Will she discover what she's seeking and discover she already knows she knows or become complacent, wake up or go sleep? And who the hell knows what these states of being mean anyway? How does one know? Although I hope that my experience will be inspiring for others, and I wish I could say my intention for this blog was purely humanitarian, I cannot truthfully claim that. It is probably as cathartic as it can be. I am a woman on fire, and this is the story of my journey.
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